and the card attached would say...

oh, the weekend. how bout it. I actually got a ton of stuff done on sunday. (I can't remember what happened on saturday so we'll just come back to that, like, someday.)

let's put it in list form, shall we?

1. colored hair. a good name for this color would be "melted cherry sno-cone".
2. shaved legs. if you don't think this should be put on the list, you haven't seen my legs lately.
3. decided to get butch:
a. went to sports authority and bought trent a new baseball bag and baseball pants. had I had the guts, I would have bought him a new cup, since he lost his, but I just wasn't feeling up to it. how do they size those things, anyways??
b. went to home depot. just driving to home depot without any men attached to me feels empowering. unless I'm just getting plants or lamps. not when I'm getting roof muck, or, as was the case this time, buying a new lawn mower AND a wheelbarrow.
c. put together said lawn mower.
d. mowed lawn.
e. dug out front flower bed and used wheelbarrow a total of 4 times, effectively upping my lifetime wheelbarrow usage 200%.
f. painted front fence and gate.
g. bought ferrari while dating younger blonde. just kidding. or am I?

anyway, the point is, I did alot of lawn work. and missuz j? you are decidedly UN-wiggety whack (I had promised myself to work in wiggety whack in this post and you're definitely the opposite, so) for spurring me on to get a reel mower. a reel mower is a REAL mower. I felt like a throwback to days of yore while simultaneously feeling like I was totally working out. in fact, we're not going to call it the lawn mower anymore, we're going to call it "patrice's workout equipment."

my neighbors totally laughed at me. my neighbor mike, the one who gives people affectionate "fag names" like Browneye, said to his wife "omigod, you gotta look at this." YOUR WINDOW WAS OPEN, MIKE, AND I CAN HEAR YOU. whatever. they're just jealous because they have a perfectly working gas mower that could mow fields and fields and fields and they know they'll never get the muscle tone I'm gonna get.

and you know? I never felt so much like a homeowner until I owned a wheelbarrow. I love saying it - I own a wheelbarrow. you need me to take that pile of weeds around back? put it in the wheelbarrow. got alot of plants to carry? put it in the wheelbarrow. backpack broke? here, take my wheelbarrow to school, trent. drunk people passed out in front of molettiere's? wheelbarrow!

and the whole day sunday was made possible by my new rental wife, brett. (trent's dad, by the way.) because of the lifetime of favors I've given to him, he granted me a favor of coming over for a few hours yesterday to watch bella and trent while I did manly things. so I told him I could really get used to having a wife like him. background on brett: he is the kind of guy who doesn't take kindly to being called a wife. but I had a piece of "workout equipment" that I was putting together that could have torn his legs off, so he smiled demurely and asked if I wanted some lemonade. take THAT, stereotypes!

today, my friends - I get another hair cut. pray for me.

7 validations:

M.Thom said...

When I lived in my apartment, I had a reel mower. I used it twice in two years. Mostly, I whined until The Man came over with his dad's mower and did the lawn for me. And by "lawn" I mean "area full of waist-high weeds behind the house."

NME said...

You ACTUALLY made me want to get a wheel barrow and a reel mower - though I would have absolutely no use for either as my outdoor space is a small concrete area.

lonna said...

The only time I am happy that I have miserable allergies and asthma is when it comes to mowing the lawn. I absolutely can not do it. I tried once at age 12 and my parents had to bring me inside because I could barely breathe. So now Ethan is completely in charge of the lawn and I let him get away with murder. In fact last week we broke down and hired a company to mow our lawn while the lawnmower is in the shop.

Jen O. said...

so much depends

a red wheel

glazed with rain

beside the white

Kelly said...

So, if I get some form of potentially dangerous equipment, do you think Brett can teach James how to be a good wife?

KATIEmagic said...

How does your hair look? What happened at the last cut?

seansylvania said...

Boy, I'm so glad that I was at work that day avoiding the tag of "wife". Poor Brett. Although, he owes you big time!
Yeah, like Mike has room to make fun. Do you know where he got his ultimate gas mower? The trash! That's right. He picked it clean and tinkered with the motor like Carl from Sling Blade until he got it to run properly. You can't blame him for being efficient and "conservative", though. At least he was nice enough to offer for us to borrow it when we were in between mowers. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on King Of The Hill. I love that show!