7.21.2005

sometimes I feel I've got to bomp bomp run away

theresa has me thinking.

a couple times a year, I tend to fly the coop. I would classify myself as a pretty social person, but I really value my alone time. I love to go to movies alone, I love to vacation alone, I love to just sit in silence for hours doing nothing but thinking.

sean is very understanding about this and always gives me the space I need. before bella was born, - actually the week before she was conceived, I think, or shortly afterwards - I was looking for cruises or cheap airfare to a warm city, since it was cold, and sean didn't bat an eyelash to either the fact that I was getting away and he wasn't, and that I was spending alot of money doing so. we wound up agreeing that I'd drive up to montreal instead, which was wonderful. but sometimes it's just a day trip to jim thorpe or philly or the shore or centralia.

once, on a day trip to jim thorpe, I came back with a better frame of mind and a tattoo. montreal saw me come back with a renewed spirit and some excellent pictures. I just need the time away to be myself, beholden to no one for a while, with no one asking me anything or needing me. not that I'm always put upon at home, but I look at it like sort of an ashtray, for lack of a better analogy. you can take the butts out of an ashtray and even dump it out, but every once in a while you have to send it through the dishwasher so the last little bits of ash get cleaned out and it's like new again.

this is similar to what theresa talks about as pondering - to me, anyway. I like to get my life in order while I'm gone. think about what we need to do to move ourselves forward. this is how I got myself ready to buy a house, to get married - to have bella. and it's a time to take personal stock in myself.

enough. you get the idea.

the problem is, now that I am, as I stated to theresa, tethered, I can't really get away. and I know if I did, I would feel quite guilty, and I'd have two giant engorged reminders that I was, for all intents and purposes, shirking some of my duties.

I dream of going to a tropical island, and spending whole days on the beach reading, alone. making a cocoon for myself so I can emerge as something new.

5 validations:

amandak said...

I SO relate to this post today. Except I want to go somewhere cooler than here. My husband also has always been understanding of my need to get away sometimes. And, I remember the difficulty of being chained via the chest to the littlest loves. Take heart, it doesn't last forever. However, I know that doesn't exactly help to hear that.

Missuz J said...

Would your husbands please talk to my husband who freaks out if I even go down the street without him?

Jaws said...

You might laugh but my alone time is 2am visits to Walmart.

I can understand what your saying though. In my first marraige I had one child and we .. me and her we would go to the beach for three days. I didn't go alone because I would miss her but I needed to get away still.

I wish there was a easy answere for ou but I would say take off for 2 days first. See how it goes. Kids will be with Sean. Baby steps. Still need to take care of your head aswell as everyone else.

NME said...

If it would really do you wonders you could always take one day away. 24 hours. Rent a motel room for a night. You know it can be done because you were in Vegas for a couple of days.

I don't really like to be alone much. It's so... lonely.

patrice said...

unfortunately, I had months of prep for that vegas thing and I don't have enough milk in the freezer for a trip. even a short trip.