it's a brand new day

and yet I feel much the same.

you all are so good to me. I know that I write this drivel because I need to, but to have all of you care what's going on, that's so meaningful to me. thank you.

yeah, it's not much better today. I'm handling it better, but it's not much better today. I did have my first meeting with a new therapist. I'm actually planning to see her husband, but the woman did the intake because she's a doctor and he isn't. she was great, though, and if he's anything like her, I'll be fine talking to him. I need to work out this shit, seriously. I'm not in 8th grade anymore. I'm not dating jamie davis. I don't need to worry about all the other women on the planet. I don't have to walk around and be looking at everyone and everything and scrutinizing it all as if it all has something to do with me personally.

I do, however, have to suppress this urge to just get the fuck out of here. I am planning some retail therapy tonight which is probably not ideal in terms of finances. but ideal in terms of at least bringing me somewhere close to feeling better about myself physically so maybe I can deal with the other shit instead. I don't know.

but when I say get the fuck out of here, I mean get in the car, drive far away, and not return for quite some time. it's childish really, I know. it's the only way I know how to distance myself from a problem and come up with a solution. that, or get some sort of body alteration or like color my hair or do something to reclaim my life as my own.

now I'm just rambling.

let's talk about bella. she's so adorable. last night, she was in her PJs, just hanging out, watching dora and boos coos and playing with an empty water bottle and a cup of milk. it was a little messy but she was having so much fun. the other day, she was on the phone with sean and he said he'd take her to the taydown, and she said, "promise?" where does the kid learn this stuff??

trent started 8th grade yesterday. that means next year, he's a freshman. in high school. I remember when first days of school were traumatic, and he needed the encouragement of mom. he denied being nervous this year, instead running to the bathroom and saying that the night before, he thought he was going to throw up. but he insists it's because he's sick, not because he's nervous.

I see so much of myself in him. and so much of brett. I hope he is doing okay, because he won't really open up to me too much to tell me about school other than who is in his class, when he has lunch, and whether he can open his locker. I hated middle school and high school was a little traumatic for me as well and I desperately want him to have a better experience than I had. but he won't tell me if he's happy or if he feels pressure or what.

he's going to be 14 and in 9th grade next year, the same age and grade I was in when I was forceably deflowered by the aforementioned jamie davis. the same age that I was when I really started worrying about how I fared next to other girls because of his incessant comparisons and jokes about how I never could and never would measure up to all the girls he COULD be dating. I never want trent to feel like he's not as good as the other kids in school and the fact that he might feel this way already terrifies me.

dude. I can't even go on about this. I need a fucking vacation, I think.

8 validations:

Katy said...

I think I hate Jamie Davis.

Like you though. Lots. Hope you feel better soon.

thelyamhound said...

The bad news is, feeling like you're not as good as the other kids is part of being 14. The good news is, most of us seem to survive it. If Trent's anything like me, he'll have a love/hate relationship with your concern, but will eventually come to appreciate, even cherish it.

The NEWS (neither good nor bad) is that we all carry some of those wounds. I harbor resentments from nearly every era of my life, and I feel "stuck" on a pretty regular basis. It's always a bit of a project trying to keep these things in perspective, and I don't know that they ever go away. We just become stronger, our views more inclusive and nuanced. Wisdom isn't about eliminating those parts of ourselves--our fears, our neuroses, our persistent memories--that we'd prefer to do without. Wisdom always adds something; it's a leavening influence that turns mere weeds into grain, mere flour into bread. It turns the past into the the ingredients of a better future.

You know, all that gay, new-agey stuff. Only cooler.

And if you want, Jamie Davis's ass is toast. Toast, I tell you. Just say the word. :^)

lonna said...

As a psychologist I know how all sorts of things can rise up and bite us in the ass when we least expect it or even when we do expect it, but don't want to deal with it. I over react a lot to some of Ethan's behaviors because of being raised with abusive parents. It makes him really mad, and it makes me feel really weak. When at look at myself objectively, I can see how far I have come and what I have to offer, but I very often see the fat little girl who isn't good enough. Unfortunately, you see the young teenager who isn't good enough even though I know that part of you knows better. I wish that knowing about how all of this affects us would make us feel better, but it doesn't. I always tell Ethan that my brain says one thing, but my emotions say another thing, and they're both right, unfortunately. All I can say is that I'm right there with you. Zoloft has helped me and so has physically moving away from the problems, but that's not the answer for most people. I really hope that you and your therapist can find a solution for you.

Oh, and Jamie Davis is such a fuckwad for what he did to you and even more so for the long term effects it has had.

beanspot said...

Jamie Davis...
I never liked him before, and now he has reached about as low as a human being (that's being generous) can go.

It really sucks that he can still have such an effect on you.

KATIEmagic said...

Jesus. Is this Jamie Davis asshole still around? Cause I can think of a lot of heinous things I'd like to forcably do to him right now.

It's got to be hard to feel so out of the loop with Trent. I'm not looking forward to that with Ellis. I think everyone has some issues that come out of jr. high and high school. I hope his are of the very mundane and minor variety.

Hugs to all of you!

NME said...

Don't even get me started on Jamie Davis. I'm sure you aren't the only one mentioning his name in therapy. I hope your new therapist is a help to you.

Bella is incredibly amazingly sweet and smart. I could just eat her. And thought Trent is becoming a quiet surly teen - he's SUCH a good kid. REALLY. It's amazing.

the beige one said...

If we focus all of this negative energy towards Jamie Davis right now, odds are his head will explode all Scanners-style.

And rightly so. I don't even know the dude, or the history, beyond what's alluded to here, and I'm thinking he truly deserves to be punched and mutilated where he fucks.


~A~ said...

((((HUGS)))) thinking about you.