same old

my friends,

I again find myself lost. completely and totally lost. this was probably the worst weekend I've had in many years. I wish I could elaborate but I can't, and I don't know if I want to relive it anyways. on the other side of it, finally, now I find myself questioning everything. all I really think I am doing these days is just existing for the time being. I feel like a piece of driftwood. not in control of my own destiny and not tethered to anything tangible.

there are some things that I have to change about myself. stuff like not expecting that people will treat me the way I treat them just because I treat them that way. if I do something nice for someone, it's supposed to be because I want to do something nice, not because down the line I want to be able to expect to be treated in kind. I have to work on that, because it's not something that everyone can live up to and it's not fair to them to have to live up to it without having signed up for that responsibility. that's hard for me, though, because I get a great deal of personal satisfaction from making others happy. which is probably not a good thing. not in the amounts that I do it.

and there are some things that I feel like I have to change about my surroundings. I have to take charge. I just am so afraid of missing out on things, of not being included, of not being liked and not being as wanted as someone else. it's time to grow up and realize that I am not going to be included every time and that not everyone will like me. I have to be more true to myself. and that means that some people might not like it and things might change. but ultimately, the only person I can rely on is myself. so I have to be true to myself first, because no one else is going to put me first.

this is truly probably the lowest I've felt in this entire ordeal. I feel like I'm in a hole and might not be able to climb out, not for a while and not after the hole gets just a little bit deeper.

stealing from katy and generally doing something I hate, which is a meme thingie, and also is sort of a cop out from real blogging. whatev, I don't care.

In a word...
Yourself: thinking
Your partner: challenging
Your hair: dry
Your mother: distant
Your father: nicer
Your favorite item: backscratcher (which is now one word)
Your dream last night: bad
Your favorite drink: aquafina
Your dream car: runs
Your dream home: old
The room you are in: cube
Your ex: nice
Your fear: torture
Where you want to be in ten years: happier
Who you hung out with last night: bella
What you're not: happy
Muffins: okay
One of your wish list items: flooring
Time: limited
The last thing you did: typed
What you are wearing: black
Your favorite weather: fall
Your favorite book: short
Last thing you ate: bread
Your life: uncontrollable
Your mood: defeated
Your best friends: bloggers
What are you thinking about right now: money
Your car: broken
What are you doing at the moment: duh
Your summer: chaos
Relationship status: yes
What is on your tv: fingerprints
What is the weather like: rainy
When is the last time you laughed: forever

hi.

it's been a busy few days. week. whatev. I find myself just not equipped to deal. shocking. all I do here is bitch and moan, bitch and moan.

not everyone is supportive of my decision to begin dating. and to call a spade a spade, we're talking about jarrett. after both of us decided that we needed to get out of our marriages, we found that we...I'm not even going to finish the sentence. I don't feel like justifying anything. I wanted to say "I was never unfaithful to my husband" but I don't have to say that, do I?

jarrett came to bella's party where he met some of my friends for the first time. for the most part, it went well, with most of my friends. I was concerned about my friend kristen. we'd been friends since first grade and have seen each other through alot. I think I've mentioned her here before. anyway, sean and I set her up with sean's first college roommate, brian. they hit it off. that was a few years ago, and thus they came to bella's party with their new son, mason. but since brian is a good friend of sean's, I wasn't sure what would happen. they both were gracious and kind at the party, and afterwards via email, I asked kristen if she were upset or disappointed in me. and she said "of course I'm not. I'm totally happy for you. I just want you to be happy and jarrett seems like a really nice guy." that was it. nothing more than a genuine want to see me happy, no matter what choices I make.

sean's been very supportive, as well. we've talked about it for a few weeks now. he's comfortable with jarrett, likes him, and thinks he'll treat me well. he's a big man, sean. he and I sat down to talk last week about where we are. he knows I'm serious about jarrett and he told me how he's been on quite a few dates, dating back to about 2 months or more ago. (shows me that I shouldn't worry so much - I was dreading telling him about my situation and he was dating already anyways.) he's less successful than he'd like, but he's ready to be out there and dating and trying to "get something going" as he says.

I was invited to noah's birthday party at nicole's mom's house in quakertown over the weekend, and I talked with sean beforehand about bringing jarrett. and then I talked to jarrett about going and seeing people he's never met in a somewhat awkward situation. both of them were okay with jarrett coming, so he accompanied me to the party. I think it went well, but I haven't had alot of feedback. sean thought it went fine and so did jarrett. it was very stressful for all of us but I guess you have to get through these things.

it's important for me to start being more open about things. I find that I am very closed off from alot of my friends and family lately because I don't feel like I can share everything with everyone. now, I feel like just about everyone is up to speed with me, more or less, and my relationship with both sean and jarrett. I try to think that the people this impacts the most - my kids, sean, and jarrett - all are supportive and are fine with it. I just wish everyone was. it's cost me dearly, following this path, and I thought there was a way back from that. it doesn't seem there is. but I've learned some things about myself and about other people and I guess I'm growing because of it. or something.

bellaween in pictures

this is what she wanted to wear on the day of her party.


she didn't get the whole "blow out the candles" thing.


trent helped her open her presents.


she got to play with her playdoh (or "paydoh" as she calls it) on sunday.


she was initially in love with her costume, then afraid of it, and then loved it again.


after trick or treating and eating birthday tastykakes, she wanted a kiss.

happy bellaween!

thanks, everyone, for the kind words.

today, baby bella is 2. she was the impetus for this blog in the first place - her, and the juxtaposition of her and trent.

today, she's dressed as eddie, minus the gloves and mask that came with the skeleton costume. so she's just running around in a nylon bodysuit screenprinted on the front with skeleton bones. she looks like a little kid angel with her curly blond hair and chubby cheeks, only dressed as a skeleton.

the one thing I can say with certainty is that I don't regret having put sean through everything I put him through because I can see that he LOVES being a dad. just loves it. I hope that he feels the same - and I'm fairly certain that he does. (not regret it because of bella, I mean.)

today, we're going trick or treating on the other side of the tracks (away from our neighborhood) where legend has it that the folks give out full sized candy bars. then we're going home to have tastykakes and sing happy birthday, for the 3rd time. (she's already had a birthday party on saturday with my family and sunday with sean's.)

when you ask bella how old she is today, she says "two!" and holds up 3 fingers proudly. she's a lil baby sweetness, that girl.

Dear World,

I have something to tell you. I have been afraid to tell you because I'm afraid of what you might think of me. but it's been a long 3 months and it's been difficult to pretend nothing is going on.

I am seeing someone. it is difficult for me to say that for 2 reasons. one, I don't want you to think I left my husband for someone, because that's just not what happened. two, I feel like it's something that should either be happy or sad, but not happy AND sad, which it kind of is. sad because my marriage is ending. happy because I'm seeing someone I enjoy spending time with.

it's all very complicated, but I can't go on pretending that I'm not dating. because that has its inherent ups and downs, and this is supposed to be a place to air things out and get some perspective.

I'm very nervous about how you perceive me. because I know that this isn't the most ideal situation...ideally, I would have waited until my divorce was final, and then another arbitrary amount of time for decorum's sake. but sometimes things just don't work out that way.

I know that it seems like I rush things. and I know no one will take me serious if I say that this is something that is serious. so I don't tell you for fear that you'll judge me. and it hurts to know that you think I don't know what I'm doing or that I did something wrong.

I know you only want the best for me and that you want me to be happy. I guess I can't always live up to your expectations and that both makes me sad and a little angry. because on one hand, I don't want to disappoint you. and on the other hand, I feel like this is my life and my choices shouldn't be held up to anyone's standards. unless I'm like committing a crime or something. which I don't think I am.

all I want is for you to just accept my life for what it is and to let me live it the best way I know how, and to be there to listen and even though the choices aren't what you'd make, that you can allow me to make them anyway without judgement. I know that's a very big request and that not everyone can accommodate that. but I think that's what friends are for, aren't they? I like to think I'd do the same for you, should the tables be turned.

so now it's out in the open. I guess I can't stop you from being upset with me or thinking I'm doing the wrong thing. but at the very least, I'm being truthful about my life, like it or not.

I'm sorry.

and I couldn't help but cry

today, in conversation, I called sean my ex husband for the first time.

down a few pegs

so for the last few weeks, I've been feeling pretty good about myself. I've been steadily decreasing in pants size, which is pretty huge for me. granted, most of that is stress, but however it happened, it happened. so I've been feeling pretty hot-mama lately. and then...

so I'm in the pharmacy yesterday. it was right after work, and I was dressed nicely with my black dress coat on. I was looking at ponytail holders and a woman who works at the pharmacy comes up to me and asks if I need help finding anything. I say no. she then says, "oh, so you're expecting?"

flashes through my mind:

• expecting what, to win the lottery?
• expecting to KICK YOUR ASS
• why, yes, yes I am.
• how do you even get the nerve up to ask something like that?
• FUCK. YOU.

what I actually say:

• no

then she says, "oh, sorry." and I say, because I am a big fat wuss, "oh, that's okay!"

dude. DUDE. how do you even say that to someone? and?? HOW FAT AM I, REALLY??

edited to add: I was nowhere near anything that is remotely pregnancy related, and she looked me up and down before asking. also...montreal is this weekend.

car wars

got the estimate for the car today. $3,000.

that is all.

oh, except for I'm skipping town next weekend. I have no money and no car to drive, but I am leaving. the country. driving to montreal. fuck everything.

go away, then, damn you

go on and do as you please.

deep breath.

as I may have stated before, it is always my first inclination to run when things get too overwhelming. not far, just far enough so that I feel like I'm away from the tentacles of the problem at hand. not long, just long enough so that I feel like I'm not drowning. nothing crazy, just crazy enough to feel accomplished. it's necessary for me to feel like I've done something on my own, to prove to myself that I can. it also gives me good perspective on the things that drove me out to begin with. and, I get as close to relaxing as I possibly can get when I'm away and alone.

we found out recently that our car is leased. I'm not paying a car payment, I'm paying a lease payment. and the lease expires in march. I drive alot. I enjoy driving. when I can't get away to someplace far enough, I drive. and drive. and drive. it clears my head and helps me to calm down. my lease allows for 12k miles a year. I've had the car since march 2003. I have 59k miles currently. that's 17k+ miles over my allotment. the rate for overage is $.15/mile. if I were to stop driving today, I'd owe over $2500 just to get out of the lease...only for mileage. that would entail me finding rides to everywhere for the next 5 months. I have front end damage from that fender bender I had a few weeks ago and the car is just not holding up well, so I'd either have to go through the expense of fixing everything or be assessed wear and tear on the car and pay that amount as well as the overage.

the other option is to buy the car for $8k in march. that would mean a new loan, new rate, possible increase in car payment. the car's blue book value as of today, with no additional miles, is $7300.

sometimes it's just the idea of getting away that helps me to cope. that I could move a few things around and have the kids watched and go somewhere. now, there's no one to pick up the slack with babysitting, there's no money to spend on this, and to top it off, I can't in good conscience drive my car to the local 7-11 let alone to montreal. this makes me feel trapped and panicked. and resentful. and sad. and closed off.

one by one, I've watched people and opportunities fall out of my life. I feel like I have very little outlets anymore. and now one less.

in other news, vastly more important news, bella peed on the potty for the first time. at daycare. bittersweet, both for the deed to be done at daycare and for it to be done at all. my baby is growing up. but I am proud of her and excited for her. it was more a right-place-right-time kind of thing, but she was still very happy for herself. but I think going to the 3-d movies (the imax movie was 3-d, though we didn't know it when we bought the tickets) trumps all still. when I asked her about peeing on the potty, she said "yeah! and I go to the move-it!" (she calls movies move-its, getting it confused with her favorite movie, which she calls move-it because of the theme song...the movie is madagascar.)

and in trent news, vastly more important than me going wherever, he has been invited to apply to be in the national junior honor society. he had to write a short essay, get 3 recommendations from teachers, and fill out a form. he has to hand it in today. of course, he waited till the last minute to ask the teachers for the recommendations so it all hinges on whether or not they remembered to bring them in today...but I hope they did, because (after a long lecture) he really did put alot of himself in the application and I hope he at least gets to hand it in, if not make the society itself.

and thus ends my pathetic pity party.

the hills are alive with the sounds of bella

wherein I try to get bella to sing her ABCs.

hi, yeah, I know

sorry.

the project - it is launched! thank god. my life is a whirlwind of worry and overanalyzation. I've been driving myself nuts. and I haven't been back to see Therapist George yet, and he's getting angry with me. I don't blame him. I don't always follow through well.

not much to report thus far, really. like I said, I'm still driving myself nuts and hating myself for being so stupid about things. bella is adorable as always. I took her into work the other day and she charmed everyone. she was wearing all black, her black and pink skull shoes, and her pink tutu skirt. how can you not love that?? she and I are going with jarrett and ethan (our new buddies) to see a movie at the king of prussia imax theater. (didn't I once go on a tangent about how there are places around here that are steeped in revolutionary history and how cool that is when I stop to think about it? was king of prussia the town I was talking about then? it might have been valley forge, I don't remember.) should be fun, I hope, unless she wants to get down and run around like she usually does in movies.

trent....well, I try to remember that trent is 13 and that things can't always be smooth. did I tell you about the phone fiasco? he was grounded for a while for that. (if I didn't, it was that he went to a friend's house and didn't keep his phone on him and therefore I was forced to freak out not being able to get ahold of him for hours on end.)

yesterday, he told me at 10 minutes to 6, and while I was trying to make dinner for bella and get ready to take him to soccer practice at 6:30 (after having just arrived home and not even taken off my coat yet) that oh yeah, tonight is parent's night at his school. yeah, and it's at 7. I have never missed a parent's night until this year. I was so pissed. he knew for a week and just didn't bother mentioning it. today, his only job is to take his 3 teacher recommendation forms he has to get filled out in order for him to be in the junior honor society and give them to 3 teachers that are willing to fill them out. the paperwork has to be in by tuesday so I wanted him to take them today so they have the weekend to fill it out (though he got it early this week). now, I told him that if he doesn't get it done, I'm going to be more mad at him than I've been in a really long time because I was taking the time to tell him how important it was. so...we'll see.

it's been a lot of little things with him. I think most of you with kids might not be able to relate just yet cause yours are little (old mother hubbard and rebecca may get it though) but it's just so frustrating to...

wait

I'm going to sound just like my mother, I think. fuck.

well, I'll say it anyways. it's frustrating to say the same thing over and over to trent and have him just not listen. I get where he's coming from, because to him, these things are stupid, but to me, it's like - dude, I know you think it's dumb, but just do me a favor and TAKE NOTICE IF THE THINGIE IN THE SINK IS BLOCKING THE DRAIN AND IT'S FILLING UP WITH DIRTY WATER WHEN YOU'RE "RINSING" YOUR DISHES. not hard. he said "I thought it would just go down eventually." well, no, when you pour out your chocolate ice cream and a half can of orange soda into my white porcelain sink and it doesn't go anywhere for 30 seconds, it's not going to anytime soon. and by the way? I didn't find it till THE NEXT DAY. it's just little stuff like that. it's especially annoying now that I'm running that house by myself. it's not a big house, but with a shedding cat and drooling dog and a toddler and a man-child, it's tough to keep up. so when I find a white sink filled with a brownish orange goo in it and then rinse it out and see that it's stained and now I have to bleach it, in addition to making dinner and trying to make things seem like they're fine, just fine....it's aggravating.

anyway.

I hope you all have a great weekend...

slow down, you move too fast

(definitely NOT feeling groovy.)

and ps, my favorite line from that song is "I've got no deeds to do, no promise to keep." those moments in my life are rare, and when I stop and think about it when that does happen, I really do feel groovy.

work is kicking my everlovin ASSSSSSSS. I have a big project that goes live next friday. major major. and it's down to the wire and I've procrastinated on some things and some things are just going wrong and there's alot of work. hence...blogging. ah, some things never change. it's like sunday night with a term paper due 2nd period on monday.

anyway, I've set myself up for audioblogger so that I can record bella cuteness. I hope to be able to do it tonight sometime. hopefully, she'll cooperate.

regarding the potty training...my only concern is they way they talk about it in the brochure and the extreme importance they place on it. it's like a constant. the brochure says something to the effect of "diaper changing is disruptive and inhibits learning by interrupting the flow of information" blah blah. like 5 different ways, it says this. and potty stuff is everywhere. they have a giant chart where they say who is potty trained (smiley face, stars) and who isn't (blank). there's stories about potty training, going potty every hour or so...talk about disruptive. god forbid they learn anything BESIDES how great it is to go on the potty.

and the kicker is that they cannot move on to the 3 year old room until they are trained. so there's an endgame there. a finite deadline. it just feels like total pressure, and I'm not even the one being potty trained. she's gone from just having a potty laying around in our bathroom to being on that potty 5 times a day, being confronted with others going potty, reading about it, learning about it, watching others go...it's been a little overwhelming. well, for me, anyway.

anyways.

trent and brett are off to san francisco tomorrow morning. every year, brett and a big group of his buddies go see an eagles game in a different state. last year was denver, and they've been to chicago, new york, and carolina. maybe a few others. anyway, this is trent's first year going and his first trip to california, or anywhere on the west coast. he misses school tomorrow and monday. he's excited, and I'm excited for him.

in other news, I have a wedding to attend on saturday and not one stitch of clothing suitable for it. I do have a fall-ish dress, but sean (who is my date) is wearing grey and black and I want to match because I am a weirdo. I have no money to spend but I will try to find a dress anyway. I hate money.

that is all.

potty time, excellent

so bella is now in the two's room at daycare. she's the littlest peanut in there, but since they are getting more kids in the toddler room, and since she has the skills down that are required for a move up (namely, able to sit at a table and eat, can drink from a regular cup, can use a fork and spoon to feed herself well, and I don't know if there's others) she's moved up. on her first day, which was the same day as trent's first day of school, and so all of this might be moot because I said it already (oh well, whatev)...anyways, on that first day, they sent home a paper and a brochure about moving to the two's room. we never got a paper or a brochure about moving up into any room. the brochure is from the company itself (as it is a chain). both the paper and the brochure are devoted almost singularly to the notion that KIDS GET POTTY TRAINED IN THE TWO'S ROOM. no ifs, ands, or butts.

they've always had a strict schedule for diaper changes. kids get their diapers changed whether they need it or not in regular intervals. I think it's somewhere around every 2 hours. they write on a daily chart if their diaper was wet or if they had a bowel movement (the illustrious "BM") and what time they changed the diaper. only in the two's room, it's required - REQUIRED - that the kids sit on the potty at every diaper change. they have to try. their goal, the brochure says, is that the kids will be potty trained during their year in the two's room. so by the time they're 3. hey, it's not like it's hella early, but still. really? my 23 month old is sitting on the potty 4 times a day now. I just feel like potty training is a personal thing. like maybe I don't want her to feel pressured, you know? I mean, it's great that they take that initiative. but what if I didn't want her potty trained now? would I have to drop that daycare or what??

I can't remember what age trent was potty trained. I think it was after his 3rd birthday. jarrett's son is in the middle of potty training and he turned 3 in june. I guess I just feel like potty training isn't something you say starts at this particular age and lasts until this particular age - it's something you say starts when the kid is ready and ends when the kid no longer pees her pants. you know? I mean I guess I should feel lucky that they are helping, but I really hate being on some arbitrary time line.

bella is cute. trent is sweet.

I have had a hard time figuring out how to start blogging again. I figure I'll go with my kids because that's easy.

bella is cute. she's very interested in being polite, saying please and thank you and you're welcome often. the other day, she set her water cup on the table and said to the cup, "you're welcome!" she's not been sleeping too well, though, unfortunately. we're managing.

trent was challenging this weekend. friday was a bad day. he asked to go to a friend's house after school and I said yes on the condition that he have his phone in his pocket. for a frantic hour, I couldn't get ahold of him. I didn't know where the friend lived and trent wasn't answering his phone. brett finally picked him up (as he knew where the friend lived) and now trent is grounded. his excuse? I forgot.

that's all.

it's a brand new day

and yet I feel much the same.

you all are so good to me. I know that I write this drivel because I need to, but to have all of you care what's going on, that's so meaningful to me. thank you.

yeah, it's not much better today. I'm handling it better, but it's not much better today. I did have my first meeting with a new therapist. I'm actually planning to see her husband, but the woman did the intake because she's a doctor and he isn't. she was great, though, and if he's anything like her, I'll be fine talking to him. I need to work out this shit, seriously. I'm not in 8th grade anymore. I'm not dating jamie davis. I don't need to worry about all the other women on the planet. I don't have to walk around and be looking at everyone and everything and scrutinizing it all as if it all has something to do with me personally.

I do, however, have to suppress this urge to just get the fuck out of here. I am planning some retail therapy tonight which is probably not ideal in terms of finances. but ideal in terms of at least bringing me somewhere close to feeling better about myself physically so maybe I can deal with the other shit instead. I don't know.

but when I say get the fuck out of here, I mean get in the car, drive far away, and not return for quite some time. it's childish really, I know. it's the only way I know how to distance myself from a problem and come up with a solution. that, or get some sort of body alteration or like color my hair or do something to reclaim my life as my own.

now I'm just rambling.

let's talk about bella. she's so adorable. last night, she was in her PJs, just hanging out, watching dora and boos coos and playing with an empty water bottle and a cup of milk. it was a little messy but she was having so much fun. the other day, she was on the phone with sean and he said he'd take her to the taydown, and she said, "promise?" where does the kid learn this stuff??

trent started 8th grade yesterday. that means next year, he's a freshman. in high school. I remember when first days of school were traumatic, and he needed the encouragement of mom. he denied being nervous this year, instead running to the bathroom and saying that the night before, he thought he was going to throw up. but he insists it's because he's sick, not because he's nervous.

I see so much of myself in him. and so much of brett. I hope he is doing okay, because he won't really open up to me too much to tell me about school other than who is in his class, when he has lunch, and whether he can open his locker. I hated middle school and high school was a little traumatic for me as well and I desperately want him to have a better experience than I had. but he won't tell me if he's happy or if he feels pressure or what.

he's going to be 14 and in 9th grade next year, the same age and grade I was in when I was forceably deflowered by the aforementioned jamie davis. the same age that I was when I really started worrying about how I fared next to other girls because of his incessant comparisons and jokes about how I never could and never would measure up to all the girls he COULD be dating. I never want trent to feel like he's not as good as the other kids in school and the fact that he might feel this way already terrifies me.

dude. I can't even go on about this. I need a fucking vacation, I think.

one of those days. again.

oh, you've heard it before. sometimes I get tired of saying it.

you know those days? where you feel like everything you're doing is just a little off? I'm misinterpreting everything, my intuition feels off, I know in my rational mind what's going on but not in my emotional mind. I'm overthinking.

some people meditate. the idea is to clear your mind of everything and focus on one thing, be it a sound like "om" or what light might look like if it were somehow stuck in your belly. or, more commonly, I think, is focusing on exactly what part of your body you'd get plastic surgery on if you actually had the money and didn't feel like such a shallow bitch. any of that is impossible for me. I simply cannot turn off my thoughts. I never have been able to. in many ways, it's an asset - I think it's what makes me good at my job and good at parenting. but it is so exhausting to worry about every possible scenario and every possible thought pattern behind each little word or look...so fucking exhausting.

I like being a girl for the most part. I like that there are certain double standards I can get away with, and that I have a much more generous wardrobe selection than most men. I like that I can decide to get a manicure if I wanted (which, no) but still learn to change my oil (which, someday). just the wide range of options available to me, you know? but what I hate, what I really hate, is the competition. the endless comparisons. I am as guilty as the next lady. and I know there are men out there that say that it's just as bad for them...I have to say that's total bullpucky, and I'm sorry if that sounds sweeping. I know there are men out there with bulemia and viagra wouldn't be as popular if men weren't worried about their dicks. but still. I think really, it's nothing compared to women.

so. to sum it all up, I'm feeling not up to par, like my thoughts are just multiplying and making things worse, and that I'm just off all the way around. I hate days like this. I had a few of these last week, too. what is up with this?? it can't be hormones - I'm back on the pill and that shit's supposed to regulate, right? RIGHT?

at any rate. here I sit. wondering if I should just suck it up, or what.

like old times

it's 5:11 and I am leaving at 5:30 on the dot. or earlier.

yesterday:

I didn't go to the shore for the entire week as planned. instead, sean took trent and bella on sunday night and stayed until today (thursday). I had said I'd join them for the day on wednesday. so I got in the car ready to drive to ocean city, and I got about 3 blocks until I realized that my brake pads must have gone completely and that there was no way I could get to the shore in my car. panic ensued.

I decided to rent a car for the day. I had been waiting to see the kids at the shore and the reason I didn't go for the week itself was already weighing on me, so I just drove right to the rental car place near my house. as I was pulling up, I noticed that 3 doors down was a meineke muffler place. it said "BRAKES" on the outside, so I figured what the hell. I stopped there first to ask if they could fit me in today, knowing that otherwise it would probably have to wait for my mechanic until at least monday. so they said yes. I left the keys and my cell number and walked to the rental car place.

cheapest car they had to rent me was $50. a mercury milan. not exactly an economy car. whatever. so after all the talk about insurance (I didn't opt for it) I was finally on the road.

I was worried about my car and the inevitable expense and missed my exit on the turnpike. let me tell you that I ALWAYS take that exit, it's like auto pilot for me. and I've never missed an exit on the turnpike. whatev, I kept going. I went over the wrong bridge (thanks, fucking GOOGLE MAPS and MAPQUEST, who both had wrong info) and found myself on a business road. all of this was taking place in the rain.

my original eta was 11am. I arrived shortly before 1.

it rained nearly all day. I had my bathing suit on but was wearing pants, a tank top, a long sleeved shirt, and a jean jacket overtop. and I didn't take any of it off. even when we tried to brave the weather and go to the beach. I was going to see bella play in the sand, dammit.

stayed for a while, ate, had an IBS attack on the ride pier, drove home shortly before 8.

got a speeding ticket after nearly making it home. $155. plus, I was surrounded by 4 policemen because I think there was a problem with the registration of the rental car.

sometimes I wish I came standard with wheels on my feet so I could just get around on my own without a car. don't you?

go taydown, tay?

borrowing from the bean spot.

bella knows so many words that I often wonder where she heard some of the things she says and what else she might have learned that she's not saying. (she still says "oh shit" when something goes wrong, and has added "fuckin" to her vernacular....that is totally my fault.)

she's been saying for days "go taydown. taydown, tay? o tay. less go! bye bye!" I could not figure it out. we've gotten a new, non-related-to-us babysitter - one of the daycare workers at bella's daycare, named crystal, who loves bella - and she couldn't figure it out either. yesterday, I finally got it: playground. duh. she LOVES the taydown. we went last night at her insistence (in the slogler, or stroller) and she had a meltdown when it was time to go. when she is upset or doesn't want to do something, the phrase is "no! I don yike it! I don want it!"

she's also doing well with colors. she doesn't have to have the teletubbies in front of her to be able to tell you what color they all are. she has a book of colors and her markers and she's got them all memorized - black, white, pink, red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, green. (or bak, vite, peenk, orng, yeyow, blue, purpol, and geen.) she has some trouble with brown. I switch them up to make sure she's not just learning them in order from the book, and she's able to identify them in other places, so I feel like she really does know what they are. they tell me at daycare that she's good with shapes, too, but we haven't done much of that at home. at home, she just likes "colorininin" with markers or crayons.

every day, I ask her what we should have for dinner. she always says BOKLI! I ask her what else and I get answers anywhere from breakfast to macawoni cheese to bokli again. she loves her broccoli. she also has a constant running commentary on pretty much everything. "big truck oushied...big doggie! I see it! I wanna touch it. I wanna pet it. bye bye, doggie. look! look! choochoo!! it's runnin fast. bye bye, choochoo."

sean got a baby bike seat on the back of his newly-tuned-up bike, and bella loves riding in it. when he goes fast, she says "runnin! runnin!" which I guess means that they're going fast. he said that when he goes up a hill and is going slow, she says "where'd runnin go?"

there's not much she's not saying, and she says most things pretty well. she'll say when she's hurt and where, if she's tired or sleepy, if she wants to "yay down" for a minute, and she's very into taking care of her teletubbies. the other day, it was too quiet, and I found her with about 15 wipes she had taken out and was washing each of the bubbies. she said tinky winky was dirty (damn conservatives putting ideas in her head) and needed to be washed. ("tinky winky, he's all dirty. I wash him.") and shout out to sophie, bella asks for a paper towel almost every day. she uses it to wash things off, and then puts it on her head and dances around with it until finally she rips it into a million pieces and then throws it in the trash. she loves paper towels.

I guess that's it for now. the kids and sean are getting ready to go to the beach and they are so excited. I have that wedding on saturday and I'm hoping that when it's over, I will have more time to think and sort things out.

fuschia prom queen

so it's the countdown to my niece nichole's wedding...she gets married at my sister denise's house on saturday. this weekend was the bachelorette party, as I think I may have mentioned. we had a rough start, since my other niece melissa, who lives in daytona, had a hard time getting to PA. her flight was either delayed or she missed it (I think she missed it) and the airline lost her luggage. she was in tears by the time my cousin jackie picked her up from the airport and got her up to denise's in quakertown. she had 4 minutes to get ready, as our limo had already been sitting outside for over an hour. by the time we got on the road, it was after 9 - our original start time was 7:30.

we got to copabanana on south street and jackie, who is the maid of honor, realized that it was really not the place we wanted to hang out, so we walked a block down to jon's, which I'd never actually been to before. we ate on the upper deck, near people who were all pissed off that they had to be in the presence of a bachelorette party. nichole was wearing a veil and a sash...she was a good sport about it. personally, I would have ripped that shit off the second it was put on me. but we were pretty sedate, so we didn't make any of the pissed off people more pissed off by living up to the stereotype.

but then, we lived up to the stereotype. it was nearly 11 by the time we were done dinner, and I figured that if we tried to go to more than one bar at this point, we'd be pretty much stuck there. the plan was to go to a number of places before eventually settling in at the cave, which is a male strip club on delaware ave (pronounced "delaware av" and not "avenue"). delaware ave, for those of you not from philadelphia, doesn't technically exist anymore as it was renamed "columbus boulevard" but the delaware ave moniker remains and is synonymous with "cheesy mile of cheesy clubs". the cheesiest of those clubs, especially for bachelorette parties, is the cave. I'd actually never been there before this weekend, even though 3 people I know had bachelorette parties there. I'd escaped it every time before this weekend.

we walked in and saw nothing but women. scantily clad, very drunk women. and one man on stage, fully dressed, with a microphone. I guess he was the emcee. there was a throng of women by the stage, where the current featured performer was grabbing dollar bills out of women's tits and mouths. I could only see the top of his head. a few minutes later, he was back up on stage collecting crumpled up dollar bills, stuffing them into his banana hammock (which is why those things look so big) and walking offstage. all the men wear black briefs with a ruched seam in the ass and extra big pouch in front. all the performances feature one small fluffing session while the pants are still on so that they can better fill out the pouch. and I needed only wait 10 minutes or so to figure out why the backdrop to the stage was a big black scuffed piece of plywood - that's so that they can do handstands on the floor and rest their feet on the wall and dryhump the air.

they also had some dudes walking around just groping women looking for dollar bills. it is so unlike a female strip club, because there is alot more touching involved. a guy came over to our little group and I grabbed him by the arm and directed him to nichole, into whose bra I had put a dollar bill. he first grazed my neck before turning to her and taking the dollar out of her bra, hands on her hips, just really in her face. women were grabbing these men by the ass, sticking their money way into the briefs, and in turn, the men were grabbing tits, asses, giving kisses on the neck and sometimes on the thighs...it was insane. if you tried to pull that shit in a regular strip club, you'd be thrown out in a heartbeat. by a very big man who wouldn't worry about hurting you.

at the end of the night, after all the men have done their performances (which consist of coming out on stage with 2 other men, all clothed, doing about a minute of a dance routine, then a strip tease that involves the aforementioned fluffing, then various humping motions, followed by a walk along the front of the stage collecting money) they have these "hot seats" - I've never been to a strip club for a bachelor party so I've never seen this before. it may be old hat to you people. you pay $25 (which I thought sounded like a bargain) for the priviledge to sit on a chair on stage, choose the man you'd like to pretend to be interested in you, and he then dances all over you. eventually, your chair gets pushed to the wall so he can do that handstand thing and pretend to 69 you. yes, I paid for nichole to have one such "hot seat" experience. yes, I took pictures.

it was great people watching. some of these women really took it quite seriously. and some of these women were quite lecherous. I'd say 90% of the women there were there for bachelorette parties. some women were obviously wasted, but alot of them seemed with it. many were wearing headbands with little penises on them. again, you'd have to hold me at gunpoint to wear that shit. but hey, if this is how they want to commemorate the fact that they're already in a monogamous relationship that they plan to make legal therefore making the bachelorette party just a frivolous excuse to act crazy, more power to them.

we closed the cave and drove the hour plus back to quakertown in the limo. by the time we got home, it was 3:30 am. I had to be at trent's soccer game, after having picked up bella at kkkathy's, at 9am. the field is an hour away. so basically, I had to get up at 7. I arrived home at 4:30. surprisingly, I wasn't as tired as I was the day before, when I had to stop on the way back from the tournament to take a 10 minute nap on the side of the turnpike with both kids in the car. the sleep, it has been lacking the last few weeks.

so that was the weekend. this week, I have to get trent's outfit together, pick up my dress from the tailor, go tanning (I know, I know), get shoes for trent, go help make rice bags for favors, and then rehearsal dinner friday night and wedding saturday. wish me luck.