shut up already

sorry about that last post. it's been about 6 weeks now, and the lexapro is finally starting to work. I struggled with telling anyone about being on it because a) it felt way too "poor me" and b) it made things, for me, seem more real.

the thing about lexapro, for me, was that it really made things a whole bunch worse before it made anything better. then, when things got better, it only brought me up to where I was when I started, not better overall. I started with half a 10mg pill for about a week, which was rife with side effects (mostly nausea) and then up to a whole 10mg pill for about a week and a half. that's when things started getting bad. lexapro is an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant. the anti-anxiety part is supposed to kick in by the end of the first week, and the anti-depressant kicks in after a month. my anxiety level shot up and my emotions shot down and I was actually scared there for a while. things happened - not great things, not things I want to mention.

anyways, now I'm on 20mg and things are looking up. I still have some bad moments - hours, maybe a day at a time - but I feel like I am making better decisions. the emotions I'm having issues with are still there, but they don't plague me and I don't obsess about them as much anymore. I'm able to dismiss thoughts easier than I was before, which makes things much better for me. I'm not sure if that's the purpose of this medicine or not, but it makes me feel alot better about myself. the problem is that I'm not really hitting alot of highs, either. while I don't feel as down as I did before, I'm not feeling as happy, either. I guess that's the tradeoff.

anyways, sorry about being lame before.

same old

I'm so tired of feeling awful.
I'm so tired of feeling awful.
I'm so tired of feeling awful.
I'm so tired of feeling awful.
I'm so tired of feeling awful.
I'm so tired of feeling awful.
I'm so tired of feeling awful.

day whatever

not feeling all that great. tired. I feel really cut off from everything and lonely but I have no desire to change anything. mostly because it would take effort and I don't have any. I just don't. I only hope there will be people around when I snap out of it.

let's talk about bella. she's cute. she gets so excited when she sees people she knows now. especially her "big brudder". she can let the dog out by herself and then give her a treat, so she feels quite accomplished. and it's nice to say "bella, can you let the doggie go out?" and have her do it. that's really the best reason to have kids - to get them to do stuff for you.

her hair is growing alot, and while I'm allowed to put it in a clip or ponytails, it does not stay for very long as she likes to rip that stuff out of her hair. she's still doing the twirling (though she asks first now for some reason, "mommy, can I twirl my hair?") and it still looks cute to have one giant corkscrew curl on top of her head, but soon the front is going to get in her eyes. we'll see how it goes, but I know I don't want to do what my mother did to me, which was just to keep my hair short. all the time. and I didn't like dresses so everyone called me a boy, which really was upsetting at the time.

anyway. the other day, someone told me a story about their 14 year old nephew (or something) that was just caught smoking weed. so I can't really complain too much about trent, even though he just served 3 detentions for the episode that preceeded his stitches a few weeks ago. it could be worse. but he's still grounded.

work update: I need more to do. but I know to be careful what I wish for.

update: day 4

status: almost ready to leave for the day

of note: ping pong table in the cafeteria

milestone: had actual conversation with 2 people that had nothing to do with work

mood: optimistic but lonely

will be going: on vacation starting tomorrow, returning next tues.

miss: you all.

update - day 3

status: trying to do something in photoshop

of note: wednesdays are bagel days

of special note: the burger king near here has no drive through, which I thought was impossible

mood: optimistic yet cautious

new job

day 2

status: just ate lunch

of note: red bull available in the vending machines

do not, under any circumstances: flush tampons down the toilet. they are very clear on this.

so far: so good.