hello, goodbye

so I asked for someone to swoop in and take care of my bills, and I am happy to report that that's exactly what happened. through the magic of something called "trust", which I have dabbled in in the past, I asked jarrett to help and he has. in fact, he just balanced my checkbook again today, and that's like the 5th time he's done it. that I know of - it may have been more.

to add to how wonderful jarrett is, and to make you all either go "awww" or [vomit], we're going on a cruise. we leave on saturday and jarrett paid for my ticket. our deal is that I pay for incidentals on the trip, but there's no way that incidentals are going to cost as much as the ticket itself. just wish us luck, as there's a tropical storm or whatever near where we're going (bermuda, which is safe, tortola and st thomas, which would be in the storm's path).

regarding all the other shit. it's been mostly up and some down. the down has been pretty far down, which I suppose is concerning. I just try to ride it out. it's not easy on everyone around me - family, jarrett, friends that I keep at a safe distance (specifically nicole and betsy - I'm sorry) - and I hate that it's difficult, but I'm trying as hard as I can to improve.

anyways, wish me bon voyage and I'll talk to you when I get back.

I need help.

so things aren't going so well. I have always had a problem with paying bills on time. the thing is, I do really well for a long time and then one thing is late and then it snowballs. that's happening right now. it's not pretty. and then I get paralyzed. I wish someone would swoop in and just take control of my bank account until it's stable again.

I have had a rough few months. but, on the plus side, sort of, I start yet another new job on monday. this one better be a keeper. my contract at my current place was up yesterday, but they offered me a full time position. this other job pays alot more and has a better title, so I went with it. I hope I like it because I don't want to change jobs again for many many years.

on the meds front, I was taken off the lexapro after a, um, incident. my psychiatrist says that I am going through withdrawal from that now, even though I'm on zoloft now. and something called lamictal, which is actually an anti convulsant that works to stabilize moods. it's one of those things where the medicine was made for one thing and they realized it worked on something else. I had an appointment yesterday again and now I have to get a prescription filled for an extended release xanax to replace my as-needed xanax and nighttime klonopin. have I mentioned that I hate taking medicines? I hate not feeling like myself. it's one of the reasons I never liked drinking.

anyways, my stress level is ultra high about the money thing. I don't know what to do.

also - hi. I know, it's been a while.