ties that blind

I just read a post and article by nicole that were really quite stirring. rebecca and amanda and katy are all having thanksgiving dinner together out in utah. lonna and ethan are foregoing the relatives to tofurkey it alone. it got me to thinking about where I would want to spend thanksgiving if I could spend it any way I want. if I were to surround myself with the people who I am thankful for and who in turn are thankful for me.

I started writing many paragraphs about how disappointed I am in some of our family members - some of whom (my mom) haven't seen bella more than 5 times in total in her lifetime. but I guess the point of thanksgiving isn't wishing you had more to be thankful for, but being thankful for what you do have. it's not easy for me. I want the type of relationship that nicole talks about with her family, but no one seems to be very interested. so I am very bitter. but I have to put that aside for a day and be thankful.

having spent many thanksgivings and christmas days alone, I can be thankful that today I have 2 places that have invited our family to dinner. knowing several people whose parents have passed away, I can be thankful that mine are still alive and healthy. seeing blogs where women are lamenting their inability to have a child, or having lost pregnancies and children, I can be thankful for my two kids. being friends with a person who is going through a rough separation from his wife, I can be thankful for my marriage and husband. reading about people who have terminal illnesses who aren't able to leave the hospital to have thanksgiving dinner, I can be thankful for my own health. watching people still homeless and poor after hurricanes, I can be thankful that I have my home. hearing that the unemployment rate is going up again, I can be thankful that I have my job. understanding that people are cutting off their fingers and putting them in chili so they can sue wendy's, I can be thankful that I can still type. clicking over to go fug yourself and seeing what some people are wearing these days, I can be thankful that I have my sense of taste. you get the picture.

while it sometimes takes a day of thanks to be on the goddamn calendar for me to think in this way, I am thankful for everyday little things on a daily basis. the beauty of an orange mum, bella's tiny lips, when trent tells a joke, seeing sean give bella a bath, the cat licking the dog's fur, a single perfect oak leaf gently breaking away from a branch and flitting to the ground, the smell of cut grass and burning leaves, back scratchers, the first sip of a freshly opened soda, getting the perfect picture, making someone smile. because these are things that no one can predict or control, I feel like I am even more thankful for them. families make a choice as to whether or not they choose to be involved in each other's lives. sometimes, their choices are disappointing. I find that focusing on my own children and husband and the things immediately surrounding me and being thankful for those things allow me to continue to tolerate the things that make me upset.

I'm not sure what kind of person that makes me. however, I am thankful that I am alive and able to make mistakes and be bitter and have revelations and smell those burning leaves. I guess that's pretty important.