the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things...

enough beating around the bush. it's hard to keep it a secret - maybe almost as hard as it is to say it out loud. sean and I are separating.

he didn't want me blogging about it at first because it's private. but though I love everyone who reads and comments, this blog is about me. it's cathartic. it's where I vent. so he agreed and here I am.

I've done many awful things in my life. things that I regret. hurting sean is probably one of the things I regret the most. if I could have forseen how things would turn out I would never have let this happen. the truth is that I am not in love with him and haven't been for a very long time. and because of the lack of affection - affection I couldn't give him - he's no longer in love with me either.

it's hard to look at the people who love us and tell them that I've failed. all the people who stood around in that crazy room at the FOP building at broad and spring garden who sat and watched while I held sean's hand and trent's hand and promised to spend my life being married to sean - I am letting all of them down. the woman who presided over the ceremony, a lovely lesbian named donnamarie, even instructed the guests to be there to help us stay together. and even if those people complied - there's nothing that can be done.

a marriage can have alot of components - mutual respect, friendship, consideration, love, affection - but if one of those is lacking, it just doesn't work. it's so much easier to explain to people when the thing that's lacking is respect, or consideration. when it's something so intangible as "being in love", it's much harder to explain.

as we go through the painful process of figuring out whose stuff is whose, waiting for the end of july when sean moves out of our house, I hope this blog will be my outlet. I need one, that's for sure. maybe you'll choose not to read - maybe you're upset that I am not upholding my commitment. or you may think that sean is the best thing to ever happen to me and that I'm crazy. I will understand if that's how you feel. I am taking a stab at this whole "do what you have to do" thing and hope that when I come out on the other side, there are still people there waiting to see me.

sean, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wish I could have been a better wife to you and I wish that I could have spared you all of this to begin with. I hope you take solace in the fact that we created a beautiful child and that you helped shape the young man that trent is today. I hope that when this is over, we can continue to rely on each other as much as possible. most of all, I hope that someday, you'll find someone who will love you the same way you've loved me. because I had never felt so safe and secure and I always knew I was loved. that's what I want for you - and I don't know when I'll forgive myself for not being that person. I hope you realize that all the LYSM that I spoke were from the heart and that I didn't try to deceive you. as I realized what was going on, I tried to let you know. but the truth hurts sometimes and that is the worst thing of all. I just hope that you can forgive me.