looooong day

it's friday.

I realize I have no room to talk because this is all happening because of me. I know I'm making my bed and I have to lie in it. I know that acting like I'm the one hurt here is stupid because I'm the one doing the hurting. yet I can't stop crying today and feeling like I just want someone to tell me things are going to be okay. (not that I'm asking you to do that. you realize what I mean.)

brett was nice enough to call me a few minutes ago to tell me that he thinks us putting trent in premier soccer, which costs over $1000 for the year, was a mistake. he hasn't had one game yet. brett knows this from going to 4 practices. last night he tried to talk to me about it but I had just had a breakdown so I asked if we could talk about it another time. like, when my husband isn't in the process of moving out. so he was a darling and waited - till today. then he said we should take him out because he doesn't pay $1000 to have him touch the ball twice in practice. a) he hasn't paid for ANYTHING yet - I am waiting for him to tell me how much baseball was so I can deduct it from the $500 I've already shelled out; 2) how about he HAS A GAME first before we determine he never plays? and III) dude. today? really?

it all feels like a bad dream. I called trent and he said verbatim what brett said, which means that he's just going with what his dad says. fine. I can't fight this battle. I called brett back (after he hung up on me saying "just go deal with your stupid divorce") and said fine, I give, just let me know if I get any money back.

time ticks by so slowly and time can do so much.

11 validations:

amandak said...

Oh sweetie, BIG HUGS for you today.

Just because you got the ball rolling on this thing, doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel pain at the disolusion of your marriage. It's painful, it's going to be painful, that's just part of the deal. Taking a day to just cry is totally allowable.

I know, you don't need advice from me. I just wanted to let you know I'm here. I haven't been commenting much, because I don't want to act like I understand what you're going through, but my heart goes out to you and your family.

NME said...

UGH! Great timing. Very considerate of Brett. And the stupid divorce comment... classy.

You are entitled to your pain and your sense of loss. It will take some time, and more crying, but things are going to be okay.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

You have the right to whatever feelings you want to have. Crap I cried when I read your first blog about this and I don't even know either of you. CRY girl - after your cried out go punch Brett in the nose!

Sending HUGS and STRENGTH your way! Keep your chin up!

KATIEmagic said...

Jesus, the timing with this guy huh?

You're allowed to be sad sweetie, it's a sad time no matter who initated it. I just wish there was something I could do to make it better.

Missuz J said...

No offence meant to you when I say this about the father of your first born, but what an insensitive dill weed!

Baby--whatever you need to feel, feel it.

Long distance hugs from me.

thelyamhound said...

Yeah, that sounds pretty damned insensitive. The comment about your "stupid divorce" just boggles my mind (though my mind is often pre-boggled).
That's the sort of thing that makes me ashamed to be male . . .

lonna said...

What to say? I'm still in shock over Brett's insensitivity. I'm so sorry that you had to hear that. You're going through enough without having anyone else make things worse.

I know that you've already heard it, but of course you're sad. Change is hard, especially when other people are included. This will help you move on in the future, though, and that's what is important. Unfortunately, you have to feel shitty before you get there.

Katy said...

You are entitled to any feelings you may be having because they are your feelings. Who's to say what you should or should not be feeling? Nobody. You feel like you want to cry? Cry. You want to scream? Scream. You want to laugh until your sides hurt? Do it. Sometimes it's the only way we get to listen to ourselves and what our minds need. Just because it was your choice to move forward with the seperation doesn't mean you're not allowed to hurt. Every one makes choices and they're not all easy, and they're not all fun. The point is you have to live with them, part of living with this is saying goodbye, part of saying goodbye is pain. Hugs!!

the beige one said...

honey...honey! Really, listen to me: Everything is going to be fine, truly.

One of the things that has impressed me about all of this, is that you two seem genuine about eventually becoming friends. Even if it doesn't happen, this whole deal could be a hell of a lot more bitter, and it isn't.

Meanwhile, your first ex? First class cheesedick. Just sayin'.

Rebecca said...

Ugh. Just ugh. What a jerk. As my best friend would say, what a poopyhead.

jon said...

I think we’re bashing the wrong person. Sure, Brett is an insensitive cheesedick dillweed, but we’re overlooking the real villain here: Trent. Repeating exactly what daddy says -- what a little picklenosed toolbag! And has he ever heard of a thing called “trying”? Soccer balls don’t kick themselves, ya know. I’ve taken dumps that try harder at soccer practice. And does Trent have to play soccer NOW of all times? What a selfish shellfish! That wafflefooted doodybreath needs to grow up already.