today is picture day at bella's daycare, so she's all decked out in her cute silver silk asian H&M dress that has never been washed because before I bought it I didn't notice the tag said "dry clean only" and if anyone thinks I'm going to dry clean a newborn's outfit then they have not only smoked the dope, but inhaled. what we do is just put it on her for short spurts, keep a bib on her as much as possible, blot off any spittage, and then let it air out between wearings. please, my skin is sensitive around my wrists - please use regular cuffs and not those plastic things.

that also meant I had to get up super early, as pictures started at 8, and I normally get to daycare sometime around 8:45. I usually use trent to watch bella while I get a shower (that is exactly why I waited until trent was 11 to have a baby - the babysitter factor) but he hadn't been dropped off yet. bella was still sleeping. but she normally wakes up shortly after I do because her heat source and the aroma of milk is no longer there, so conundrum. I used the baby monitor and got into the shower, all the while thinking that she's going to suddenly learn how to turn over, and fall off the bed, dying before I could get to her, all because I needed to finish rinsing the shampoo out of my hair. and would it look even worse because I would have stopped to put on my robe? would sean ever forgive me? would I be in the shower later on, listening to KYW and hearing my own story on the news? maybe I'd be able to heal by going on tour not blasting the perils of cosleeping, no, because that really wasn't the problem. it was leaving your baby unattended, that's what I'd speak about. and I'd go on line and join a support group of women whose babies have died. but they wouldn't accept me when they found out that the reason I lost mine was because I needed to take a shower and left her on the bed. they'd be cruel, but I'd deserve it. but maybe there was an online community for women who were careless and caused their own child's demise? if so, I could join that. even though it would be depressing. and I'd probably tell my doctor just to prescribe me antidepressants right off the bat. I'd probably become addicted to them and die myself. which would really be better. and would I be able to hear her on the monitor if she did really fall? I should have turned on the radio in there so I could hear it through the monitor. even though the wall of the shower faces into our bedroom and even when sean just farts, I can hear him, but maybe I won't hear her. did I turn it up or down before I got in the shower?? I thought I turned it up but now I don't know. and it would be my luck that I turned it down. why did I leave her in there???

and then I was done, so I got out of the shower and found bella sleeping peacefully on the bed. at least it's friday.