bracing for the red tide

yesterday, I was so incensed by something stupid that happened at work that I was about to burst into my boss' boss' office to scream about inequity and storm out after I resigned. and instead, when jarrett came over to ask me if I wanted to hit up the vending machine, my focus instantly changed to bursting into a candy bar and storming a bag of chips. I hate when the fucking cliches are true. nothing irritates me more than someone saying that I seem irrational so my period must be coming - nothing except someone saying that and it being fucking true.

it really seems lately like I have one good week out of the month. or cycle, if you will. it used to be that the week before and week of my period were bad, but now it's 2 weeks before and the week of. which leaves the week after as the only week where nothing is bloated, no one is going to be killed, and everything isn't completely falling to shit (and why don't we just pack a few things up and move and start over since there's no hope here.) it's getting ridiculous.

there's the mental stuff, and there's the physical stuff. I'm off all forms of caffeine and chocolate and dairy and fried goodness. I always wondered if I could hack it being a diabetic because I hate restricting myself, but pain and the idea of something causing a severe physical reaction makes that alot easier. not that I'm as bad as a diabetic - hell no. what I'm saying is that normally I couldn't stop myself from drinking a soda or eating some chocolate, but when I know it's going to make me double over in pain and chain me to the bathroom, it's much much easier to pass it up. as I mentioned before, my gynecologist says the pain is from endometriosis that is growing outside my colon and intestines (diagnosed with his magical psychic powers, negating the necessity for an actual internal exam or any tests whatsoever). and as I may have mentioned, he also said that chocolate and caffeine have nothing to do with that, and shouldn't have any effect on my, ahem, bowels. poppycock!

when sean had food poisoning, or "dehydration" as they like to call it (saves time and lawyer's fees!), the clinic thoughtfully gave him flyers on how to treat nausea and how to treat diarrhea. the diarrhea one says specifically that he should not eat things that stimulate the bowel, such as CHOCOLATE AND CAFFEINE.

so. because I have to be my own pathologic health sleuth, I have these pieces of evidence: my IBS is much worse and pronounced after ovulation and during my period. things that make the condition worse are typical things that stimulate the bowel. the symptoms subsided by at least 80% when I was pregnant and nursing heavily, or in other words, when I didn't get my period. so the triggers are more IBS related and the timeline is hormonal. add to the physical stuff the fact that I seem to have some level of depression which gets worse around my period, but never really goes away. these aren't crazy symptoms and not at all unique, so how is it that it's been years and no one has been able to suggest anything to me besides getting pregnant again or eating more bran?

I think the solution is clear. I need to get a sex change.

13 validations:

Rebecca said...

oh man, poor patrice. do you read the reign of ellen? she had a post about pooping and the c-word lately that might make you smile. http://thereignofellen.blogspot.com

you know, for quite a while now i've been fighting some sort of (usually) mild depression that seems to come and go in recurring fits. i've never thought before to keep track of whether it coincides with my period at all... maybe i should. hmmmm.

yay for girl talk.

Jen said...

I think I have mentioned this before, and you may have had some reason why it wouldn't work, but I don't remember so I will post it again. What about getting Depo Provera shots? They effectively trick your body into thinking it is pregnant, so you generally get no periods. I haven't had one in years, and that is fine with me. It is really simple, you just get a shot every three months, and that is it. Of course it isn't for everyone, but in my experience it is fantastic.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Sex change hmmmmmmm. Poor Bella with her two dads! Hysterectomy worked wonders for me - drastic but not as drastic as the mental anguish for Trent! I know that the DP shots worked wonders for my friend

Allison said...

Only bad thing about depo is it does cause weight gain in many people, so that's something to think about (though I don't know if it's anymore than the pill). I do know that I never used to have much PMS or cramps and since I've had 2 children the cramps AND the PMS are so much worse now. I'm still nursing my son (21 months), but my period came back when he turned 1. I want to KILL EVERYONE the week before and during ovulation. Ovulation is so bad now (never was before) that I think I am having my period again... Hope you feel better soon!!!!

lonna said...

Now that Bella's taking cow's milk, maybe you could go back on the pill. If your supply goes down, she may nurse anyway or she may choose to wean on her own. Either way it shouldn't be traumatic for her. I know that I miss being on the pill.

The funny thing was that I never had emotional pms before I went on the pill, and I don't really have it now (although that might be the zoloft), but when I was on the pill my only pms was emotional. Strange. I hope that you can get things figured out so that you feel better.

Stine said...

It's always amazing to me how much doctors don't know. It also fascinates me how much other body processes can be related to hormonal shifts and changes. I've noticed that big time as I get into my mid to later 30's.

Now we just have to think of some pms treats that won't irritate the IBS. I'm sure you know this, but IBS is stress related as well, so maybe there are dietary and supplementary things you can do to combat the stress/depression.

Missuz J said...

So would you change your name to Patrick?

No advice, well, just one. Go see a female OBGYN. They are just--well BETTER! Guy ones think they know more about your cooter than you, and that's just fucked up.

Other than that, I'm so sad for you. 1 good week out of the month is not enough. I'm saying a prayer for you, in my fashion, today.

NME said...

I HATE when someone makes an offhand PMS joke and then you realize they're right.

One good week is pretty damn sucky. You should definitely get that addressed. I second the Missuz on the chick doctor. Plus any doctor that diagnoses a very specific internal problem with no internal exam and no tests SUCKS.

TD said...

My mom dealt with similar problems that became increasingly worse over the years. She recently had a hysterectomy, and while it didn't completely eradicate the problem (she still has her ovaries), it improved her quality of life dramatically.

You're probably a little young to have organs removed, but I agree with others about seeing another doctor, preferably one who shares your anatomy, at least once. Your doctor, gender aside, sounds a little sketchy.

Hope you find a solution that brings R-E-L-I-E-F soon.

the beige one said...

It amazes me how little scientific research has gone into matters menstrual...guys are stupid sometimes...

RE: Sex Change; how does Sean feel about this?

KATIEmagic said...

That SUCKS. I hate it when I realize I've been feeling like ass all because of hormones. Some days a sex change seems like just the thing.

rob said...

Jen's on to something with the Depo. I was going to mention that as well, with this caviat: Depo Provera accelerates osteoperosis. Not very good on the bones but it may mitigate the menstrual angst.

I once made the mistake during an argument (with the ex-wife) of pointing out that her irrational behavior might be due to the fact that she was "falling to the Communists".

Note: I made that mistake once.

Now, I keep a mental schedule of menstrual cycles and keep my mouth fucking shut.

Carol said...

See - Menopause isn't so bad - I'm embracing it!! A hysterectomy is so severe! Have you heard anything about that new pill they advertise in TV where you only get your period twice a year?