need calgon

hi. I know. I have a good excuse. it's my new job.

I changed careers when I took this new job and I knew that part wouldn't be easy, but I really had NO idea what I was in for. I used to be an internet marketing manager for a business credit card company, and what I mostly did was run an affiliate marketing program for them and help with search engine marketing and media buying. internally, I kept up on all the products that our area supported, like making sure all the tracking codes were updated and putting new applications live and stuff like that. I kept our area running smoothly internally and did internet marketing. and it was not challenging. I had a good handle on most of my job from the first few months, and I worked there first as a contractor and then as a real employee for over 2 years. I wanted to be a project manager but they wouldn't hire me into that position where I was.

so when I saw a headhunter looking for project managers, I gave him my resume not even thinking I'd get an email response. not only did he respond, but he set up a phone interview. and at the end of that, I got a real interview. and a few days later, I got a job offer to start in exactly 2 weeks. it all happened so fast. it was a pay raise and a job title that I had wanted since I was laid off from cdnow in 2001 and hadn't had since then. so I was excited.

people. I have never had a job experience like this in my life. and I've been around the block several dozen times. I'm 32, I started working full time when I was 20, it's not like I was never challenged before. this goes beyond any comprehension. I don't just cry at work due to being completely overwhelmed, I sob. I share a "pod" with a girl who happens to live near me and we work on alot of things together, and she and I both feel like the weight of the world is crushing us. the workload is insane. I go to work early about 2 - 3 times a week and stay late as often as I'm able. I have worked every weekend save for a few in the beginning before I had any projects of my own to manage. I haven't gone out to lunch since I started, and there were 2 days this week where I was so busy that I FORGOT to eat lunch. I am scheduled in meetings usually pretty steadily from 10 to 4, including over what should be lunchtime. I miss deadlines, I still don't do about 25% of my job (I just ignore it and hope no one notices) and I always feel like I'm forgetting something.

I haven't slept right, I haven't eaten well, I have been smoking like a chimney. (that is, when I find time to smoke at work, which is maybe twice a week, but that's alot for me.) this job consumes my dreams, it is on my mind from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I've woken up in a panic in the middle of the night after work dreams and have gone into panic modes while driving when I suddenly remember what I forgot.

I don't read email. I don't read blog posts. I watch tv sporadically. I haven't been happy for weeks now.

people keep telling me to find something else, but by the time I get home during the week and make dinner and sit down, it's usually around 8pm, and I go to bed around 9, 9:30 so I can wake up early to get to work early (plus, my commute is double what it used to be.) I don't have time or inclination to work on my resume. it sounds dumb but it's true...and I am paralyzed with fear at possibly going to work somewhere else and it being even worse. plus, part of me wants to conquer this beast - though I don't know what shape I'd be in afterwards.

so. it's been a while since I posted and that's why. I have cried every day this week. I have been thisclose to walking off the job 3 times this week. I have said I hated my job every day that I've had it so far.

I know, it seems dumb to keep going on, but there are brief glimpses of feeling very accomplished, and I really want to be a project manager.

anyway, in bella news, she's cute. real cute. my camera's been acting up but I have pictures. she wears ponytails and it's adorable. here's a snippet of conversation from this week:

me: what's your favorite color?
bella: red, blue, lellow, poupow...
me: poupow?
bella: no, POUPOW.
me: poupow?
bella: no, mommy, POUPOW.
me: purple?
bella: yes.

she's also taken to calling things awesome. this is a testament to the power of daycare. though I don't care if others use it, I never use the word awesome and neither does trent. sean throws one in occasionally but for the most part, it's not a word you hear in our houses. but she says it all the time, and I'm guessing it's because the girls who run her daycare room say it. it's cute...sort of. though I guess it's nice to hear "mommy! you makin broccoli! THAT'S AWESOME!"

someday I will post more about her because I really ought to. brett hadn't seen her since before christmas and we got together last weekend and he said that she probably knows about 10k more words than the last time he saw her, and that she was talking like crazy. I know her vocab is exploding but it's different to hear it from someone who doesn't see her every day.

I just shaved trent's head yesterday. he had hair to his shoulders - longer than mine - and it was all dyed blond. he decided to ask sean to bring over his clippers and in about 15 mins he went from long blond to buzzed brown. I think he looks older. and, as I told nicole and some of our friends, HE NEEDS TO SHAVE. yes, he's got a noticeable, albeit fairly fine (though dark) moustache. he's gotten taller and if it's possible, his voice is even lower now.

I love seeing him interact with bella. he's easily her favorite plaything and I think favorite person. she loves trentle. and he really loves her too. he's been indoctrinated into babysitting by changing his first poopy diaper alone while I was food shopping. this opens doors for all of us - for him, he'll start making money babysitting; for me, I have a babysitter that's not my stepmother; and for bella, it's more time with her favorite person.

he'll have even more time to babysit now that he's grounded for getting in trouble last week, getting a report written up in the office, getting detention, and NOT TELLING ME. he was hoping I'd never find out but alas, they send home a copy of the report. I give him credit for being honest, though - he told me he didn't tell me when he got it because the long weekend (they had off on friday and have off tomorrow) was coming up and he didn't want to be grounded. I was like, did you really just say that? but his plan worked, because I couldn't be mad at him for being honest.

anyway. I hope to write more often but I really don't know.

oh, ps, skiing. I did FANTASTIC. I didn't fall through my whole lesson and afterwards, I went on about 10 runs. the next day, I was out on the slopes with jarrett and his dad going on greens and blues. I fell once legitimately, due to a really ugly blue run that was icy and scary, and once while just standing there, which was dumb. but I think I kept up pretty well and I had a fucking blast. I can't wait to go again. and you guys said I'd never be able to do it. ha!