the "hot" diatribe, or why women don't think like men

double post day. I have been stewing over this for a little while, though, so here it is.

in case I haven't mentioned it before, I work with alot of men. men who think of me as a non-woman. which is fine; they are less guarded, they talk freely, I feel like I'm accepted as one of their own - the jane goodall to their ape-icity. the unfortunate byproduct is knowing who they think is hot. or what parts of who they think are hot parts. and for the most part, I'm okay with that. every once in a while, though, I think about it too much and I start comparing. I guess it's human nature - or at least female nature. and that really gets me nowhere. I sit here worrying about that flat fruit I just ate or the fact that I had french toast sticks for breakfast, when no amount of dieting is going to make my boobs bigger or make me taller or otherwise transform me into someone they consider "smokin hot". and the feminist in me says "I don't want that anyways" but who doesn't like it when they're told they are beautiful? even if it's in a more base way, like "smokin hot".

the thing about it is that it's a complete double standard. I mentioned to one of my coworkers that I thought one of the other men here in a different department had really beautiful eyes. in fact, he is known to have pretty eyes - other women have described him in this way. the dude I was talking to perked up his ears, asking if women here say anything else about men. which men? what do they say? and the unasked question - "do they say anything about ME?? cause I'm pretty hot, if you haven't noticed." and really, they don't. and even when they talk about the one guy's eyes (anyone would say it - he has dark hair, light complexion, and piercing blue eyes) it's in a context of appreciation and not objectification. but the double standard comes in when I was talking about mr. blue eyes to my coworker, he started getting all antsy, wondering what women were saying about him, about other men, whether he stacked up. yeah, how does that feel, anyways?

the real crux of my entry here is, of course, focused on me. because this is my blog. sorry. anyway, I need to figure out what my boundaries are. on one hand, I want people to be as frank with me as possible. I hate thinking that someone's holding back. on the other hand - I try really hard to be as above-it-all as possible but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't give my self esteem a few hits. I think about this more often as the reality of my being single again sets in. the thing I hated about dating was the endless critique I and others gave to my physical being. there are all kinds of beautiful in the world - which, by the way, is something MOST women understand far better than MOST men - but if you don't think there's one kind, the smokin hot kind, that is the apex that women feel they should at least try to meet, then you're kidding yourself.

the interesting part of this is how men and women react to the same kind of critique. men feel comfortable talking about women in this fashion no matter how they themselves feel they look. there is something about the way some men can reconcile within themselves that looking at women is one thing, and doesn't mean that whomever they're with is not, in their own right, beautiful in a way that no other woman on earth can rival. I am so not wired to think that way and I do, in a weird way, admire that quality in men. I could sit here and wonder if it's social conditioning that doesn't allow me to understand that, or if it's hardwired into the X chromosomes. doesn't matter. I know it's being stated in english, yet I can't understand a word of it.

what I'm left with is trying to reconcile all of this within myself. I know I am a pretty kick-ass lady. I have confidence, I can rise above, I have charisma, and I am definitely not ugly. I'm never going to be the girl that makes men stop in their tracks, but there's nothing I can do about that. so when these men around me make these comments, for the most part, I'm okay with it. it's just sometimes...well...us normal girls need some compliments, too. and that makes me kind of ashamed, that I need some sort of outside validation. but...I'm human. right? right??

where has the time gone?

hi. remember me? sorry.

let's start with the weekend. friday night - debacle. I was to go see my friend kristen (who is due tomorrow with her first child) for dinner and then go slightly late to trent's baseball game. while at kristen's house (about 5 miles from where the game was to be held), the skies opened up and all the water left in heaven spilled out. I called brett at 7, game start time, to find out if it was cancelled or what. no answer. we ate dinner and had conversation, I saw their basement mid-remodel and the new nursery. I called about every 15 mins to brett's cell. nothing. the rain came harder. I called sean - confirmed it was raining in lansdale. I figured there was no way that they were playing (the lightning alone) so I stayed a while, calling brett over and over. I left shortly before 9 and finally got brett on the phone. I asked where the hell he'd been. he said "I was coaching a baseball game - DID YOU FORGET??" and I said no, I didn't forget, it is raining like crazy and I figured the game was called. and since I had told trent 3 times that I was coming to the game late, the last time being at 5pm, I figured he knew I was coming and hadn't "forgot". I don't forget my child's gametimes. brett and I argued for a while, him insinuating I had better things to do and that I neglected my son's game, which turned out to be the last game of the season since it was the loss that booted them out of the final tournament. trent was listening, so when I got home, he pretty much said the same exact thing as brett did, crying because he wasn't trying to make me feel bad like brett was - he was feeling like I really did forget him. he stormed to his bedroom and called brett from his cell phone and asked if he could stay at his house because he "really didn't feel like being here". I'm not even going to defend myself anymore. I give up.

saturday. I got trent to a soccer teammate's house so he could go to day 1 of his soccer tournament at fort dix. I kept bella home with me because I figured it would be difficult to wrangle her without brett, who also wasn't going because he had a wedding to attend. bella and I did random stuff and I watched jarhead.

sunday. sean offered to take bella so I could go to the second day of the soccer tournament without worrying about her. we got there around 9:30am and it was freezing. he played 2 games and I got into a minor altercation with an old man from the opposing team. what an asswipe that dude was. I love old men - have a penchant for them - but this guy...this guy, I wanted to pummel. luckily, it didn't come to fisticuffs.

monday. that's yesterday already. sean had bella, I made dinner for friends.

today. I just balanced my checkbook for the first time. yes, I'm 32 years old and I never balanced my checkbook before. it's because I am a wimp. I also paid all the bills that were due before I get paid next. feeling pretty good about that.

in divorce news, sean read over the agreement and had no problems or questions. so we go to sign it and the divorce petition on thursday. the agreement goes into effect immediately, and we wait the 90 days for the divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about it. it's quick - to be sure - but I'm more comfortable with the idea of it. I'm starting to allow myself to feel good again without feeling too guilty. here and there.

today, bella counted to 10 while I took her to daycare. she skipped 5. I still think it's pretty good. she's been talking up a storm lately, surprising everyone with her vocabulary. I'm always saying "where did she learn THAT?" I think it's because me and sean and trent talk so much.

last night, after I picked her up from sean's, I put her in her bed. she climbed up into mine to give me a hug and a "tiss". she asked where daddy was. then she said "sean." as I tried to formulate an answer that wouldn't make me cry, she said "daddy's house. daddy's at home." so I just hugged her and we went to sleep.

so fresh and so clean

taking nicole's advice, I took a half day yesterday and set to work. first - grocery shopping. we were running low on a few things, mainly: everything. including cleaning supplies, so I sort of had to go first. after trent helped me unpack everything, I set to work. there were a few things I didn't get to (like the kitchen floor, scrubbing the tub) but the house looked relatively put together. I felt better about things. my wash is under control and the front room isn't in so much of a shambles. though it fucking reeks of cat in there. I really have to do something about that cat but nothing seems like it's going to work out. I even let her outside in the back yesterday to see if maybe I could make her an outdoor cat (best of both worlds - she can pee outside and I can still have a cat) but she hung out right on the step and ran in when I opened the door. I may try again.

anyways, I then had a dentist appointment (temporary crown on a back molar) and afterwards, my friend kelly had thought she might have a few of us over to her house. unfortunately, work ate up her time and so since jarrett and I both didn't have our kids (yesterday started our new schedule - sean gets all weds and fridays, which is actually only till 9:30 or 10 and not overnight, and then has every other "weekend" starting on saturday afternoon when he gets home from work and extending into monday night) he came over and we had chinese and watched dvr'd tv. so it was good that the house was relatively clean.

going to bed last night was great, though, because I did spend time putting on my new sheets and new comforter. and that was good because I'm having trouble adjusting to sleeping alone in my giant bed. the price you pay.

we review the property settlement agreement this week and sign it and the divorce petition next thursday. that starts our 90 days and so in the weeks between our anniversary and bella's birthday (which is the anniversary of us purchasing our house) we'll be divorced.

I know all there is to know about the crying game

I'm not going to lie. friday was terrible. it was my intention to get out of the house so that I wasn't there as sean moved. I knew he'd be okay because he gets into what he calls "get shit done mode" and there's no time for feelings. plus, it was about 8,000 degrees here and it was too hot to be upset. except for me. my sister was in atlantic city so I didn't have an opportunity to go there, and I didn't want to drive into the city. I really didn't have motivation to do anything, to tell you the truth. so I went back home and just helped where I could and did alot of crying. alot. but it was cathartic. nicole said it best when she likened it to a viewing for a funeral. closure, a hard kind of closure that hurts, but closure.

going to sean's new home was a little surreal. here were things that I was used to seeing in my house, all over. plus, this apartment is exactly the same as the apartment he had for about 9 months before we moved in together. it almost feels the time in between never happened. I spent time there last night since sean's brother billy was in from where he's living now in south carolina (he is now out of the air force) and had the kids, and they wanted some time alone with just the two of them and many beers, so I watched billy's kids and bella at sean's. (sean has central air, lucky.) I'm glad things are going well for him, he seems happy. my house is in shambles, with pieces of furniture gone and alot to clean up. and my yard - forget about it. but it's so hot and I've been so busy, I don't know when I'll get to clean it all up. and that has me in sort of a funk, because I had worked hard to keep everything clean and now it's not anymore. I don't feel on top of it any longer and I hope that doesn't propel me into a downward slide.

day by day.

looooong day

it's friday.

I realize I have no room to talk because this is all happening because of me. I know I'm making my bed and I have to lie in it. I know that acting like I'm the one hurt here is stupid because I'm the one doing the hurting. yet I can't stop crying today and feeling like I just want someone to tell me things are going to be okay. (not that I'm asking you to do that. you realize what I mean.)

brett was nice enough to call me a few minutes ago to tell me that he thinks us putting trent in premier soccer, which costs over $1000 for the year, was a mistake. he hasn't had one game yet. brett knows this from going to 4 practices. last night he tried to talk to me about it but I had just had a breakdown so I asked if we could talk about it another time. like, when my husband isn't in the process of moving out. so he was a darling and waited - till today. then he said we should take him out because he doesn't pay $1000 to have him touch the ball twice in practice. a) he hasn't paid for ANYTHING yet - I am waiting for him to tell me how much baseball was so I can deduct it from the $500 I've already shelled out; 2) how about he HAS A GAME first before we determine he never plays? and III) dude. today? really?

it all feels like a bad dream. I called trent and he said verbatim what brett said, which means that he's just going with what his dad says. fine. I can't fight this battle. I called brett back (after he hung up on me saying "just go deal with your stupid divorce") and said fine, I give, just let me know if I get any money back.

time ticks by so slowly and time can do so much.

endings and beginnings

sean moves on friday. I know I've mentioned it like 4 thousand times but friday is the day after tomorrow. his stuff is all piled in the front room of the house. while I am loathe to say that I'm thrilled he is moving out (it's more of a resignation of a situation, not something to be happy about) I will say that I'll be happy when that big pile of stuff is out of the front room. for one, that room was already a cat haven, and now with all the distractions, I think kitchen is just peeing anywhere she pleases. and it's just hard to walk into a house I've been trying to keep clean for 2 weeks just to see mass chaos. but the day after tomorrow, all of that will be gone and then I'll deal with it.

last night, sean came over and packed. I came home with bella and made dinner for all of us. we all went out for chocolate milkshakes at dairy queen (and how ridiculous - we'd been going to friendly's for our milkshakes, sometimes 4 times a week when I was pregnant, and dq's milkshakes are like 1/4 of the price. duh.) and bella attempted to play in their playland. it wasn't much of a playland and some family let their 2 very large children play there unsupervised and they railroaded right over poor bella, so we had to leave. when we got back, I set up bella's crib to be a toddler bed, next to my bed. she loved it. she hopped right in, asked for a blanket (she loves blankets) and said "night night". when it was time to go to bed, I put her in her bed, she covered herself with her blanket, drank her bottle, and went right to sleep. it seemed too easy.

she fell out of that bed 4 times last night. the first 3 times, she was so tired that she went right back to bed. but the 4th time, she was pretty upset and wouldn't go back into the bed. I have to find a rail for it, but I don't even know if they make rails for toddler beds. I have to check. anyways, I hope that falling out won't deter her from wanting to sleep in her own bed. I plan to get her used to her bed in my room, and then transition her to her room. I know, I can't believe it either. I do realize that having her in my bed is way more for my comfort than it is for her, and I don't want her to get used to it and then be her problem as well as mine. so I'm trying to let go a little. we'll see how long it lasts.

tonight, it's bella and I all by ourselves. I pick her up from daycare and we'll go home and have dinner and then maybe go for a walk. if it's not too soupy out. the weather here sucks lately. hot, wet, muggy, humid, and any other synonym for crappy july weather you can think up. I love all of you dearly, but it makes me chuckle when one of you has central air problems and you have to open windows and sweat to death...that's my life every night. unless I want to hang out in my bedroom, which has no TV or room for movement of any kind.

anyway, the clock ticks closer to the end. I'm trying not to be too emotional about it because it's driving me crazy. it's all I can do not to get in my car and drive far away. I'm not even talking in hyperbole, I really have to tell myself that I have to go wherever it is that I'm driving to. I'm nervous because I'm the kind of person who deals fairly well with stressful situations (fairly well, I said) until they are over, and then I break down. so we'll see how saturday shapes up.

hope you're all having wonderfully busy and productive and happy lives.

the hell?

head: spinning
hormones: raging
uterus: leaking
house: emptying

the weekend began with a half day on friday. I met with a lawyer to figure out the legal aspects of where we're going. I have to remind myself here that this is my blog and this is my life and the decisions I'm making are mine - not that I don't value your opinions, because I do - but unfortunately I'm the only one besides sean who really understands what's going on here and so I have to be the one who decides whether I'm doing the right thing. I will make myself crazy if I try to justify more than I already am and try to live up to everyone's expectations. okay, did that sound exceedingly bitchy?

well, I may as well put it out there - I have had an anonymous commenter who seems to know me and is making sure I know that he or she is not pleased with my actions. so hi, anonymous, and fuck you very much for sharing your opinions.

anyway. I met with a lawyer and our agreement is being drawn up that discusses what happens with the house and outlines that we will be administering our own custody and support rules. and our divorce proceeding will begin our mandatory 90 day waiting period where we decide if this is what we really want. at the end of the 90 days, if we are in agreement, we can get officially divorced. I think that's a fair amount of time to make sure.

so after shelling out an inordinate amount of money for the lawyer to get started, I went to jarrett's house to help him move. sean had movie night with bella (and trent) at the house while I helped jarrett pack up what's left of his life with his soon to be ex wife. the differences between my marriage dissolving and his are so stark. he and his wife are constantly at odds with each other, but you can tell that there once was a fire there that probably engulfed the two of them. the bonds of friendship and respect that sean and I have won't soon be broken, and the contrast of intensity between jarrett's situation and mine is amazing. it's been really helpful for me to have a friend going through something similar (even as it's so dissimilar) because it reminds me that other people make mistakes, too.

anyways, after a long night of moving with jarrett and our friends kelly and ben, and having the uhaul truck break down on the road at midnight (and having to wait an hour and a half until we just left the damn thing on the road and went home) it was saturday. after helping brett put his house together for his very first actual soiree since he moved almost a year ago, bellisima and I headed over to my father's side family reunion at my cousin's house in remote green lane, in a marshy and huge estate. I didn't remember that they had a pool and came completely unprepared. no swimmer diapers and no earplugs. of course, bella wanted to get in and almost walked directly into the deep end of the pool. after one diaper got severely full, threatening with explosion, I finally put her in without clothes or diapers. (with the admonishment of "no pooping. hear me? no pooping!!) she had fun for about 10 minutes before trying to weasel her way onto the second step of the pool, which put her at chin level with the water. I wasn't having it and so I grabbed her slippery body by the waist, until she leaned forward and went head first into the pool. I grabbed her immediately and pulled her out and commenced a freakout, all while she laughed and said "do den? do den?" (do again?)

we went on the swingset (made of really old, splintery wood) and the trampoline (which she was mildly afraid of - finally, something that kid is afraid of) before saying goodbye to the unfortunate death trap that is my cousin's house. she fell asleep on the way home for a while, and by the time we got ourselves together, it was dinner time and playtime and then time for bed. sunday, we had a birthday party to attend for my stepbrother's son aidan's 2nd birthday. I was in the shower, having gated bells in as usual. she loves to see what I'm doing in there, so I expect her to open the shower curtain and check it out. this time, though, she decided to try flipping over the edge of the tub. she landed on her head inside the tub at my feet. again, no earplugs, with diaper and a shirt. I took the diaper and the shirt off and let her play in the tub at the other end while I finished up. without earplugs, since I couldn't reach them. so we may have a few ear infections coming up.

after the birthday party (where bella decided to take a walk off the back patio and a good 500' to the next door neighbor's house before I could catch her) we came home and sean met us at the house, ready to take bella to his niece brigid's christening. I went to trent's baseball game (where his coach got thrown out of the game - luckily, not brett) and then home with trent. we had chinese (at his request) and then he played playstation while I cleaned the hell out of our bathroom and our - I guess my - room. then we watched skeleton key and as we went to bed, trent's A/C tripped the circuit and we were plunged into darkness, which was kinda fun after being spooked a little.

and that brings me to today. there's nothing that happened this weekend that was bad, per se. it's just that my life is chaotic from an emotional standpoint. add to that that I began trying to alleviate my womanly crampular issues by going back on the pill, and that I am breakthrough-bleeding, and that it has my mood set to Roller Coaster, and I'm just a mess. for no good reason.

things will get easier and they will get harder. maybe being set to roller coaster is a good thing, it'll get me used to it. I don't know.

shakespeare said that the course of true love never did run smooth. the love I'm looking for is just me, loving my life. I feel like I'm stepping on shards of glass to get there but I will get there. and if I don't, and this was all a giant mistake, I'll be the one accountable and I won't have anyone to blame. which also means that if I am happy, I have myself to thank. I like being the one accountable for my own happiness. my ipod is engraved with siddartha gautama's famous line "be a light unto thyself" which is exactly what I'm trying to do.

anyway. hope you all had a great weekend.

poor me

thank you all for your cat feedback. I'm going to follow up with CC - that's very cool of you. so last night, I did the bills for the first time by myself. it was payday and I was pleased to see how much money I take home in my check. see, I have been so completely hands off with money that I didn't even know how much my check was, when it was payday, nothing. so I was like, damn, nice! it's been several years since I knew what I make so it seemed large.

until I started writing the checks.

holy shit, guys. I have like $4 to my name to last 2 weeks.

dealing with money gives me serious agita and I took some of that out on sean (sorry sean) and I just couldn't wait to be done with that mess. though I have very little cash till next paycheck, I am glad I have 2 weeks to recover from the bills.

I am meeting with a lawyer today to discuss how to move forward legally with our situation. we've decided that it's best to get on the way to divorce and if we decide differently, we can always pull back. this way, nothing is drawn out longer than it has to be and both of us can move on with our lives.

wish us both luck. and again, thank you for listening. (especially you, "anonymous"! so glad you're reading and commenting on old entries.)

together, apart

the fourth of july weekend was good. I feel guilty having any kind of good time but I have to admit that spending time with my friends does make me feel better. sean is actually holding up much better than I am, which is odd under the circumstances. he's packed up alot of his stuff and the house is looking more empty. I'm going to use the opportunity to get rid of things I know I shouldn't hold onto (like that chair in the front room that no one can sit in - it's cool looking, for sure, and it totally matches our retro wallpaper, but it is ripped in so many places that it spills foam every time someone walks past it. I'll take a picture of it and then let it go.) and try to make a few improvements.

one thing I am considering, which sean is all for, is...and I feel guilty even typing it...finding a new home for our cat. I love her very much, but she's taken to using the entire front room as her litter box. we have 4 litter boxes in there and have spent countless hours and hundreds (literally) of dollars trying to break the habit. when she's at my sister's house, she only goes in the litter box. ditto for the vet's office, where she once stayed for a few days when we couldn't get her medicine for her bladder infection (which started it all). she just seems to have a mental block or something. and she pees right NEXT to the litter box. sometimes in it, but often just next to it. so we need new carpet in there (especially since we're planning to move the tv into that room) and I don't want to do that if the cat is just going to pee all over it again. the cat seems like a metaphor for how I feel about what's going on with sean and I. not that sean's peeing in the front room. but I made a committment when I got this cat and I feel like I have to see it through. but we've used cleaners, comfort measures, switched litters, used different litter boxes, bought and tried everything we could. nothing seems to work. I'm not sure what to do. what do you think?

throughout this whole debacle, bella's been just adorable as can be. she's begun talking in sentences, which is so cute. it's great to hear what's on her mind. and I'm getting to know alot more of her likes and dislikes - as in, she says "I don't like this cackers" or "I like this ice keem" or "I don't wanna go sleepy". I'm still trying to break her of the "mine" habit and I think it's finally working. this morning, we found out that we won a raffle at daycare. we got a pretty big mickey mouse doll that talks (which has been sitting in the lobby for a few weeks, and bella says hello to it every morning) and a gift certificate for toys r us. so I gave her the mickey doll today as we went into her classroom and when giovanna tried to see it, she screamed "MINE!" I told her that wasn't nice, and she looked at me, then walked to giovanna, gave her the mickey, and said "you can see it." awww. I told her she is a good girl.

oh, and over this weekend, I did take bella to see her very first movie in the movie theater - cars. not recommended for the toddler set. it is heavy on the dialog. cute, though. bella fell asleep about 3/4 of the way through. she did have popcorn for the first time (though I watched her like a hawk - CHOKING HAZARD, CHOKING HAZARD) and loved it. it was a nice time. before the movie, we had gone to chik fil a and nicole is right about the playland being wonderful. there was only one other little boy in there when we went in. he had braces on his legs but was getting around okay. he was very inquisitive - his name is aaron. he tried to help bella, but she was too little for the part he was playing in, so I said I'd put her in the toddler area. he wanted to come too but needed my help - because he is blind. I had no idea. so I helped him into the toddler area and he and bella had fun together. she did everything he was doing. and I helped him through everything. he kept asking questions about me and bella and what we were doing...he was so cute, with such a sweet face. I kept wondering where his mother was. she finally came in and he went to go eat. I noticed through the window that his family consisted of one caretaker and 4 special needs children. we said goodbye to aaron on our way out and he seemed happy. what a neat little man.

today is payday. my first go-round with the bills. wish me luck.

alone again, naturally

yesterday, I took bella to nicole and mark's to watch fireworks with noah and janette and jules and tracey. it was all planned, of course, but the underlying reasoning for my going was so that I didn't have to be home when sean packed his things and left.

it's amazing how different things can be. mary's moving in with her almost-husband, and the man I pledged a promise to love and cherish forever is moving out of my house. before it sounds too poor-me, I know I asked him to. it's just that the magnitude of the situation sometimes knocks the wind out of me. I know that better things are on the horizon for both of us but it's sometimes so difficult to let go of something that feels comfortable and safe. not to mention the fact that sean is, as I've always said, a good man - smart, funny, caring, just all around wonderful. in fact, he was the first all-around genuinely nice man I'd ever dated. which, I think I mentioned, was my downfall.

the fireworks over the water were nice, the company was nice, the food was good, bella had a great time. I just felt like I was watching myself going through the motions.

I contacted lawyers on friday. we're planning to use one lawyer to just draw up all the papers. we've decided it's not going to behoove either of us to wait. I'll soon make sean a single dad and a divorced man.