the road ahead looks hard

now that I have said what I have to say, and really accepted it for myself, it's been difficult to continue to share a house with sean. that's not to say that he's been anything less than his normal wonderful self, it's just that once you make a decision like this, it's hard to stare the next step in the face and not be able to move forward and take it. it's like you're preparing to do something awful, and not being able to just get it over with. anyone who knows me well knows I am not a patient person by nature anyway, but this is excruciating. from the moment I leave work until the moment I leave the house in the morning the next day, I feel completely tense. and the guilt hangs over me at home like nothing I've ever imagined. I think I just need to schedule myself to be out of the house as much as possible in the next month.

the next month. it feels like it's going to be forever. I understand why sean wants to stay - it would be exceedingly difficult for him. he's very much a man of routine. he doesn't like change and relishes his comfort zone. he wants to trade our home for his own home, and doesn't want to live anywhere in between. since I'm the one that instigated all of this, I suppose I have to be the one to be as flexible as possible and allow him to transition only once, instead of asking him to stay with someone else until the apartment he chose is ready for him at the end of july.

that's what my rational mind says, and that's what I'm doing. inside, in the part of my brain that is both very emotional and seemingly very selfish, I just want him to go. yes, it's going to be hard for him and I feel bad that he won't be comfortable, but I can't understand why he'd be comfortable in our house. I'm not. I feel like nothing is the same, everything is different, and it's all in limbo. but he can just chill on the couch or sleep in our bed and be just fine with it. I can't. it feels fake and pretend and it hurts. I feel guilty every second that I'm in there and knowing I'm making the situation worse is just, well, worse.

so I'm doing what I can to keep myself sane and not cause more hurt to sean than I need to. it's a really fine line and it's not easy, but I didn't think it would be.

in other news, bella and sean and I had a conversation yesterday. sean and I were at the dinner table talking about doctors, and bella says "doctor?" and I said "yes, we're talking about the doctor." and she looks at us for a minute and says "medicine?" sean and I looked at each other like holy shit, and I said "yes, the doctor gives you medicine but only when you're sick. you're not sick - you're healthy." "helfy?" "yes, bella is healthy." "mommy helfy?" "yes, mommy's healthy. daddy's healthy too." "madgy helfy?" "yes, maggie's healthy." "chair helfy?" "yes, the chair is healthy." boy do I love that kid.

that's all for now. thank you all for being so supportive, it means more than you realize.