9.05.2006

one of those days. again.

oh, you've heard it before. sometimes I get tired of saying it.

you know those days? where you feel like everything you're doing is just a little off? I'm misinterpreting everything, my intuition feels off, I know in my rational mind what's going on but not in my emotional mind. I'm overthinking.

some people meditate. the idea is to clear your mind of everything and focus on one thing, be it a sound like "om" or what light might look like if it were somehow stuck in your belly. or, more commonly, I think, is focusing on exactly what part of your body you'd get plastic surgery on if you actually had the money and didn't feel like such a shallow bitch. any of that is impossible for me. I simply cannot turn off my thoughts. I never have been able to. in many ways, it's an asset - I think it's what makes me good at my job and good at parenting. but it is so exhausting to worry about every possible scenario and every possible thought pattern behind each little word or look...so fucking exhausting.

I like being a girl for the most part. I like that there are certain double standards I can get away with, and that I have a much more generous wardrobe selection than most men. I like that I can decide to get a manicure if I wanted (which, no) but still learn to change my oil (which, someday). just the wide range of options available to me, you know? but what I hate, what I really hate, is the competition. the endless comparisons. I am as guilty as the next lady. and I know there are men out there that say that it's just as bad for them...I have to say that's total bullpucky, and I'm sorry if that sounds sweeping. I know there are men out there with bulemia and viagra wouldn't be as popular if men weren't worried about their dicks. but still. I think really, it's nothing compared to women.

so. to sum it all up, I'm feeling not up to par, like my thoughts are just multiplying and making things worse, and that I'm just off all the way around. I hate days like this. I had a few of these last week, too. what is up with this?? it can't be hormones - I'm back on the pill and that shit's supposed to regulate, right? RIGHT?

at any rate. here I sit. wondering if I should just suck it up, or what.

6 validations:

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Hmmmm I wonder why you might be stressed and feeling a little off.

Could it be that your going through the #1 ranked (even higher than a death) stress inducer with the divorce.

Life will settle down and in the meantime I say hang on tight! Also cut yourself some slack - everything does not have to be perfect or even close to it.

amandak said...

Sometimes hormones get worse before they get better when you're back on the pill. I dunno, could be.

Hang in there, tough chick, this too shall pass.

the beige one said...

I believe OMH has the bead on the sitch. 'Round these parts, we call the hyperactive thought bit getting the monkeybrain, which is particularly horrible if you're trying to get to sleep. (mine tend to revolve around creative projects and how much needs to get done, ergo stress related.)

Remedy? An old gf recommended the big O by whatever means necessary, which works the majority of the time. For me, at least.

Best of luck, skiddoo

Stine said...

A second to the Big O solution.

And also, it can TOTALLY be the hormones while one is on the pill. I was on for 17 years, and it totally messes with your hos.

The other thing I know, is that when your physiology is off, whether that be hormones, lack of endorphins, increased cortisol from stress, or what-have-you, it colors your perception of the outside world. Your cerebellum does not correctly process the information your nervous system is sending.

I understand how you feel, and when I feel it, I do whatever I can to help my physiology at that point. That help can be vitamins, working out, chanting, screaming, crying, listening to killer music, or eating chocolate.

Just know you ain't alone sister, and you are entitled to "one of those days" as often as you damn well want and need them.

Jen said...

Everyone has those days, I think. You just have to get past them.

I can't turn my thoughts off either, which is why I try to distract myself by reading, or watching tv or working on a project. Throwing myself into a proect always helps.

NME said...

Hope you're feeling better today having adequately squashed those thoughts by any means necessary.