I again find myself lost. completely and totally lost. this was probably the worst weekend I've had in many years. I wish I could elaborate but I can't, and I don't know if I want to relive it anyways. on the other side of it, finally, now I find myself questioning everything. all I really think I am doing these days is just existing for the time being. I feel like a piece of driftwood. not in control of my own destiny and not tethered to anything tangible.
there are some things that I have to change about myself. stuff like not expecting that people will treat me the way I treat them just because I treat them that way. if I do something nice for someone, it's supposed to be because I want to do something nice, not because down the line I want to be able to expect to be treated in kind. I have to work on that, because it's not something that everyone can live up to and it's not fair to them to have to live up to it without having signed up for that responsibility. that's hard for me, though, because I get a great deal of personal satisfaction from making others happy. which is probably not a good thing. not in the amounts that I do it.
and there are some things that I feel like I have to change about my surroundings. I have to take charge. I just am so afraid of missing out on things, of not being included, of not being liked and not being as wanted as someone else. it's time to grow up and realize that I am not going to be included every time and that not everyone will like me. I have to be more true to myself. and that means that some people might not like it and things might change. but ultimately, the only person I can rely on is myself. so I have to be true to myself first, because no one else is going to put me first.
this is truly probably the lowest I've felt in this entire ordeal. I feel like I'm in a hole and might not be able to climb out, not for a while and not after the hole gets just a little bit deeper.
stealing from katy and generally doing something I hate, which is a meme thingie, and also is sort of a cop out from real blogging. whatev, I don't care.
In a word...
Your partner: challenging
Your hair: dry
Your mother: distant
Your father: nicer
Your favorite item: backscratcher (which is now one word)
Your dream last night: bad
Your favorite drink: aquafina
Your dream car: runs
Your dream home: old
The room you are in: cube
Your ex: nice
Your fear: torture
Where you want to be in ten years: happier
Who you hung out with last night: bella
What you're not: happy
One of your wish list items: flooring
The last thing you did: typed
What you are wearing: black
Your favorite weather: fall
Your favorite book: short
Last thing you ate: bread
Your life: uncontrollable
Your mood: defeated
Your best friends: bloggers
What are you thinking about right now: money
Your car: broken
What are you doing at the moment: duh
Your summer: chaos
Relationship status: yes
What is on your tv: fingerprints
What is the weather like: rainy
When is the last time you laughed: forever
it's been a busy few days. week. whatev. I find myself just not equipped to deal. shocking. all I do here is bitch and moan, bitch and moan.
not everyone is supportive of my decision to begin dating. and to call a spade a spade, we're talking about jarrett. after both of us decided that we needed to get out of our marriages, we found that we...I'm not even going to finish the sentence. I don't feel like justifying anything. I wanted to say "I was never unfaithful to my husband" but I don't have to say that, do I?
jarrett came to bella's party where he met some of my friends for the first time. for the most part, it went well, with most of my friends. I was concerned about my friend kristen. we'd been friends since first grade and have seen each other through alot. I think I've mentioned her here before. anyway, sean and I set her up with sean's first college roommate, brian. they hit it off. that was a few years ago, and thus they came to bella's party with their new son, mason. but since brian is a good friend of sean's, I wasn't sure what would happen. they both were gracious and kind at the party, and afterwards via email, I asked kristen if she were upset or disappointed in me. and she said "of course I'm not. I'm totally happy for you. I just want you to be happy and jarrett seems like a really nice guy." that was it. nothing more than a genuine want to see me happy, no matter what choices I make.
sean's been very supportive, as well. we've talked about it for a few weeks now. he's comfortable with jarrett, likes him, and thinks he'll treat me well. he's a big man, sean. he and I sat down to talk last week about where we are. he knows I'm serious about jarrett and he told me how he's been on quite a few dates, dating back to about 2 months or more ago. (shows me that I shouldn't worry so much - I was dreading telling him about my situation and he was dating already anyways.) he's less successful than he'd like, but he's ready to be out there and dating and trying to "get something going" as he says.
I was invited to noah's birthday party at nicole's mom's house in quakertown over the weekend, and I talked with sean beforehand about bringing jarrett. and then I talked to jarrett about going and seeing people he's never met in a somewhat awkward situation. both of them were okay with jarrett coming, so he accompanied me to the party. I think it went well, but I haven't had alot of feedback. sean thought it went fine and so did jarrett. it was very stressful for all of us but I guess you have to get through these things.
it's important for me to start being more open about things. I find that I am very closed off from alot of my friends and family lately because I don't feel like I can share everything with everyone. now, I feel like just about everyone is up to speed with me, more or less, and my relationship with both sean and jarrett. I try to think that the people this impacts the most - my kids, sean, and jarrett - all are supportive and are fine with it. I just wish everyone was. it's cost me dearly, following this path, and I thought there was a way back from that. it doesn't seem there is. but I've learned some things about myself and about other people and I guess I'm growing because of it. or something.
whipped up at 3:16 PM
this is what she wanted to wear on the day of her party.
she didn't get the whole "blow out the candles" thing.
trent helped her open her presents.
she got to play with her playdoh (or "paydoh" as she calls it) on sunday.
she was initially in love with her costume, then afraid of it, and then loved it again.
after trick or treating and eating birthday tastykakes, she wanted a kiss.
whipped up at 1:49 PM