shut up already

sorry about that last post. it's been about 6 weeks now, and the lexapro is finally starting to work. I struggled with telling anyone about being on it because a) it felt way too "poor me" and b) it made things, for me, seem more real.

the thing about lexapro, for me, was that it really made things a whole bunch worse before it made anything better. then, when things got better, it only brought me up to where I was when I started, not better overall. I started with half a 10mg pill for about a week, which was rife with side effects (mostly nausea) and then up to a whole 10mg pill for about a week and a half. that's when things started getting bad. lexapro is an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant. the anti-anxiety part is supposed to kick in by the end of the first week, and the anti-depressant kicks in after a month. my anxiety level shot up and my emotions shot down and I was actually scared there for a while. things happened - not great things, not things I want to mention.

anyways, now I'm on 20mg and things are looking up. I still have some bad moments - hours, maybe a day at a time - but I feel like I am making better decisions. the emotions I'm having issues with are still there, but they don't plague me and I don't obsess about them as much anymore. I'm able to dismiss thoughts easier than I was before, which makes things much better for me. I'm not sure if that's the purpose of this medicine or not, but it makes me feel alot better about myself. the problem is that I'm not really hitting alot of highs, either. while I don't feel as down as I did before, I'm not feeling as happy, either. I guess that's the tradeoff.

anyways, sorry about being lame before.

8 validations:

Katiemagic said...

I've never battled depression but it runs in my family so I'm always sort of waiting for that monster to haunt me too.

I'm sorry things got bad, I'm glad you're feeling a little more even, and my wish for you is that you find great happiness.

Missuz J said...

Here's hoping for more up days in the future. Sending your long distance hugs. (This summer, email me at my hotmail account. Please.)

Jen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen said...

You don't ever have to apologize for being depressed. Would you apologize for having cancer? I didn't think so.

Glad you are feeling somewhat better, and I think it is to be expected that you are not experiencing the highs either. Medication seems to dull all the extremes, good or bad.

lonna said...

I'm glad to see that you got some help. I'm sure your doctor knows what he or she is doing, but lexapro is hard to go on and also hard to get off of. But if it's what works for you stick with it. I found that when I went on the zoloft that it also didn't really increase the ups, but that I had more patience. I didn't want to hurt Ethan or Dermot after only one or two little things. I could handle a lot more of the little things. Lately I've been really tired and my doctor thinks that my serotonin is too low. So she put me on wellbutrin as well as the zoloft. Oh My God! Talk about anxiety. It was through the roof, and I don't need any help feeling anxious. I went off of the wellbutrin after two days. I was on xanax (a very small, barely used prescription) for anxiety before Dermot and the endless nursing and that worked wonders. I agree with Jen. Don't ever feel bad about suffering from depression. The majority of women suffer from some form of it at some time in their lives. It's just like any other disease. Good luck.

thelyamhound said...

To me, there are two ways of seeing depression: It's a disorder requiring treatment, and/or it's a rational raction to the essential chaos and endless traumatic shock of existence. Either way, you are blamesless; no apology required. :^)

I'm glad to hear that things are starting to even out, by whatever device. Hugs, funny faces, foot rubs, and all that.

Stine said...

I've totally been where you're at. It sucks and it's uncomfortable. I'm glad you're finding med levels that work for you. It's hard to find that correct balance.

Big virtual hug.

NME said...

I haven't spent much time commenting lately so it seems so wierd to come up with something small and succint about such large issues that we have talked about more in depth via email. But I bet you'd like a comment nonetheless. So - glad things are looking up. From what I understand it takes a while to get the perfect combo of the right treatment, right drug, and right dosage. But it definitely sounds like a worthy exercise.Love you.