frustrated.

earlier this week, I had an appointment with my gynecologist. I had been doing fairly well with my IBS while I was pregnant and for a few months after bella was born. when I got my period, the IBS started up again with a vengence. it was then that I decided to really recognize the tie between my period and my worst episodes, and made a doctor's appointment.

so I go in, and the doctor diagnoses me right away with endometriosis. without looking at me or anything. it was plausible, because years ago, when I had a great gyno at planned parenthood, she mentioned that it might be the cause. so I went with it, really because I was eager to have some sort of name for what was going on. it sort of felt validating, much as it felt validating when they finally came out with the name "irritable bowel syndrome" instead of just "not being able to get off the can-itis". the endometrial tissue, he said, was probably either in a fine sheen on my colon, or entwined in the folds of my colon. therefore, inoperable. (an operation??) the best course of action is to get pregnant again. IS TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. he must have said it like 6 times. I kept assuring him that no, I would not be getting pregnant again, can we move on? so the only other option, apparently, is to be on birth control. preferably something that doesn't have to go through the liver (ie, oral pills) to get to the eggs. so in went the nuva-ring. like, immediately. without my having a chance to even think about it.

incongruous paragraph, because I'm now remembering what he said: you know what the "cure" is for this, according to him? the problem is my period, apparently, so the solution is to not have a period. which was why he was so strong on the pregnancy thing. instead, he wants me to wear this nuva ring continuously instead of taking it out each month to get my period. he wants me to not have a period for about 6 months so that I won't have symptoms. wouldn't a better course of action be TO MAKE SURE THIS WAS THE PROBLEM and then TO TREAT THE PROBLEM AND NOT THE SYMPTOMS??

I said I had concerns about my milk supply. he said I was established enough so that it wouldn't matter. I said I was concerned about why I'm only finding out about this endometriosis thing now, and why no other doctor asked me about it even though I brought up my symptoms, while he was able to diagnose me immediately. he said it was because he's very well versed and very up to date on his endo knowledge. and then he told me not to read anything about it on the internet because there's alot of bad knowledge out there.

so I went home with the ring in, feeling sort of weird, and wondering if I made the right decision. the decision being to just allow it all to happen.

I immediately started clotting. (I already had my period.) cramping. bad enough that I went home early from work the next day. milk supply seemed okay. today, my period abruptly stopped, yet I still feel crampy. and I just returned from the lacation room having pumped 2 ounces of milk. I usually pump 6.

add to this that I was sitting there reading a publication (ie, a collection of practially mimeographed pages stapled together) from the local nursing mothers coalition, telling me that even if I smoke, I should still breastfeed, and mentioning that formula fed babies are stupider and sicker. I knew it was pure propaganda, but still.

I'm fed up. I hate my doctors, my pediatricians, and basically everyone who tells me stuff that is one sided and biased. why is it I can't seem to find a doctor who takes me seriously and isn't encased in some sort of bubble? why are breast feeding organizations so fucking all or nothing?

fuck this noise. the ring is coming out. I may have to have the toilet seat surgically removed from my ass, but damn it, the ring is coming out!!!!

ps, I was going to link to all kinds of helpful websites about ibs and endo and nuva ring and noise fucking but I am too frustrated to do any of that.