the hell?

head: spinning
hormones: raging
uterus: leaking
house: emptying

the weekend began with a half day on friday. I met with a lawyer to figure out the legal aspects of where we're going. I have to remind myself here that this is my blog and this is my life and the decisions I'm making are mine - not that I don't value your opinions, because I do - but unfortunately I'm the only one besides sean who really understands what's going on here and so I have to be the one who decides whether I'm doing the right thing. I will make myself crazy if I try to justify more than I already am and try to live up to everyone's expectations. okay, did that sound exceedingly bitchy?

well, I may as well put it out there - I have had an anonymous commenter who seems to know me and is making sure I know that he or she is not pleased with my actions. so hi, anonymous, and fuck you very much for sharing your opinions.

anyway. I met with a lawyer and our agreement is being drawn up that discusses what happens with the house and outlines that we will be administering our own custody and support rules. and our divorce proceeding will begin our mandatory 90 day waiting period where we decide if this is what we really want. at the end of the 90 days, if we are in agreement, we can get officially divorced. I think that's a fair amount of time to make sure.

so after shelling out an inordinate amount of money for the lawyer to get started, I went to jarrett's house to help him move. sean had movie night with bella (and trent) at the house while I helped jarrett pack up what's left of his life with his soon to be ex wife. the differences between my marriage dissolving and his are so stark. he and his wife are constantly at odds with each other, but you can tell that there once was a fire there that probably engulfed the two of them. the bonds of friendship and respect that sean and I have won't soon be broken, and the contrast of intensity between jarrett's situation and mine is amazing. it's been really helpful for me to have a friend going through something similar (even as it's so dissimilar) because it reminds me that other people make mistakes, too.

anyways, after a long night of moving with jarrett and our friends kelly and ben, and having the uhaul truck break down on the road at midnight (and having to wait an hour and a half until we just left the damn thing on the road and went home) it was saturday. after helping brett put his house together for his very first actual soiree since he moved almost a year ago, bellisima and I headed over to my father's side family reunion at my cousin's house in remote green lane, in a marshy and huge estate. I didn't remember that they had a pool and came completely unprepared. no swimmer diapers and no earplugs. of course, bella wanted to get in and almost walked directly into the deep end of the pool. after one diaper got severely full, threatening with explosion, I finally put her in without clothes or diapers. (with the admonishment of "no pooping. hear me? no pooping!!) she had fun for about 10 minutes before trying to weasel her way onto the second step of the pool, which put her at chin level with the water. I wasn't having it and so I grabbed her slippery body by the waist, until she leaned forward and went head first into the pool. I grabbed her immediately and pulled her out and commenced a freakout, all while she laughed and said "do den? do den?" (do again?)

we went on the swingset (made of really old, splintery wood) and the trampoline (which she was mildly afraid of - finally, something that kid is afraid of) before saying goodbye to the unfortunate death trap that is my cousin's house. she fell asleep on the way home for a while, and by the time we got ourselves together, it was dinner time and playtime and then time for bed. sunday, we had a birthday party to attend for my stepbrother's son aidan's 2nd birthday. I was in the shower, having gated bells in as usual. she loves to see what I'm doing in there, so I expect her to open the shower curtain and check it out. this time, though, she decided to try flipping over the edge of the tub. she landed on her head inside the tub at my feet. again, no earplugs, with diaper and a shirt. I took the diaper and the shirt off and let her play in the tub at the other end while I finished up. without earplugs, since I couldn't reach them. so we may have a few ear infections coming up.

after the birthday party (where bella decided to take a walk off the back patio and a good 500' to the next door neighbor's house before I could catch her) we came home and sean met us at the house, ready to take bella to his niece brigid's christening. I went to trent's baseball game (where his coach got thrown out of the game - luckily, not brett) and then home with trent. we had chinese (at his request) and then he played playstation while I cleaned the hell out of our bathroom and our - I guess my - room. then we watched skeleton key and as we went to bed, trent's A/C tripped the circuit and we were plunged into darkness, which was kinda fun after being spooked a little.

and that brings me to today. there's nothing that happened this weekend that was bad, per se. it's just that my life is chaotic from an emotional standpoint. add to that that I began trying to alleviate my womanly crampular issues by going back on the pill, and that I am breakthrough-bleeding, and that it has my mood set to Roller Coaster, and I'm just a mess. for no good reason.

things will get easier and they will get harder. maybe being set to roller coaster is a good thing, it'll get me used to it. I don't know.

shakespeare said that the course of true love never did run smooth. the love I'm looking for is just me, loving my life. I feel like I'm stepping on shards of glass to get there but I will get there. and if I don't, and this was all a giant mistake, I'll be the one accountable and I won't have anyone to blame. which also means that if I am happy, I have myself to thank. I like being the one accountable for my own happiness. my ipod is engraved with siddartha gautama's famous line "be a light unto thyself" which is exactly what I'm trying to do.

anyway. hope you all had a great weekend.