heavy

I just got back from a trip to walmart where I felt like my chest was going to explode and all of my insides would have to be put into my cart and wheeled out to my car with my limp body. everyone gets to a certain point, I guess, where things all hit them at once and they feel like they're going to become unglued. that was me, in walmart. as I waded through the aisles buying sean new things for his apartment. an iron, pots and pans, a trash can, knives, silverware. I think it was one of the hardest things I've done in this whole process.

double post day

so yeah, I had a root canal today. and after I posted about it, I went out to do some errands and go see my new therapist. want to know how it went? what? did you just scream "YES!"? I thought so. (shhhh. let me believe it.)

I opened a checking and savings account for myself. I've been bad with money my whole life, and this time I have to be good with it. I'm alot older than the last time I did this on my own, and in a better place. I think alot of why I wasn't good at managing my money had to do with the fact that I had very little of it. not that I'm swimming in dough, but I do have more than I used to. I hope that helps.

after the bank, I went to repierce my nose. I had had a nosering for about 8 years prior to the last 18 months or so, when I took out my stud. or actually, bella ripped it out and I figured it was best I leave it out for a while. then I just got used to it and left it out. when I tried to put it back in, it was just not happening. I feel like it is a part of me that's gotten lost, so I wanted to get it repierced for my birthday. a little belated, but still. know how much it costs to get one's nose repierced by a professional - ie, not by a gun? with a nice tip, $120. at least it includes a nosering. the ones I have are either not very nice, missing stones, or corkscrews, which I really don't like. this one has a removable gem, which I kind of hate, but they had no small steel ball studs like I am used to. this will do for now. it's very small, like my old ones were. if I could get away with it at work, though, I'd wear a tight hoop. maybe someday.

the interesting thing was that even though it was a repierce and the front, outer-facing hole was open, I still had the same sensations that I had the first time. it's on the right side (which I've found is the opposite of what most people have) and so the entire right side of my face twitched uncontrollably as the needle went in. then, as she put in the jewelry, it twitched again. all the while, my right eye was tearing copious amounts of liquid. just the right eye. the first time I got it done, I was afraid I was doing permanent nerve damage or I was having a stroke. it's only temporary though. and I'll tell you, I'm not good with pain, but it does give you a certain rush. I'm not big on drugs but I imagine it's what your first bump of coke feels like, at least for a split second. it's like you're elevated to a higher plane, things speed up, and you feel transcendent. but then it just hurts.

so after the bank and the peircing thingie, I had about 2 hours to kill before my therapist appointment, so I took myself out to dinner in doylestown. I found a small italian place and had myself some linguine with vodka gravy. still an hour to kill. so I walked around, until I thought I was going to die from humidity. see, the past 4 days or so, it's been crazy raining. enough that my roof is leaking and brett's basement flooded and my boss couldn't get into work today after trying for 3 hours. but today, it was hot and sunny. and all the moisture was burning off back into the atmosphere. I was sweating buckets, so I wound up driving around in the air conditioning and parking and catching up on phone calls.

then, the therapist. it's a new guy. the husband of the lady I had gone to before. did I mention that, the woman I was seeing? she was my father's therapist back in the day? anyway, it was too awkward with her so I asked for a referral and what do you know. she referred her husband, who shares a practice with her. the man is, I'm afraid, old. old fashioned, even. I have only ever seen women before and it felt like I was communicating with my dad. not good. not to mention he had made several judgements about what I was doing only a few minutes into our conversation. I don't like people who are quick to judge like that. he dismissed some real feelings I have. or I think they're real. I would examine that and maybe take under advisement that they are not real if he took the time to really get to know me before he stated that I wasn't doing the right thing. so...I think I need to find someone new. preferably someone closer to home, too. but I don't feel right calling him up and asking him who I should see. I think I will just leave a message and say I am cancelling my appointment and leave it at that. is that the coward's way out? probably.

so sean is moving in with friends of ours starting saturday. now that we got it over with, I'm actually not sure how I feel about it. sad, a little nervous, very guilty. not happy, and not relieved, as I had felt when I found out he was getting his apartment on the 15th. the one thing I did get from my therapy session is that my reasoning for doing this seems sound to dr. tony. not that it gives me great comfort, actually. but you know how I am with validation.

in closing, I drank a caffeinated beverage which is prohibiting me from being tired. plus, my tooth and nose hurt. and I think I am getting a cold. and I am a little bit dreading tomorrow, but I don't know why. there are things about this whole situation that have me so conflicted right now. most of which are dr. tony's doing, and for that, I think I'm actually a little mad at him. I suppose introspection is good, but second-guessing yourself is something else entirely. and for someone who just met me, saying all he said was not suggesting introspection as much as it was making me second guess. I don't know.

what do you think, blogiverse? should you always trust a therapist's opinion more than your own?

ever danced with the devil by the pale moon light?

ever touched a piece of your own nerve? I have.

it was about 3/4 of an inch long, red at the tip but whitish gray, looked like angel hair pasta - maybe a little thinner. rubbery. my dentist was able to pull it out whole. the other 3 didn't survive the ripping out process.

2 hours, 8 shots of novocaine (2 coming midway through since the others wore off), 4 holes, and $500 later, I have completed one more root canal. hold your applause.

sean found out that his apartment will be ready by july 15. the guilt I feel over my relief is palpable. if guilt can be palpable. he's also said that based on my horrid behavior last night, maybe it's best that he move out until then. I was a bitch - snippy, short, curt. I was in a very bad mood and it was not something I was hiding. while I feel like his moving out is probably for the best, the way it went down makes me upset. I guess I'm not very good at hiding my feelings. I wish it hadn't happened this way.

I have to go open a checking account today. as some of you may know, sean controls all of the money in our house, by my choice. I don't know how much I make, when payday is, or how much any of our bills are. I will have to learn quick. I also have no credit of my own but need to get myself established with a credit card - we'll see how that goes. we've packed up alot of his stuff already. I don't think I'll be able to be here when he moves. knowing the date is earlier makes it more real and sad even if I am relieved.

thank you all for your support.

the road ahead looks hard

now that I have said what I have to say, and really accepted it for myself, it's been difficult to continue to share a house with sean. that's not to say that he's been anything less than his normal wonderful self, it's just that once you make a decision like this, it's hard to stare the next step in the face and not be able to move forward and take it. it's like you're preparing to do something awful, and not being able to just get it over with. anyone who knows me well knows I am not a patient person by nature anyway, but this is excruciating. from the moment I leave work until the moment I leave the house in the morning the next day, I feel completely tense. and the guilt hangs over me at home like nothing I've ever imagined. I think I just need to schedule myself to be out of the house as much as possible in the next month.

the next month. it feels like it's going to be forever. I understand why sean wants to stay - it would be exceedingly difficult for him. he's very much a man of routine. he doesn't like change and relishes his comfort zone. he wants to trade our home for his own home, and doesn't want to live anywhere in between. since I'm the one that instigated all of this, I suppose I have to be the one to be as flexible as possible and allow him to transition only once, instead of asking him to stay with someone else until the apartment he chose is ready for him at the end of july.

that's what my rational mind says, and that's what I'm doing. inside, in the part of my brain that is both very emotional and seemingly very selfish, I just want him to go. yes, it's going to be hard for him and I feel bad that he won't be comfortable, but I can't understand why he'd be comfortable in our house. I'm not. I feel like nothing is the same, everything is different, and it's all in limbo. but he can just chill on the couch or sleep in our bed and be just fine with it. I can't. it feels fake and pretend and it hurts. I feel guilty every second that I'm in there and knowing I'm making the situation worse is just, well, worse.

so I'm doing what I can to keep myself sane and not cause more hurt to sean than I need to. it's a really fine line and it's not easy, but I didn't think it would be.

in other news, bella and sean and I had a conversation yesterday. sean and I were at the dinner table talking about doctors, and bella says "doctor?" and I said "yes, we're talking about the doctor." and she looks at us for a minute and says "medicine?" sean and I looked at each other like holy shit, and I said "yes, the doctor gives you medicine but only when you're sick. you're not sick - you're healthy." "helfy?" "yes, bella is healthy." "mommy helfy?" "yes, mommy's healthy. daddy's healthy too." "madgy helfy?" "yes, maggie's healthy." "chair helfy?" "yes, the chair is healthy." boy do I love that kid.

that's all for now. thank you all for being so supportive, it means more than you realize.

the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...

enough beating around the bush. it's hard to keep it a secret - maybe almost as hard as it is to say it out loud. sean and I are separating.

he didn't want me blogging about it at first because it's private. but though I love everyone who reads and comments, this blog is about me. it's cathartic. it's where I vent. so he agreed and here I am.

I've done many awful things in my life. things that I regret. hurting sean is probably one of the things I regret the most. if I could have forseen how things would turn out I would never have let this happen. the truth is that I am not in love with him and haven't been for a very long time. and because of the lack of affection - affection I couldn't give him - he's no longer in love with me either.

it's hard to look at the people who love us and tell them that I've failed. all the people who stood around in that crazy room at the FOP building at broad and spring garden who sat and watched while I held sean's hand and trent's hand and promised to spend my life being married to sean - I am letting all of them down. the woman who presided over the ceremony, a lovely lesbian named donnamarie, even instructed the guests to be there to help us stay together. and even if those people complied - there's nothing that can be done.

a marriage can have alot of components - mutual respect, friendship, consideration, love, affection - but if one of those is lacking, it just doesn't work. it's so much easier to explain to people when the thing that's lacking is respect, or consideration. when it's something so intangible as "being in love", it's much harder to explain.

as we go through the painful process of figuring out whose stuff is whose, waiting for the end of july when sean moves out of our house, I hope this blog will be my outlet. I need one, that's for sure. maybe you'll choose not to read - maybe you're upset that I am not upholding my commitment. or you may think that sean is the best thing to ever happen to me and that I'm crazy. I will understand if that's how you feel. I am taking a stab at this whole "do what you have to do" thing and hope that when I come out on the other side, there are still people there waiting to see me.

sean, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wish I could have been a better wife to you and I wish that I could have spared you all of this to begin with. I hope you take solace in the fact that we created a beautiful child and that you helped shape the young man that trent is today. I hope that when this is over, we can continue to rely on each other as much as possible. most of all, I hope that someday, you'll find someone who will love you the same way you've loved me. because I had never felt so safe and secure and I always knew I was loved. that's what I want for you - and I don't know when I'll forgive myself for not being that person. I hope you realize that all the LYSM that I spoke were from the heart and that I didn't try to deceive you. as I realized what was going on, I tried to let you know. but the truth hurts sometimes and that is the worst thing of all. I just hope that you can forgive me.

long in the tooth

okay, this is going to be very difficult for me to tell you. and you have to promise me that the next time you see me, you're not going to zero in on my mouth, okay? promise? PROMISE??

I have always hated my teeth. I try to remember to cover my mouth when possible, stand far away from people when I do smile, or don't show them when I am close enough that they may be able to see them. I hate them. I have had several root canals, tons of cavities, just badness in there. I brush them - oh how I brush them - and yet they don't seem to care, choosing to decay any old time they want to.

so I broke a tooth the other day - part losing a filling, part breaking it - and had to go to the dentist unexpectedly. now, this dentist and I had a great rapport a few years ago when I was in crisis mode with these things before. and then I never went back. so I was taking a chance in going to him again. he might hate me. but he didn't.

there is one tooth in particular (if I had to choose just one - there are many) that I hate more than the others. when I was on welfare back when trent was an infant, I went to a horrible dentist who, instead of treating a cavity I had in my front incisor, went ahead and just slapped a bunch of horribly miscolored tooth-like substance overtop of it and it just has been awful ever since. god, I can't believe I'm telling you this. anyways, I've always been horribly ashamed of it. and trent's 13 - so it's been a while.

so my dentist wanted to treat me for the broken tooth, but since it is holding up okay, and since dental work is, and I can't exaggerate enough to even have it be exaggerating, REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE - like, I could easily buy a car with the amount of money I have to give them to really fix everything - he wanted to make an impact first. so he took care of that tooth that I hate. not only that, he fixed another tooth next to it for free and is bleaching my teeth for free, too. when I saw my smile after the temporary was in place (the crown will be purchased when my teeth are the color I want) I didn't just cry, I sobbed. and he teared up. it was that dramatic.

I don't have much to smile about these days, but I am trying really hard to smile as wide as I feel like, not having to worry about covering that tooth up or feeling like a total WT degenerate. I can't tell you how liberating it feels and how much more confidence it gives me.

anyways, that was how I spent 3.5 hours of my life yesterday.

and now, I will be going to new york for work until late thursday, so I will see you all again friday. have a great week.

potstickers and falafel

I went out after work to see nicole and mark and lil baby no-no downtown.

sidenote: I am trying to put stuff on my ipod and I really really hate itunes. you can't put it on my ipod because I'm not allowed? I just put in a fucking CD! isn't that what you WANT me to do, only download shit that I OWN?? mother fucker!

anyways. it was great to see them all. noah was so animated and fun. he's so smart - so much retention. he started saying my name constantly - pateece - without being prompted at all. and he has signs for everything, he doesn't just talk. it's amazing. he's so sweet.

nicole and I went out for just a little while (she was afraid noah wasn't feeling well) to johnny brenda's for dinner. I had a little falafel sandwich and some fried (!) potstickers. nicole had a grilled vegetable sandwich that burnt the roof of her mouth. I also, as per usual, had a shirley temple to drink. ah, the hard stuff. it was really good, all of it.

we talked about some of the stuff that's going on with me. I wish I didn't let people down so often. I could tell that she was disappointed in me (sorry nicole) and that felt awful.

anyways, we'll all get through this. and yes, at some point I will be less vague with everyone.

much love to the blogosphere...

it's my birthday.

hi. I'm 32.

stop me oh ho ho stop me, stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

(stealing the title from ellis's mom, the magic that is katie...her fault, though, that I've had that song stuck in my head since last week.) (particlar song lyric stuck in my head: nothing's changed, I still love you, oh I still love you. only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love. painful.)

anyway. remember when I had that flat tire? and that other flat tire?

so it's like 6 o'clock and I'm running 40 thousand errands. as a birthday present, brett is going to put down my new linoleum in my kitchen, only I don't actually have it yet, so I have to go get it plus some patchy stuff for the damage to the existing stuff. plus, I have a birthday party for jarrett's son ethan next saturday followed immediately by a baby shower. and kkkathy sent me a birthday card and her birthday is 5 days after mine and usually that means you have to reciprocate. plus, next sunday is father's day. so I have 2 kids stuff to buy for, massive amounts of cards, and linoleum. usual list, you know. because I want the stuff I buy for the kiddies to be as unique as any clothing mass produced and sold in chains of stores that span not only the country, but across europe as well, I have to buy the clothing I am planning to purchase at H&M. which means a drive down the northeast extension of the turnpike, because it's the easiest and quickest way to plymouth meeting.

sidenote: so I'm talking last night to rebecca and she's all "you watch big love? there's compounds near here." and I'm all "no way!" and she's all "yeah, near the grand canyon." and screw the polygamists for a second (ba dum bum) but it must be so cool to throw out a casual 'oh yeah, it's near the grand canyon. second giant rock formation that is usually pictured on postcards about the west on the left.' and I was just amazed. but then again, I live about 40 mins away from the liberty bell and never go to it. philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, and there's all kinds of old shit around here, and while I think I do a fairly good job of being grateful for it by trying to soak alot of it in, sometimes I have to remind myself that saying that I have to go to a place called 'plymouth meeting' and having it actually be where settlers hung out and stuff, that's kind of kick ass. much like living near the grand canyon.

anyways. so I'm on my way to plymouth meeting on the turnpike. keane is on the cd player and I am singing my heart out. then I hear this weird thumping noise and wonder, as I always do, if I have a flat. because of my shitty luck with flat tires (not just with Ole Pete, with all of the cars I've ever had) I am hypersensitive to the idea that I could have one. I check all the time. so I pull over, ready to feel stupid. and...not so much. the right front tire? it is pancaked.

fuck. so I call the house FOUR TIMES and no one answers (where's sean? upstairs giving bella a bath. and I unplugged the upstairs phone. my fault. but where's trent? sitting exactly one room away from the phone downstairs. except he's playing playstation so he doesn't care to answer the phone at all. which means he's no longer playing playstation this weekend or perhaps ever.) and then I call AAA. and thank god for it, you know? because the area I'm pulled over onto is a very small shoulder. I'm barely past the side rumble strips. there's an embankment at a startling angle on the side, so I can't pull over any further - and the entire embankment is filled with poison ivy. I am so allergic to that stuff that I think I can get it just by picturing myself standing in proximity to it yet not touching it. and there's no better place to pull up to, and I'm right around a nice bend so no one can see I'm there.

so I call AAA, and they have to transport me to the turnpike authority since they have to be the ones to dispatch someone. dude, I already pay a fucking toll. how much more money do you want from us all? (and btw, they are thinking of allowing exits to be sponsored, like arenas are.) so I wait the 5 or 8 mins it takes to be transferred to the turnpike authority, as a cop rolls up behind me. a state cop. I don't want to hang up because I've been holding a long time and don't want to hold longer, so I've got the cell to my ear as he strolls over to the passenger side (through the poison ivy) and asks why I've stopped. dude, why so accusing? what is up with that? what does he think I'm doing?? anyways, I point to the front of the car and tell him I have a flat and he asks if I'm calling someone to fix it. um...yeah. I say lightheartedly that it's a bad spot to have one, he agrees. then I tell the guy who's finally on the line from the turnpike that I have a flat, and he says he'll dispatch someone and it'll take a half hour to 45 mins. I tell the cop and he says "okay, good luck!" and leaves. well thank you, sir, because we just established that I'm in a dangerous area to be pulled over and I will be here for the next half hour to 45 mins.

I passed the time by returning some phone calls. 45 mins come and go. it's 7:30, and the AAA guy finally shows up. he says that the paperwork for AAA actually takes longer than changing the tire. oh, silly man, how I envy your naiive ways. after trying to jam his jack under my car a few times, he realizes he has to use mine because the car sits too low to the ground. so there's the trying to find where the jack is, the trying to actually get the jack to work, the infinity amount of time it takes to actually jack up the car with so little leverage, the infinity infinity amount of time it takes to try to free the spare tire from under the car (yeah, it's under the car) and then actually put it on. I'd say it was 1/12th the amount of time it took to do the AAA paperwork. sorry, buddy. anyways, as he runs into snag after snag, the amount of money I'm planning to give as tip grows and grows. it got to $30 before I realized it and then off I went. it was now 8ish.

so I got no linoleum (I'll pick it up in the morning) but I did manage to get all the gifts and all 5k cards I needed. (from trent to sean, from bella to sean, from me to sean, from trent to brett, from me to brett, from me to my dad, from bella to my dad, from trent to my dad, from me to kkkathy, from all of us to ethan, from me to kristen.) and at 9:30, as I got lost taking the back roads home (since I can't go over 45 mph with the donut tire) I realized...maybe I ought to have eaten dinner.

and here it is, almost 1am, and I'm wide awake.

so how are you?

noga

I had my first yoga class last night, not having gone since I was pregnant. of course, I had high hopes, because the yoga studio I went to before was really nice and very professional. just so you know where this post is going, that was what we call "foreshadowing."

these classes were being offered through the local high school adult studies whatever thingies, and were being held in the basement of a church that is within walking distance from me. and the cost is $10 a class. sounds pretty good so far.

so I get there, and as I had been told by a baseball mother who was the one to clue me into the whole thing, the instructor is a very new agey lady. what she didn't mention is that she is about 4 thousand years old. I got there 3 mins early, which apparently is late. the room was as full as a bingo hall at 5pm on a tuesday. I took a spot in the front row all the way to the side. it was BYOM (bring your own mat) and I didn't know that, so I improvised with a thick blanket we use for soccer and baseball games. I carry that and a folding chair at all times in my car.

so the deal is that she puts on music and we all sit on our mats and she turns off the lights and you do all the moves with your eyes closed. okay, right there, I should have realized that this might not be the yoga I am used to. no having her show you how to do the moves? she doesn't come and correct your form?

so the music is less ethereal and more...how you say...muzak-y. in fact, I think it's a slow version of tin man by america, done on the vibraphone. she's telling us to get on our backs and relax. relax your toes. relax the top knuckle of your toes. relax the top of your toes. relax the joint that attaches your toes to your foot. relax the ball of your foot. relax the spot where you always get a callous on your foot. relax your callous. relax your bunions. and so on.

we finally get to the head/face (relax your cheeks. relax your lower cheeks. relax your top lip. relax your tongue.) and then we do some stretching. which consists of holding your arms up in the air and slowly raising them above your head, all while seated.

this goes on for another 20 minutes. then we do one cat pose...just the one...and then finally we are on our feet.

she does tell us we can open our eyes just to make sure we get the next pose right. and if you can't handle any of these poses (like lying prone on the floor) just imagine yourself doing them! so we go into warrior pose. really, really slowly. I open my eyes to look around...warrior pose has you with your legs a good distance apart, your back foot planted perpendicular to you while your front foot faces forward, and you raise your arms to shoulder level and lean forward so you kind of look like you're surfing on your yoga mat. or blanket, as the case may be. anyways, I look around, and I am the only person doing that. everyone else has their arms up meekly, feet shoulder width apart, feet akimbo, looking like they cannot wait until we are done with this stupid pose and are back to raising one leg in the air, and then putting it back down, and switching.

and that concludes the standing poses. for real. immediately after that, we touch our toes, and then sit back down. then lay down. and for another 15-20 mins, we float on a cloud.

not that there's anything wrong with meditating. I probably could use it. but my back gets so sore lying on the floor like that. my tailbone aches. (who is the old fogey now??) so I couldn't wait to get up.

the end was a little difficult for me. the yoga teacher told us to look inside ourselves at the light we have within us. to know that we are perfect in every way, despite any of our flaws or troubles. that we can keep the light within us shining no matter what. and that we are all good people with good things to share. that is the antithesis of what I've been feeling lately and having someone tell me that I could possibly be good inside, when all I feel is like I am a horrible person, was too much. luckily, the rest of the old ladies still had their eyes closed and I'm sure none of them can see in dim light anyways.

brought to you by bella

hi!

where doggie? where'd doggie go? heyo. heyo doggie. googiiiiirl. googiiiiiirl.

'mere! 'mere, mommy! oushied! oushied! where shoes? where shoes go? here it is! 'mon, mommy. 'mon, shoes. go oushied?

snack! snack? cackers? mokey moke. where jush? where cuppa jush? I donlike it. I donlike dat. mo mo cackers?

babies, where are you? here it is! okay, sit, baby. tinkle, tinkle yi yi stah, oh I wan eh eh are. upabuba wor so hi...double you esh, teeyou vee...

mommy! seepy. go night night?

hi.

I...well I wish I could say things are going so well that I don't have time to post. but unfortunately, that isn't entirely true. nobody is sick or hurt or anything, it's just grownup stupid bullshit.

bella is doing excellent. she's been singing her abc's in an endless loop. in fact, the other day, she was walking in a circle around one of our chairs, singing abc's, for 10 minutes. she was stuck here: eminemoh pee, koo r esh, tee you vee, double you esh, eh ah no mah -- eminemoh pee, koo r esh...

she's such a joy to have around and I thank the gods for her every day. if things happen for a reason, which I think they do, I was meant to be this little girl's mother and she was meant to be born to sean and I and just meant to be, period. I love her and trent so much sometimes I can't even stand it.

I managed to get her on video this weekend coloring and naming the colors. she's having some trouble with blue and red, but she's got yellow down pat (of course) and green and pink are her next favorites. I should have kept the tape running because she then proceeded to read a picture board book and name every single thing in it, including boy and girl and orange and apple (which are confusing) - and we'd only read that book maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 2 months. she's an impressive little girl.

we also went to the nearby playground where she totally tested boundaries by trying to go down the slides I specifically told her she couldn't go down because they had puddles at the bottoms. and then she insisted on walking by herself, in the street. I carried her tantrum-ing body back to home where she wanted to play with the neighbor's pit bull. so that part wasn't so fun.

I don't know how many of you are left after my sporadic posting, but know that blogging is still an important part of my life. I just don't feel like I can share as much as I'd like right now.

and how are you?