the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...

enough beating around the bush. it's hard to keep it a secret - maybe almost as hard as it is to say it out loud. sean and I are separating.

he didn't want me blogging about it at first because it's private. but though I love everyone who reads and comments, this blog is about me. it's cathartic. it's where I vent. so he agreed and here I am.

I've done many awful things in my life. things that I regret. hurting sean is probably one of the things I regret the most. if I could have forseen how things would turn out I would never have let this happen. the truth is that I am not in love with him and haven't been for a very long time. and because of the lack of affection - affection I couldn't give him - he's no longer in love with me either.

it's hard to look at the people who love us and tell them that I've failed. all the people who stood around in that crazy room at the FOP building at broad and spring garden who sat and watched while I held sean's hand and trent's hand and promised to spend my life being married to sean - I am letting all of them down. the woman who presided over the ceremony, a lovely lesbian named donnamarie, even instructed the guests to be there to help us stay together. and even if those people complied - there's nothing that can be done.

a marriage can have alot of components - mutual respect, friendship, consideration, love, affection - but if one of those is lacking, it just doesn't work. it's so much easier to explain to people when the thing that's lacking is respect, or consideration. when it's something so intangible as "being in love", it's much harder to explain.

as we go through the painful process of figuring out whose stuff is whose, waiting for the end of july when sean moves out of our house, I hope this blog will be my outlet. I need one, that's for sure. maybe you'll choose not to read - maybe you're upset that I am not upholding my commitment. or you may think that sean is the best thing to ever happen to me and that I'm crazy. I will understand if that's how you feel. I am taking a stab at this whole "do what you have to do" thing and hope that when I come out on the other side, there are still people there waiting to see me.

sean, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wish I could have been a better wife to you and I wish that I could have spared you all of this to begin with. I hope you take solace in the fact that we created a beautiful child and that you helped shape the young man that trent is today. I hope that when this is over, we can continue to rely on each other as much as possible. most of all, I hope that someday, you'll find someone who will love you the same way you've loved me. because I had never felt so safe and secure and I always knew I was loved. that's what I want for you - and I don't know when I'll forgive myself for not being that person. I hope you realize that all the LYSM that I spoke were from the heart and that I didn't try to deceive you. as I realized what was going on, I tried to let you know. but the truth hurts sometimes and that is the worst thing of all. I just hope that you can forgive me.

15 validations:

Rev. Joseph G. Steadman said...

I pray humbly that your venting doesn't involve 'kids'? If so please for their sake don't vent in front of them.

God Bless,

The Rev.


Jen said...

Oh Patrice, I am so sorry for you both. I know you are doing the best thing forthe both of you but it is always sad to see the end of such a relationship. I am definitely here as your friend and am available if you ever need a friend to "vent" to. I am sure everything iis going to be just fine.

rob said...

Well...I still heart you.

Molto sorry's to you both. If you ever need a random kind or awesome word, you know where to find me.



~A~ said...

My (((HUGS))) and prayers for you too.

Feel free to email me anytime about anything and nothing.

xoxo ~A~

Katiemagic said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm crying for you and Sean both right now. It's brave of you to be able to face the reality of the situation even though it's probably a lot harder than continuing to pretend everything is OK.

Vent all you need to, we're here.


Katy said...

I for one am not going anywhere. You are one of my best friends and no matter what, I got your back.

NME said...

You're always stuck with me. Like it or not.

Glad you can finally start talking and blogging about it. I think that will be a big relief to you.

the beige one said...

I'll still be around as well, and offer my support in any way that it's needed...

M.Thom said...

First of all, who is "The Rev?" Is he for real?

Secondly, sorry that things aren't going so well in your world. We are all here to be your vent-ees. I hope things start looking up soon.

thelyamhound said...

I've looked for the right words, but I cannot seem to find them. I'm sorry to hear all of this, but I have faith that you're doing the right thing, because I have faith that anything you commit to do is going to be the right thing.

Please feel free to vent to me, lean on me, take whatever you should need from me.

Kelly said...

You are obviously well-loved, but I wanted to let you know if there is anything I can do from here, I would be happy to help. If all I can do is listen, I can do that, too.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

My heart breaks for you and Sean. Bella and Trent as well. Know that I am here to hear - not judge. If any of your blogger friends were perfect, well then I doubt we would be blogging huh.

Can I also ask you to cut yourself some slack - quit worring so much about what others will think - you have enough stress in your life already. You should be concerned about your children, Sean and yourself everybody else can take care of themselves.

Stine said...

Oh Patrice, I too am very sorry you are both hurting right now. You are such a strong woman. I commend you for taking care of yourself and making the hard decisions in life to do so.

You have my email as well, and ANY time you need, please contact me for whatever.

As for the reverend, whatever. Kids of hearty. As a child of divorced parents, I know very well that children are strong, and come through things very well. You vent when you need to.

My thoughts are with you all.

Steph said...

Oh Patrice... I am so sorry. What a hard thing, even though it's a necessary thing.

I'll be thinking of and saying a prayer for you, Sean, Bella, and Trent.

Vent away! I hope it helps immeasurably.

amandak said...

Hey Patrice,

I just got back online after a too long spell of internet not working. So sorry to hear that you guys are going through tough times. I know for certain though that you are one tough chicky and you'll come through it intact. Love yourself, love your kids, and of course, stay connected to the people that want to support you, that's us!