4.13.2005

all the good people hate shrimp


so I have food issues. most of my friends know this. I don't believe in cheesecake because cheese does not belong in cake. neither do carrots. and zucchini doesn't belong in bread. I don't like my food to touch on the plate and I eat one thing at a time. I think cow's milk is for calfs only. if I eat yogurt, I can't look at the part of the container that says "active culture". [sidenote: I am eating yogurt for breakfast this morning. I couldn't remember the exact phrase on the yogurt container that I was thinking of, because I try not to look at the container, but in order to get it right I looked at the container. and now I cannot finish my yogurt.] I can't eat chicken if it has bones. for the most part, I only like hotdogs in retrospect out of a sense of nostalgia. basically, I can't think too much about food at all or I can't seem to eat it. unless it's cookies or candy, because I can't find anything wrong with them whatsoever.

the one group of food that I really cannot seem to understand even more than cheesecake is seafood. the fishy type fish, like salmon, I can't stomach because I can't seem to eat something that is in the same basic shape as it was when it was alive. fish are small enough that you can tell exactly what it looked like when it was swimming around. and the eyes bug me out, even if they aren't on the fish when it's served. I picture them on the fish and I can't do it. and that's not even talking about the black/brown parts you often find in fish. what the hell is that, anyways.

and then there are shellfish. shellfish are the most insane foodstuffs that I can think of, besides creepy areas where they eat dogs and stuff. they are pointy and hard and freaky. oysters - what kind of darwinian throwback is that?? what would you do if you saw a lobster crawling on you in the middle of the night, throw on a bib and melt some butter?? I wouldn't find the biggest spider possible and crack open its legs, so I can't understand king crab legs. and shrimp? people, it's a centipede that has adapted to water.

so my friend jen found this site and sent it to me. and it's all the ammunition I need for when people try to ARGUE with me that seafood (especially shrimp) is good and I should like it. (this is infinitely better than my standard "I'm allergic to shrimp" line.) in fact, I think I will get this url printed on a business card and hand it out. if only they'd branch out into cheesecake territory and lose the gay thing. oh, and not be so sarcastic about it.

2 validations:

NME said...

And we wonder why Ms. Bella isn't entralled with solids?
I'm with you on most of those food preferences - except for the fish and seafood. Yum. Hot buttered spiders! I just don't like to physically dismantle an animal and suck out its insides. I want someone else to do that for me.

TD said...

I can't eat chicken with bones, either! Actually, I can eat wings, but I'd much rather eat chicken tenders with wing sauce. It's all about the sauce.

I do like shrimp. And lobster. But oysters? So wrong.