you know it's a crazy weekend when your husband looks at you and says, "well, at least you can blog about this."

saturday. sean has his 8 hours of comp time for working on memorial day, which is usually stupid because even if you get comp time, it's not on a holiday, so who fucking cares. but this time, it actually came in handy, as sean's dad bill had invited us to his house in jersey for a belated birthday/gloucester county day celebration. (we usually go to bill's house on memorial day weekend for bill's birthday, which is I think may 25.) anyway, so sean got home at 10:45am (because he works 12 hour days on saturday and sunday, 8 hours is only 2/3 of a day off) and we packed up and drove the hour and 15 mins or so to bill's.

bill lives with his girlfriend loretta, and I guess they'd be common law husband and wife if she weren't still married to her first husband. I am pretty sure I'm not supposed to say that so don't be surprised if this is edited next time you read it. loretta has 2 daughters of her own - kerry, who lives with her boyfriend brian bucher (he is always called brian bucher, never just brian) just outside of west palm beach florida, and jen, who has a son close to trent's age and nearly-5 year old twins. bill is also one of the most gregarious, loud, slightly insane (I say that with love) men I have ever met. his relationship with loretta is, how you say, interesting. it is not volatile at all, and they're both fairly good natured about it, but I really think that loretta thinks that bill is the biggest nitwit on earth.

on the way there, I told sean that I was crampy and cranky and tired. and he said, "well, you're headed to the wrong place, then." and I knew that to totally be true.

there were many things about the day that made it both hysterical and very trying, but here's a snapshot of one of the more funny parts of the day:

bill asks if sean wants to go to the beer store with him. sean is a big beer fan and loves microbrews, and bill's nickname for sean has been Beer for a long time. sean asks if I want to go, I say sure, we leave bella with loretta, and I drive, since parking is at a premium as gloucester county day is less than a block away at the park near their house and everyone is parking in their development. and I was in the driveway, so there was no way that someone would steal my spot.

as we head out to the car, bill has strapped on his latest gadget. and bill has lots of gadgets. it's his new iPod. (and that's the last time I'm capitalizing that dumb P.) he's even got a leather ipod holster. he's donned his fake-oakley sunglasses, and...and this was just classic...his headphones. only they aren't the headphones that come with the ipod. they are 80s walkman headphones. so he's got his sunglasses, his headphones, and his ipod, wearing his eagles t shirt and a pair of shorts, socks jersey style, and sneakers. and he's singing to the music only he can hear.

so he's in the car, singing, giving me directions to the beer store. (and it's jersey, so it's "not this one. the one down here. on the right. not on the left. next to the other one.") we get there, and he busts in singing. kerry, who was up with brian bucher visiting, had requested that we get this mango cocktail mix. I was prepared to look around a bit, and if I didn't find it, I'd ask the owner, but bill decided to just ask straight away. "HEY, YOU GOT SOME KINDA MANGO THING? LIKE DRINK STUFF. MANGO. YOU GOT ANY? WHERE'S IT AT?" as he is still wearing the ipod and listening to his do-wop ("hey sean, you can just type in do-wop and it lists all your do-wop, or you can just say chicago and shit and all the chicago and shit comes right on your screen!") at top volume, so he's SPEAKING EXTRA LOUD.

I quickly told sean to just call kerry on his cell and ask her what kind of mix it is, as "mango drink stuff" doesn't exactly help. she tells sean it's a rose's mix, and sean relays this to me, and bill hears him. "IT'S ROSE. YOU GOT ROSE DRINK MIX HERE? MANGO? WE NEED MANGO. YOU GOT THAT? WHERE'S IT AT? ...hey, if you feel like givin' me a lifetime of deeevoooootionnnnnn..."

so bill's milling around in one aisle screaming about the mango mix, and how he needs some beer for his son, and sean and I are locating the actual mix we've been asked to get. they don't have mango. bill: "YOU DON'T GOT MANGO? WHAT KIND DO YOU GOT? AW, SHIT, SEAN, THEY DON'T GOT MANGO. THEY WANT THEIR FUCKIN MANGO. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MANGO SHIT, ANYWAY? CALL EM BACK. TELL EM THERE'S NO MANGO." all the while, singing random parts of songs. ".....yeah!.....baa babbabaaa......ocean.......da daaadadda.....STOP! and thank you baby!" sean's having trouble keeping a signal, so I call the house from my cell, but I go outside - a) to get a signal, and b) to stop myself from peeing myself from laughing. they say that watermelon and cranberry would be fine. I go back in, bill's getting the beer now. I remind them we need ice, and bill, who's already loud and tends to get louder when he's excited, says "MAN, THANK GOD WE GOT PATRICE, THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON WE WERE COMING HERE IS TO GET ICE! SHIT, THE ICE! MAN, THE ICE!" sean uttered the "at least you can blog about it" line as we were getting the ice out of the ice bin. then, after we get the whole payment thing down ("NAH, I AIN'T PAYIN FOR BRIAN BUCHER'S MANGO WATERMELON SHIT, AND THIS GREY GOOSE? PUT THAT SHIT ON A SEPARATE BILL.") we start to head out of the store. as a way of either explaining himself, or just to show it off, bill pulls up his shirt to reveal the ipod strapped to the elastic on his shorts. "GOT MY IPOD, SEE?." the store owner says "yeah, I see that." bill says "IT'S GLOUCESTER COUNTY DAY." and heads out without waiting for a response. the store owner and I make eye contact as I leave, and he gives me an eyebrow raise. I just lower my eyes and follow bill out the door.

as if this story needs more, the following happened on the way home: bill is a retired philadelphia cop, and recently retired also from the septa police force, where he was a dispatcher. he's officially retired from all stuff now. anyway, he likes to screw with cops. he thinks having been a cop gives him this right.

so he's in the backseat of my car, all the windows down, still listening to his ipod. we're at a red light close to the site of gloucester county day, and cops are directing traffic. bill decides to scream out the windows "HELP! THEY'RE KIDNAPPING ME! HELP! OFFICER, OFFICER, PLEASE HELLLLLP!!"

ah, bill. never a dull moment.

7 validations:

Kat said...

Oh my God...that is hilarious! I so want me a Bill like that. I can't imagine coming home from a visit without my face hurting from laughing and smiling.

Such a wonderful weekend where the silliness is enough to make you escape the reality.

M.Thom said...

I could have been writing my paper...but instead I was reading your blog and laughing my ass off. Thank you.

And NOW I will write my paper.

Rebecca said...

That's too funny! Sounds like you had a blast... and if you didn't at least you got a hilarious story out of the day! Thanks for the laugh!

Jaws said...

LOL MANGO! GAH! NO MANGO! DO they make Mango Cheesecake? NO!?

LOL Funny stuff. Did he have one of those Iridescent Oakley Jackets on too you can buy down on the boardwalk?

I dated a guy from Pitman... aah Gloucster.

Missuz J said...

I loved reading this! Thanks for the much needed laugh!

NME said...

The headphones kill me. I can't believe he swapped out the signature white cord earbuds for ancient headphones.

seansylvania said...

Hilarious to experience, but even more so to relive through Patrice's description. Bravo! I think I was laughing harder thinking back on it than living it. Anyone who wonders why I am how I am can just meet my dad for all of the answers! Gotta love him.