it. is. almost. FALL.

it's pretty much no secret that the last couple years of my life have been rife with me having mental issues or being afraid to have mental issues. I can't always tell what is making me feel the way I do, but I know one thing that nearly always makes me feel better. fall. autumn. between uncomfortable summer and dreary winter.

lots of people love fall and for alot of the same reasons - cool weather, changing leaves, good smells, coziness - but I think my main reason is new possibilities. most people, I think, feel this in the spring, when stuff starts growing. and not necessarily in the fall, when stuff starts dying. I think it goes back to the clean slate feeling I always got when a new school year started. and I guess it's stuck with me.

of course, fall contains my favorite holiday. it's so amazing to me that bella's birthday, without planning, fell on halloween. it's just another indication to me that I am done having kids. it's like the lottery - I may have told this story so I'll keep it brief. a few things happened during a workday that all had the same number, 111. I had to make the court runs for work and I passed by a convenience store, and my coworker urged me to buy a ticket. I did (asking for 111 "straight and boxed" as I had heard others doing, heh) and put the ticket in my pocket. the next day, my coworker greeted me saying "I can't believe it, you won!!!!" apparently 111 had come up the previous day. and I never played again. what a way to go out, you know? same with the game washers. I haven't played since I got a washer around the bolt in the can in the box. perfect throw. it's not that I'm superstitious or just lazy or anything. it's just that those moments are so good, I feel no need to top them. so bella is like that too. I already know I don't want more kids and what a way to go out, you know?

in other news, things continue along the same lines in other areas of my life but I'm ready for a change. mostly in attitude but hopefully more - with the fall clean slate.