bathing beauties

after completely embarrassing myself at the hatfield public pool this weekend because I was wearing a maternity bathing suit top with a pair of mismatched bottoms, I decided to bite the bullet and order up some bathing suits from Middle Aged Yachting White People's Clothing Company, ie Land's End. I had gone to sears over the weekend looking for the land's end bathing suits I saw in their catalog, and had gotten nothing, as I had forgotten that no one needs a bathing suit in the dead heat of july. no, we all buy them in march, when it's too cold to wear short sleeves. in july, when no one is going to the beach, or has lost weight, or decided they hated their current suit, or just hasn't gotten around to buying a suit yet, no one needs or wants bathing suits. that is why there are only 4 of them on the rack. because no one wants them. (thank you, sarcasm italics.)

because you can't try on bathing suits when you're buying them online, I had to take some drastic measures and treat it as if I were in the store. even though the bathing suits are an astonishingly expensive $80 apiece, I ordered 3 of them, with the intention of trying them on and returning the ones I don't like. so sean, if you see a charge on the statement for like a hundred skillion dollars, don't worry - I'm taking care of it.

so swimming. it is hot as hell here in eastern PA lately, and this weekend was no exception. I went to our local pool for the first time and was very impressed by what I saw as I drove up - a kiddie pool that had a ramp in it so the water got gradually higher so bella could sit in it, a mushroom shaped fountain, a nice looking snack stand - and so I was pretty psyched that this pool trip would be okay. because generally, I hate public pools. having been a spoiled brat and growing up with my own pool in my back yard, I had a mild disdain for having to share to begin with, but when you think about all the organisms and hygiene habits of people....I should stop. I'm freaking myself out.

anyways, so I get to our local pool and go inside. a couple of kids who look like they are about 10 are at the desk. no other adults in sight. I ask how much for the day, and they just look at each other like I'm speaking yiddish. finally, one looks down so as not to have to make eye contact and tells me "you gotta be a member." I was like "you mean to tell me I can't just pay to come in?" and he tells me that a member has to sign me in for me to be allowed in for the day. a member has to sign me in. what is this, a fucking country club? it's the local goddamn pool!! I mean, yeah, it looks nice, but sweet shit on a stick, it's still a local pool! since I wasn't getting anywhere with these little asswipes, I left and went over to a pool I knew would accept payment for the day - hatfield. a pool that I knew was one of the reasons I hold the stereotype of public pool that I do. one with band-aids floating in the water and people who smell badly.

so we went in and bella loved it. like seriously loved it. she showed no signs of getting bored, even after a half hour of walking in circles. hell, *I* was bored. she could have stayed there all day.

of course, it's the end of july, and I'll be damned if I pay $150 to be allowed to go to my local pool (I PAY TAXES, YOU LITTLE SHITS, LET ME INTO THE GODDAMN POOL) so I guess it's either hatfield or our little baby pool until next year.

why can't one of my friends put a pool in at their house?? jen, tracey, nicole, theresa - I'm looking at you guys.

7 validations:

Missuz J said...

Sweet shit on a stick--I'm totally stealing that one.

I took Soph to the pool a few weeks ago; we haven't been back. It's hot and crowded and there isn't enough god-damn adult supervision. I'll say a prayer to the swimming suit gods for you. I bought one off the rack at Wal-Mart without even trying it on. It fits ok--except for the fact that three quarters of my boobs come spilling out of the top. So--I wear a t-shirt and look like I'm part of some deranged middle-aged-mommies wet t-shirt contest.

patrice said...

haaa! nice. I love the imagery of the wet t shirt contest.

I do have to add that I was beaned in the back of the head by some kid's freakin ball. smack in the back of the head. I was so pissed. I thought there was a rule against bringing toys into public pools. stupid fucking hatfield pool. I hate it.

Katy said...

I too am stealing sweet shit on a stick. You should copyright it and make everyone pay you a nickle everytime they say it. Except of course your adoring fans :)

So really, it's not a public pool at all, it's a members only pool. Misleading advertising...I think you have grounds for a lawsuit...especially since you suffered a head injury at the "second choice" pool. Bastages.

Jaws said...

LOl I think that was a big hint guys..LOL

Honestly all the clubs we have been in have been like that if you come with a member then you can pay to enter. But there is a catch.. If we had some one on the swim team for the club we got a free membership.

KATIEmagic said...

Ah public pool phobia. Just ew. But totally worth it when it's that hot.

NME said...

Damn ritzy Lansdalians! Who do they think they are?

I however don't like "sweet shit on a stick" or any kind of shit, or reference to the flavor or preparation of shit at all.

amandak said...

Our current pool of choice is at Clark's gym. Which means I can take Madeline in for her swimming lessons, but am not allowed to use the pool. Clark is the only one who can actually take the kids and get in with them. Whatever. It's making me consider joining the gym just to get in the water, but that would require shaving the bikini line, and we all know how I HATE that. It is a great pool facility though. One indoor, one outdoor, one kiddie pool, one grownup hot tub and one kid hot tub. Along with grass and shade and lifeguards. Maybe next summer.