stream of unconsciousness

bella woke up on saturday with a burning-hot fever. I called the doctor and got an appointment that morning. she was seemingly fine except she was burning up - not really too cranky, she was still eating, she just didn't seem sick except she was hot. turns out she has her very first ear infection. trent went through many of them when he was a baby - so many, in fact, that he had to have tubes in his ears. I myself had tubes twice when I was a baby. so it wasn't unfamiliar territory to hear about it. she is on antibiotics and her fever went down after about a day. she hates taking the medicine and it's all I can do to get it in her.

though hearing about the issue wasn't unfamiliar, dealing with it felt alien. I remember clips of trent's ear infections - driving around for hours at night, having him sleep in his infant seat, pushing him around in circles in his stroller in the living room at 2am - but I didn't remember much else.

like most people, there are 2 places where I find myself free-associating and doing the majority of my thinking: the shower, and my car. I usually listen to the radio in the shower and in the car, always the news station, but lately, I've been listening to music at least in the car, and this makes for more "meaningful" head banter. this is what I thought about on my car ride this morning from daycare to work.

bella. the crying. I hate giving her medicine. it wasn't that hard with trent. I don't think it was that hard with trent.

I hate giving her medicine. I have to squeeze her cheeks so she'll open her mouth enough to get a drop or two of the medicine in and then open wide to scream in frustration, then I can squirt more in the back of her throat so that she has to swallow - but not too much or she'll choke and throw up. I know I didn't have to do that with trent, because I never had a medicine syringe before.

did I just forget more about trent? it's crazy how I had less, was younger, had less patience, and in a way, cared less, but I'm thrown into a total tailspin when I should be saying "this, THIS is easy. wait till she poops her pants in public and I have no spare clothes."

I thought it would be much easier this time, because I have experience, because I have the wisdom of 11 years of parenting under my belt, and because I have someone to help me. but I increasingly feel that it's harder. and bella's not a harder baby - she's very well behaved. so it's me. and it makes me sad.

I passed a dead possum on the road and a dead something else that had golden fur. I hate to think it was someone's dog so I looked away. I saw all the cars driving around and felt the weight of the world pressing down on me as everyone else lived their own lives and went their own ways. I felt alone. I feel alone.

part of me wanted to flee back to the daycare, scoop up bella, and just take her home and be with her, whether she was cranky or not - and pick up trent on the way and just sit with them both and hug them till we all fell asleep. and the other part, a smaller part of course, wanted to drive on past my work campus...past the town, the city, the state line...as far as I could get.

it sounds like somebody's got a case of the mondays.