it's a brand new day

and yet I feel much the same.

you all are so good to me. I know that I write this drivel because I need to, but to have all of you care what's going on, that's so meaningful to me. thank you.

yeah, it's not much better today. I'm handling it better, but it's not much better today. I did have my first meeting with a new therapist. I'm actually planning to see her husband, but the woman did the intake because she's a doctor and he isn't. she was great, though, and if he's anything like her, I'll be fine talking to him. I need to work out this shit, seriously. I'm not in 8th grade anymore. I'm not dating jamie davis. I don't need to worry about all the other women on the planet. I don't have to walk around and be looking at everyone and everything and scrutinizing it all as if it all has something to do with me personally.

I do, however, have to suppress this urge to just get the fuck out of here. I am planning some retail therapy tonight which is probably not ideal in terms of finances. but ideal in terms of at least bringing me somewhere close to feeling better about myself physically so maybe I can deal with the other shit instead. I don't know.

but when I say get the fuck out of here, I mean get in the car, drive far away, and not return for quite some time. it's childish really, I know. it's the only way I know how to distance myself from a problem and come up with a solution. that, or get some sort of body alteration or like color my hair or do something to reclaim my life as my own.

now I'm just rambling.

let's talk about bella. she's so adorable. last night, she was in her PJs, just hanging out, watching dora and boos coos and playing with an empty water bottle and a cup of milk. it was a little messy but she was having so much fun. the other day, she was on the phone with sean and he said he'd take her to the taydown, and she said, "promise?" where does the kid learn this stuff??

trent started 8th grade yesterday. that means next year, he's a freshman. in high school. I remember when first days of school were traumatic, and he needed the encouragement of mom. he denied being nervous this year, instead running to the bathroom and saying that the night before, he thought he was going to throw up. but he insists it's because he's sick, not because he's nervous.

I see so much of myself in him. and so much of brett. I hope he is doing okay, because he won't really open up to me too much to tell me about school other than who is in his class, when he has lunch, and whether he can open his locker. I hated middle school and high school was a little traumatic for me as well and I desperately want him to have a better experience than I had. but he won't tell me if he's happy or if he feels pressure or what.

he's going to be 14 and in 9th grade next year, the same age and grade I was in when I was forceably deflowered by the aforementioned jamie davis. the same age that I was when I really started worrying about how I fared next to other girls because of his incessant comparisons and jokes about how I never could and never would measure up to all the girls he COULD be dating. I never want trent to feel like he's not as good as the other kids in school and the fact that he might feel this way already terrifies me.

dude. I can't even go on about this. I need a fucking vacation, I think.