the hills are alive with the sounds of bella

wherein I try to get bella to sing her ABCs.

hi, yeah, I know

sorry.

the project - it is launched! thank god. my life is a whirlwind of worry and overanalyzation. I've been driving myself nuts. and I haven't been back to see Therapist George yet, and he's getting angry with me. I don't blame him. I don't always follow through well.

not much to report thus far, really. like I said, I'm still driving myself nuts and hating myself for being so stupid about things. bella is adorable as always. I took her into work the other day and she charmed everyone. she was wearing all black, her black and pink skull shoes, and her pink tutu skirt. how can you not love that?? she and I are going with jarrett and ethan (our new buddies) to see a movie at the king of prussia imax theater. (didn't I once go on a tangent about how there are places around here that are steeped in revolutionary history and how cool that is when I stop to think about it? was king of prussia the town I was talking about then? it might have been valley forge, I don't remember.) should be fun, I hope, unless she wants to get down and run around like she usually does in movies.

trent....well, I try to remember that trent is 13 and that things can't always be smooth. did I tell you about the phone fiasco? he was grounded for a while for that. (if I didn't, it was that he went to a friend's house and didn't keep his phone on him and therefore I was forced to freak out not being able to get ahold of him for hours on end.)

yesterday, he told me at 10 minutes to 6, and while I was trying to make dinner for bella and get ready to take him to soccer practice at 6:30 (after having just arrived home and not even taken off my coat yet) that oh yeah, tonight is parent's night at his school. yeah, and it's at 7. I have never missed a parent's night until this year. I was so pissed. he knew for a week and just didn't bother mentioning it. today, his only job is to take his 3 teacher recommendation forms he has to get filled out in order for him to be in the junior honor society and give them to 3 teachers that are willing to fill them out. the paperwork has to be in by tuesday so I wanted him to take them today so they have the weekend to fill it out (though he got it early this week). now, I told him that if he doesn't get it done, I'm going to be more mad at him than I've been in a really long time because I was taking the time to tell him how important it was. so...we'll see.

it's been a lot of little things with him. I think most of you with kids might not be able to relate just yet cause yours are little (old mother hubbard and rebecca may get it though) but it's just so frustrating to...

wait

I'm going to sound just like my mother, I think. fuck.

well, I'll say it anyways. it's frustrating to say the same thing over and over to trent and have him just not listen. I get where he's coming from, because to him, these things are stupid, but to me, it's like - dude, I know you think it's dumb, but just do me a favor and TAKE NOTICE IF THE THINGIE IN THE SINK IS BLOCKING THE DRAIN AND IT'S FILLING UP WITH DIRTY WATER WHEN YOU'RE "RINSING" YOUR DISHES. not hard. he said "I thought it would just go down eventually." well, no, when you pour out your chocolate ice cream and a half can of orange soda into my white porcelain sink and it doesn't go anywhere for 30 seconds, it's not going to anytime soon. and by the way? I didn't find it till THE NEXT DAY. it's just little stuff like that. it's especially annoying now that I'm running that house by myself. it's not a big house, but with a shedding cat and drooling dog and a toddler and a man-child, it's tough to keep up. so when I find a white sink filled with a brownish orange goo in it and then rinse it out and see that it's stained and now I have to bleach it, in addition to making dinner and trying to make things seem like they're fine, just fine....it's aggravating.

anyway.

I hope you all have a great weekend...

slow down, you move too fast

(definitely NOT feeling groovy.)

and ps, my favorite line from that song is "I've got no deeds to do, no promise to keep." those moments in my life are rare, and when I stop and think about it when that does happen, I really do feel groovy.

work is kicking my everlovin ASSSSSSSS. I have a big project that goes live next friday. major major. and it's down to the wire and I've procrastinated on some things and some things are just going wrong and there's alot of work. hence...blogging. ah, some things never change. it's like sunday night with a term paper due 2nd period on monday.

anyway, I've set myself up for audioblogger so that I can record bella cuteness. I hope to be able to do it tonight sometime. hopefully, she'll cooperate.

regarding the potty training...my only concern is they way they talk about it in the brochure and the extreme importance they place on it. it's like a constant. the brochure says something to the effect of "diaper changing is disruptive and inhibits learning by interrupting the flow of information" blah blah. like 5 different ways, it says this. and potty stuff is everywhere. they have a giant chart where they say who is potty trained (smiley face, stars) and who isn't (blank). there's stories about potty training, going potty every hour or so...talk about disruptive. god forbid they learn anything BESIDES how great it is to go on the potty.

and the kicker is that they cannot move on to the 3 year old room until they are trained. so there's an endgame there. a finite deadline. it just feels like total pressure, and I'm not even the one being potty trained. she's gone from just having a potty laying around in our bathroom to being on that potty 5 times a day, being confronted with others going potty, reading about it, learning about it, watching others go...it's been a little overwhelming. well, for me, anyway.

anyways.

trent and brett are off to san francisco tomorrow morning. every year, brett and a big group of his buddies go see an eagles game in a different state. last year was denver, and they've been to chicago, new york, and carolina. maybe a few others. anyway, this is trent's first year going and his first trip to california, or anywhere on the west coast. he misses school tomorrow and monday. he's excited, and I'm excited for him.

in other news, I have a wedding to attend on saturday and not one stitch of clothing suitable for it. I do have a fall-ish dress, but sean (who is my date) is wearing grey and black and I want to match because I am a weirdo. I have no money to spend but I will try to find a dress anyway. I hate money.

that is all.

potty time, excellent

so bella is now in the two's room at daycare. she's the littlest peanut in there, but since they are getting more kids in the toddler room, and since she has the skills down that are required for a move up (namely, able to sit at a table and eat, can drink from a regular cup, can use a fork and spoon to feed herself well, and I don't know if there's others) she's moved up. on her first day, which was the same day as trent's first day of school, and so all of this might be moot because I said it already (oh well, whatev)...anyways, on that first day, they sent home a paper and a brochure about moving to the two's room. we never got a paper or a brochure about moving up into any room. the brochure is from the company itself (as it is a chain). both the paper and the brochure are devoted almost singularly to the notion that KIDS GET POTTY TRAINED IN THE TWO'S ROOM. no ifs, ands, or butts.

they've always had a strict schedule for diaper changes. kids get their diapers changed whether they need it or not in regular intervals. I think it's somewhere around every 2 hours. they write on a daily chart if their diaper was wet or if they had a bowel movement (the illustrious "BM") and what time they changed the diaper. only in the two's room, it's required - REQUIRED - that the kids sit on the potty at every diaper change. they have to try. their goal, the brochure says, is that the kids will be potty trained during their year in the two's room. so by the time they're 3. hey, it's not like it's hella early, but still. really? my 23 month old is sitting on the potty 4 times a day now. I just feel like potty training is a personal thing. like maybe I don't want her to feel pressured, you know? I mean, it's great that they take that initiative. but what if I didn't want her potty trained now? would I have to drop that daycare or what??

I can't remember what age trent was potty trained. I think it was after his 3rd birthday. jarrett's son is in the middle of potty training and he turned 3 in june. I guess I just feel like potty training isn't something you say starts at this particular age and lasts until this particular age - it's something you say starts when the kid is ready and ends when the kid no longer pees her pants. you know? I mean I guess I should feel lucky that they are helping, but I really hate being on some arbitrary time line.

bella is cute. trent is sweet.

I have had a hard time figuring out how to start blogging again. I figure I'll go with my kids because that's easy.

bella is cute. she's very interested in being polite, saying please and thank you and you're welcome often. the other day, she set her water cup on the table and said to the cup, "you're welcome!" she's not been sleeping too well, though, unfortunately. we're managing.

trent was challenging this weekend. friday was a bad day. he asked to go to a friend's house after school and I said yes on the condition that he have his phone in his pocket. for a frantic hour, I couldn't get ahold of him. I didn't know where the friend lived and trent wasn't answering his phone. brett finally picked him up (as he knew where the friend lived) and now trent is grounded. his excuse? I forgot.

that's all.

it's a brand new day

and yet I feel much the same.

you all are so good to me. I know that I write this drivel because I need to, but to have all of you care what's going on, that's so meaningful to me. thank you.

yeah, it's not much better today. I'm handling it better, but it's not much better today. I did have my first meeting with a new therapist. I'm actually planning to see her husband, but the woman did the intake because she's a doctor and he isn't. she was great, though, and if he's anything like her, I'll be fine talking to him. I need to work out this shit, seriously. I'm not in 8th grade anymore. I'm not dating jamie davis. I don't need to worry about all the other women on the planet. I don't have to walk around and be looking at everyone and everything and scrutinizing it all as if it all has something to do with me personally.

I do, however, have to suppress this urge to just get the fuck out of here. I am planning some retail therapy tonight which is probably not ideal in terms of finances. but ideal in terms of at least bringing me somewhere close to feeling better about myself physically so maybe I can deal with the other shit instead. I don't know.

but when I say get the fuck out of here, I mean get in the car, drive far away, and not return for quite some time. it's childish really, I know. it's the only way I know how to distance myself from a problem and come up with a solution. that, or get some sort of body alteration or like color my hair or do something to reclaim my life as my own.

now I'm just rambling.

let's talk about bella. she's so adorable. last night, she was in her PJs, just hanging out, watching dora and boos coos and playing with an empty water bottle and a cup of milk. it was a little messy but she was having so much fun. the other day, she was on the phone with sean and he said he'd take her to the taydown, and she said, "promise?" where does the kid learn this stuff??

trent started 8th grade yesterday. that means next year, he's a freshman. in high school. I remember when first days of school were traumatic, and he needed the encouragement of mom. he denied being nervous this year, instead running to the bathroom and saying that the night before, he thought he was going to throw up. but he insists it's because he's sick, not because he's nervous.

I see so much of myself in him. and so much of brett. I hope he is doing okay, because he won't really open up to me too much to tell me about school other than who is in his class, when he has lunch, and whether he can open his locker. I hated middle school and high school was a little traumatic for me as well and I desperately want him to have a better experience than I had. but he won't tell me if he's happy or if he feels pressure or what.

he's going to be 14 and in 9th grade next year, the same age and grade I was in when I was forceably deflowered by the aforementioned jamie davis. the same age that I was when I really started worrying about how I fared next to other girls because of his incessant comparisons and jokes about how I never could and never would measure up to all the girls he COULD be dating. I never want trent to feel like he's not as good as the other kids in school and the fact that he might feel this way already terrifies me.

dude. I can't even go on about this. I need a fucking vacation, I think.

one of those days. again.

oh, you've heard it before. sometimes I get tired of saying it.

you know those days? where you feel like everything you're doing is just a little off? I'm misinterpreting everything, my intuition feels off, I know in my rational mind what's going on but not in my emotional mind. I'm overthinking.

some people meditate. the idea is to clear your mind of everything and focus on one thing, be it a sound like "om" or what light might look like if it were somehow stuck in your belly. or, more commonly, I think, is focusing on exactly what part of your body you'd get plastic surgery on if you actually had the money and didn't feel like such a shallow bitch. any of that is impossible for me. I simply cannot turn off my thoughts. I never have been able to. in many ways, it's an asset - I think it's what makes me good at my job and good at parenting. but it is so exhausting to worry about every possible scenario and every possible thought pattern behind each little word or look...so fucking exhausting.

I like being a girl for the most part. I like that there are certain double standards I can get away with, and that I have a much more generous wardrobe selection than most men. I like that I can decide to get a manicure if I wanted (which, no) but still learn to change my oil (which, someday). just the wide range of options available to me, you know? but what I hate, what I really hate, is the competition. the endless comparisons. I am as guilty as the next lady. and I know there are men out there that say that it's just as bad for them...I have to say that's total bullpucky, and I'm sorry if that sounds sweeping. I know there are men out there with bulemia and viagra wouldn't be as popular if men weren't worried about their dicks. but still. I think really, it's nothing compared to women.

so. to sum it all up, I'm feeling not up to par, like my thoughts are just multiplying and making things worse, and that I'm just off all the way around. I hate days like this. I had a few of these last week, too. what is up with this?? it can't be hormones - I'm back on the pill and that shit's supposed to regulate, right? RIGHT?

at any rate. here I sit. wondering if I should just suck it up, or what.