this one is about clothes.

since 2 things that happened this morning that involved fashion struck me as new and major differences between Old Life (pre bella) and New Life (post bella), I figured I'd write about them.

Thing 1. I am wearing Lands End jeans. my zipper is like 8 inches long. the wash on them is something circa 1991, a creamy blue faded denim. they have an enormous amount of stretch in the fabric. they have small pockets in the front. and though they are "boot cut", they are suspiciously straight legged, almost as if they are trying to become tapered somehow. why am I wearing them? it's not because I have no other jeans to wear. (though that's true, the rest ARE in the laundry.) it's because they are the ones that look the best on me. because they are high waisted. this is what I've become, folks. someone who needs high waisted pants.

if I don't wear high waisted pants, I have a couple of options. let the pouch hang over, or try to hike up the pants higher so the pouch can be tucked in. hiking up the pants gives a very serious probability of camel toe. letting the pouch hang over requires a good deal of thought on the shirt options, as I'll need something that will not allow the pouch to either be seen from underneath or be tight enough to show the ripley, mottled, roll-y lunar surface of my belly skin.

so instead of putting myself through that agony, I chose today to just go ahead and embrace middle age and just wear the high waisted lands end jeans already. but god help me, I will NOT wear the pants with the elastic on the back waistband. (though...and I say this in confidence, so don't tell...I do own a pair of those.)

Thing 2. I was reading nicole's blog and theresa asked about snaps on her bra. like do you have snaps on your bra instead of the little hook and eye clips that all other bras have. and it made me chuckle because there's a whole world of bras out there that women who don't breastfeed or have children don't know about. which is good for them. all of you ladies who don't have kids - these snappy bras are nursing bras. the cups fold down so that you can pull the girls out to nourish the baby. actually, and I've said this to sean before, I'm surprised that all bras aren't like this because it does lend some very handy accessibility for non-nourishment purposes. but regular women would never wear these nursing bras. why not? because they fit like the black leather glove on OJ's hand. I have purchased 40 thousand nursing bras and not ONE of them fits me correctly. short of getting some made for me, which they actually do (!!!) because none of the others ever fit, you just have to live with some area of the bra not fitting right. (and I'm not even that large in the chesticular area. poor nicole's giant rack literally busts out of her bras.)

there's more to not fitting than just the annoyance of the not fitting. there's the whole what bra could I possibly wear with this shirt dilemma. because some cups are not completely filled out until I'm seriously engorged with milk. (that's a whole nother post.) so they look wrinkly. which looks awful under shirts. and then there's the clips - they poke out of your shirt like misplaced nipples. like "why are patrice's nipples way up on her clavicles??" and then there's the nursing pads. people, imagine trying to get away with wearing a stayfree if you were forced to wear lycra workout tights every day. I have to stuff these stupid circle-shaped pads in my bra every day so that if milk decides to spontaneously come out (which does happen from time to time) there's something to soak it up. so not only do I have misplace nipple-looking clips, it looks like I'm stuffing my bra.

now, I am not saying all of this to scare anyone. I'm just telling it like it is. and this is true for me and some of my mom-friends. (okay, I only have one mom-friend.) but not all mothers have either or both of these issues. my sister can wear the lowest-rise jeans imaginable, the kind where they're more or less giant denim legwarmers that happen to be joined at the top by a small strip of waistband. and she's had 3 kids. granted, she's addicted to exercise, but anyway. and there are women I know who were back to their size 6 pants within 4 months of having a baby, with no discernable bulging. and there are breastfeeders who somehow manage to have nice bras.

I'm just telling you the view from my closet.

2 validations:

NME said...

It was like reading my own thoughts magically transcribed.

Those women have clearly made a deal with the devil. Clearly.

TD said...

In the past two days, I feel confident I've learned everything there is to know about nursing bras, with the exception of what it feels like to wear one. Or what it feels like to need to wear one. Considering I have never found a regular bra that fits me properly (one boob is a half size bigger than the other), I can't imagine what shopping for a nursing bra must be like. You ladies are troopers.