happy bellaween!

thanks, everyone, for the kind words.

today, baby bella is 2. she was the impetus for this blog in the first place - her, and the juxtaposition of her and trent.

today, she's dressed as eddie, minus the gloves and mask that came with the skeleton costume. so she's just running around in a nylon bodysuit screenprinted on the front with skeleton bones. she looks like a little kid angel with her curly blond hair and chubby cheeks, only dressed as a skeleton.

the one thing I can say with certainty is that I don't regret having put sean through everything I put him through because I can see that he LOVES being a dad. just loves it. I hope that he feels the same - and I'm fairly certain that he does. (not regret it because of bella, I mean.)

today, we're going trick or treating on the other side of the tracks (away from our neighborhood) where legend has it that the folks give out full sized candy bars. then we're going home to have tastykakes and sing happy birthday, for the 3rd time. (she's already had a birthday party on saturday with my family and sunday with sean's.)

when you ask bella how old she is today, she says "two!" and holds up 3 fingers proudly. she's a lil baby sweetness, that girl.

Dear World,

I have something to tell you. I have been afraid to tell you because I'm afraid of what you might think of me. but it's been a long 3 months and it's been difficult to pretend nothing is going on.

I am seeing someone. it is difficult for me to say that for 2 reasons. one, I don't want you to think I left my husband for someone, because that's just not what happened. two, I feel like it's something that should either be happy or sad, but not happy AND sad, which it kind of is. sad because my marriage is ending. happy because I'm seeing someone I enjoy spending time with.

it's all very complicated, but I can't go on pretending that I'm not dating. because that has its inherent ups and downs, and this is supposed to be a place to air things out and get some perspective.

I'm very nervous about how you perceive me. because I know that this isn't the most ideal situation...ideally, I would have waited until my divorce was final, and then another arbitrary amount of time for decorum's sake. but sometimes things just don't work out that way.

I know that it seems like I rush things. and I know no one will take me serious if I say that this is something that is serious. so I don't tell you for fear that you'll judge me. and it hurts to know that you think I don't know what I'm doing or that I did something wrong.

I know you only want the best for me and that you want me to be happy. I guess I can't always live up to your expectations and that both makes me sad and a little angry. because on one hand, I don't want to disappoint you. and on the other hand, I feel like this is my life and my choices shouldn't be held up to anyone's standards. unless I'm like committing a crime or something. which I don't think I am.

all I want is for you to just accept my life for what it is and to let me live it the best way I know how, and to be there to listen and even though the choices aren't what you'd make, that you can allow me to make them anyway without judgement. I know that's a very big request and that not everyone can accommodate that. but I think that's what friends are for, aren't they? I like to think I'd do the same for you, should the tables be turned.

so now it's out in the open. I guess I can't stop you from being upset with me or thinking I'm doing the wrong thing. but at the very least, I'm being truthful about my life, like it or not.

I'm sorry.

and I couldn't help but cry

today, in conversation, I called sean my ex husband for the first time.

down a few pegs

so for the last few weeks, I've been feeling pretty good about myself. I've been steadily decreasing in pants size, which is pretty huge for me. granted, most of that is stress, but however it happened, it happened. so I've been feeling pretty hot-mama lately. and then...

so I'm in the pharmacy yesterday. it was right after work, and I was dressed nicely with my black dress coat on. I was looking at ponytail holders and a woman who works at the pharmacy comes up to me and asks if I need help finding anything. I say no. she then says, "oh, so you're expecting?"

flashes through my mind:

• expecting what, to win the lottery?
• expecting to KICK YOUR ASS
• why, yes, yes I am.
• how do you even get the nerve up to ask something like that?
• FUCK. YOU.

what I actually say:

• no

then she says, "oh, sorry." and I say, because I am a big fat wuss, "oh, that's okay!"

dude. DUDE. how do you even say that to someone? and?? HOW FAT AM I, REALLY??

edited to add: I was nowhere near anything that is remotely pregnancy related, and she looked me up and down before asking. also...montreal is this weekend.

car wars

got the estimate for the car today. $3,000.

that is all.

oh, except for I'm skipping town next weekend. I have no money and no car to drive, but I am leaving. the country. driving to montreal. fuck everything.

go away, then, damn you

go on and do as you please.

deep breath.

as I may have stated before, it is always my first inclination to run when things get too overwhelming. not far, just far enough so that I feel like I'm away from the tentacles of the problem at hand. not long, just long enough so that I feel like I'm not drowning. nothing crazy, just crazy enough to feel accomplished. it's necessary for me to feel like I've done something on my own, to prove to myself that I can. it also gives me good perspective on the things that drove me out to begin with. and, I get as close to relaxing as I possibly can get when I'm away and alone.

we found out recently that our car is leased. I'm not paying a car payment, I'm paying a lease payment. and the lease expires in march. I drive alot. I enjoy driving. when I can't get away to someplace far enough, I drive. and drive. and drive. it clears my head and helps me to calm down. my lease allows for 12k miles a year. I've had the car since march 2003. I have 59k miles currently. that's 17k+ miles over my allotment. the rate for overage is $.15/mile. if I were to stop driving today, I'd owe over $2500 just to get out of the lease...only for mileage. that would entail me finding rides to everywhere for the next 5 months. I have front end damage from that fender bender I had a few weeks ago and the car is just not holding up well, so I'd either have to go through the expense of fixing everything or be assessed wear and tear on the car and pay that amount as well as the overage.

the other option is to buy the car for $8k in march. that would mean a new loan, new rate, possible increase in car payment. the car's blue book value as of today, with no additional miles, is $7300.

sometimes it's just the idea of getting away that helps me to cope. that I could move a few things around and have the kids watched and go somewhere. now, there's no one to pick up the slack with babysitting, there's no money to spend on this, and to top it off, I can't in good conscience drive my car to the local 7-11 let alone to montreal. this makes me feel trapped and panicked. and resentful. and sad. and closed off.

one by one, I've watched people and opportunities fall out of my life. I feel like I have very little outlets anymore. and now one less.

in other news, vastly more important news, bella peed on the potty for the first time. at daycare. bittersweet, both for the deed to be done at daycare and for it to be done at all. my baby is growing up. but I am proud of her and excited for her. it was more a right-place-right-time kind of thing, but she was still very happy for herself. but I think going to the 3-d movies (the imax movie was 3-d, though we didn't know it when we bought the tickets) trumps all still. when I asked her about peeing on the potty, she said "yeah! and I go to the move-it!" (she calls movies move-its, getting it confused with her favorite movie, which she calls move-it because of the theme song...the movie is madagascar.)

and in trent news, vastly more important than me going wherever, he has been invited to apply to be in the national junior honor society. he had to write a short essay, get 3 recommendations from teachers, and fill out a form. he has to hand it in today. of course, he waited till the last minute to ask the teachers for the recommendations so it all hinges on whether or not they remembered to bring them in today...but I hope they did, because (after a long lecture) he really did put alot of himself in the application and I hope he at least gets to hand it in, if not make the society itself.

and thus ends my pathetic pity party.