stop me oh ho ho stop me, stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

(stealing the title from ellis's mom, the magic that is katie...her fault, though, that I've had that song stuck in my head since last week.) (particlar song lyric stuck in my head: nothing's changed, I still love you, oh I still love you. only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love. painful.)

anyway. remember when I had that flat tire? and that other flat tire?

so it's like 6 o'clock and I'm running 40 thousand errands. as a birthday present, brett is going to put down my new linoleum in my kitchen, only I don't actually have it yet, so I have to go get it plus some patchy stuff for the damage to the existing stuff. plus, I have a birthday party for jarrett's son ethan next saturday followed immediately by a baby shower. and kkkathy sent me a birthday card and her birthday is 5 days after mine and usually that means you have to reciprocate. plus, next sunday is father's day. so I have 2 kids stuff to buy for, massive amounts of cards, and linoleum. usual list, you know. because I want the stuff I buy for the kiddies to be as unique as any clothing mass produced and sold in chains of stores that span not only the country, but across europe as well, I have to buy the clothing I am planning to purchase at H&M. which means a drive down the northeast extension of the turnpike, because it's the easiest and quickest way to plymouth meeting.

sidenote: so I'm talking last night to rebecca and she's all "you watch big love? there's compounds near here." and I'm all "no way!" and she's all "yeah, near the grand canyon." and screw the polygamists for a second (ba dum bum) but it must be so cool to throw out a casual 'oh yeah, it's near the grand canyon. second giant rock formation that is usually pictured on postcards about the west on the left.' and I was just amazed. but then again, I live about 40 mins away from the liberty bell and never go to it. philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, and there's all kinds of old shit around here, and while I think I do a fairly good job of being grateful for it by trying to soak alot of it in, sometimes I have to remind myself that saying that I have to go to a place called 'plymouth meeting' and having it actually be where settlers hung out and stuff, that's kind of kick ass. much like living near the grand canyon.

anyways. so I'm on my way to plymouth meeting on the turnpike. keane is on the cd player and I am singing my heart out. then I hear this weird thumping noise and wonder, as I always do, if I have a flat. because of my shitty luck with flat tires (not just with Ole Pete, with all of the cars I've ever had) I am hypersensitive to the idea that I could have one. I check all the time. so I pull over, ready to feel stupid. and...not so much. the right front tire? it is pancaked.

fuck. so I call the house FOUR TIMES and no one answers (where's sean? upstairs giving bella a bath. and I unplugged the upstairs phone. my fault. but where's trent? sitting exactly one room away from the phone downstairs. except he's playing playstation so he doesn't care to answer the phone at all. which means he's no longer playing playstation this weekend or perhaps ever.) and then I call AAA. and thank god for it, you know? because the area I'm pulled over onto is a very small shoulder. I'm barely past the side rumble strips. there's an embankment at a startling angle on the side, so I can't pull over any further - and the entire embankment is filled with poison ivy. I am so allergic to that stuff that I think I can get it just by picturing myself standing in proximity to it yet not touching it. and there's no better place to pull up to, and I'm right around a nice bend so no one can see I'm there.

so I call AAA, and they have to transport me to the turnpike authority since they have to be the ones to dispatch someone. dude, I already pay a fucking toll. how much more money do you want from us all? (and btw, they are thinking of allowing exits to be sponsored, like arenas are.) so I wait the 5 or 8 mins it takes to be transferred to the turnpike authority, as a cop rolls up behind me. a state cop. I don't want to hang up because I've been holding a long time and don't want to hold longer, so I've got the cell to my ear as he strolls over to the passenger side (through the poison ivy) and asks why I've stopped. dude, why so accusing? what is up with that? what does he think I'm doing?? anyways, I point to the front of the car and tell him I have a flat and he asks if I'm calling someone to fix it. um...yeah. I say lightheartedly that it's a bad spot to have one, he agrees. then I tell the guy who's finally on the line from the turnpike that I have a flat, and he says he'll dispatch someone and it'll take a half hour to 45 mins. I tell the cop and he says "okay, good luck!" and leaves. well thank you, sir, because we just established that I'm in a dangerous area to be pulled over and I will be here for the next half hour to 45 mins.

I passed the time by returning some phone calls. 45 mins come and go. it's 7:30, and the AAA guy finally shows up. he says that the paperwork for AAA actually takes longer than changing the tire. oh, silly man, how I envy your naiive ways. after trying to jam his jack under my car a few times, he realizes he has to use mine because the car sits too low to the ground. so there's the trying to find where the jack is, the trying to actually get the jack to work, the infinity amount of time it takes to actually jack up the car with so little leverage, the infinity infinity amount of time it takes to try to free the spare tire from under the car (yeah, it's under the car) and then actually put it on. I'd say it was 1/12th the amount of time it took to do the AAA paperwork. sorry, buddy. anyways, as he runs into snag after snag, the amount of money I'm planning to give as tip grows and grows. it got to $30 before I realized it and then off I went. it was now 8ish.

so I got no linoleum (I'll pick it up in the morning) but I did manage to get all the gifts and all 5k cards I needed. (from trent to sean, from bella to sean, from me to sean, from trent to brett, from me to brett, from me to my dad, from bella to my dad, from trent to my dad, from me to kkkathy, from all of us to ethan, from me to kristen.) and at 9:30, as I got lost taking the back roads home (since I can't go over 45 mph with the donut tire) I realized...maybe I ought to have eaten dinner.

and here it is, almost 1am, and I'm wide awake.

so how are you?

5 validations:

the beige one said...

I'm fine, but now I have "who said I lied because I never I never, who said I lied because I never!" stuck in my head. This Katie person has a lot to answer for.

Sorry you had to deal with flats.

Jen said...

Damn, you wore me out with that post. Sorry for your crummy luck with tires.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Silly question but why couldn't Mr PoliceMan change the tire for Woman in Need?

At least he didn't tell you to try to have the flat in a safer place next time!

I was taught how to change a tire for myself but there is NO WAY IN H*%% that I will! I do not pay AAA to do it myself!

Wow that was a bunch of cards to buy! Hope the rest of the weekend went better. HAPPY BIRTHDAY my blogger friend.

TD said...


~A~ said...

Dude, that was like reading a parallel universe story to the shit that's been happening here.

I hope that it chills out for you and you get in a nap somewhere.