same old

my friends,

I again find myself lost. completely and totally lost. this was probably the worst weekend I've had in many years. I wish I could elaborate but I can't, and I don't know if I want to relive it anyways. on the other side of it, finally, now I find myself questioning everything. all I really think I am doing these days is just existing for the time being. I feel like a piece of driftwood. not in control of my own destiny and not tethered to anything tangible.

there are some things that I have to change about myself. stuff like not expecting that people will treat me the way I treat them just because I treat them that way. if I do something nice for someone, it's supposed to be because I want to do something nice, not because down the line I want to be able to expect to be treated in kind. I have to work on that, because it's not something that everyone can live up to and it's not fair to them to have to live up to it without having signed up for that responsibility. that's hard for me, though, because I get a great deal of personal satisfaction from making others happy. which is probably not a good thing. not in the amounts that I do it.

and there are some things that I feel like I have to change about my surroundings. I have to take charge. I just am so afraid of missing out on things, of not being included, of not being liked and not being as wanted as someone else. it's time to grow up and realize that I am not going to be included every time and that not everyone will like me. I have to be more true to myself. and that means that some people might not like it and things might change. but ultimately, the only person I can rely on is myself. so I have to be true to myself first, because no one else is going to put me first.

this is truly probably the lowest I've felt in this entire ordeal. I feel like I'm in a hole and might not be able to climb out, not for a while and not after the hole gets just a little bit deeper.