3.10.2005

my friend jen made me 2 cds of soft-rock from the 70s - stuff you used to hear when you were riding around in your mom's car. ever since then, I've had various songs from them stuck in my head, and corresponding flashback glimpses into my childhood. right now it's "think of me" with flashbacks of driving on 95 and going under the blue steel arches of the ben franklin bridge. thank you, jen - not only do I love the songs, but I love remembering.

so after reading theresa's blog, I am reminding myself to HANG UP THE FREAKING SMOKE DETECTORS, ALREADY that I bought a few weeks ago after having a bad dream about our house being on fire. this leads us to a problem I have: assuming that since nothing bad is happening in my life right now, something is lurking just around the corner that is going to blindside me. I know alot of people have this problem, just not knowing how to be happy. I can't sit here and enjoy the life I have right now - babies, kids, husbands, friends, houses, jobs - because I am afraid that at any moment, and most likely as soon as I do let my guard down, something horrible will happen. and the more happy I am, the bigger the something horrible will be.

of course, I know that it's silly to think this way, but I am unable to change it. so I guess I'm convinced that our house will now burn to the ground. (another issue - feeling like if I say it, or even joke about it, it will happen. somehow, it doesn't work when saying or joking about winning the lottery.)

so until something bad does happen, I'll be sleeping with one eye open. at least I'll have good cds to listen to while I am fetalized in my bed, rocking back and forth, my eyes darting around the room looking for smoke. "think of me" indeed.

2 validations:

TD said...

I have the same problem, Patrice. Every night, I worry myself to sleep about the myriad terrible things that might happen. Here's my advice:

1. If you haven't already, stop watching the 11 o'clock news. Last night, after a story about a shooting on South St., I was convinced there was a bullet with Todd or my name on it.

2. Remind yourself of all the old people you know who have led long, relatively happy lives. They're proof that it can happen.

3. Go buy an emergency fire escape ladder. They're $39.99 at LOWES.

Of course, what the hell do I know? I still check behind shower curtains for serial killers.

NME said...

We have discussed this many times before, so you KNOW that I have the same problem. My whole life I have thought my luck must be about to run out - and then wondering what type of horrible thing will happen to me to even the score. All you can do is constantly try not to let those voices ruin your enjoyment of now. And you deserve all the happiness in the world because you are a really amazing human being. Have I told you lately that I love you?