so nicole's been reading this blog about this lady with a new baby, and in a recent post, she said she finally realized that she can't battle her postpartum depression on her own, and will be taking meds. which reminded me about postpartum depression. I think I'm at a much greater risk this time around, since I'm sort of depressed already (which is mostly to do with my job situation, ie I hate it) and since I am much more aware of things this time than I was last time. and I was depressed last time too, which probably had alot to do with my station in life, being on welfare, living with my mother, fighting with brett...I do remember that it was the first time I had experienced panick attacks. I remember leaning over the sink washing bottles not being able to stand upright because I felt like some invisible force was pushing on my chest and I couldn't breathe. it wasn't like some people describe panick attacks, like they feel like they're going to die and they are afraid, because I wasn't afraid to die at that time. though I loved trent very much even then and hated to be away from him, I wouldn't have minded dying, either.

anyway, I'm not sure if there are ways to safeguard against post partum depression, but I'm going to look into it.

in other news, this pregnancy is now a valid topic of conversation, as we told the masses. via email, which makes me feel like a dork. but it's nice to now be able to talk to people and when they say "what's up" I can tell them. and over the weekend, while at my father's, I told the rest of my brothers and sister, and they seemed pleased. two of my brothers have 5 kids each, so it's not like they are thrilled because it's old hat to them.

we hid eggs for trent for easter, even though I really don't believe he believes in the easter bunny. but it was still fun for sean, since he's going to have to help do this for Baby Whatever, which is what we've christened this child for the duration of this pregnancy. anyway, since he has to get good at this for BW, he enjoyed helping make the basket and hide the eggs.

next week is our next office visit. the doctor said that's when we "schedule" the ultrasound, so I'm guessing it's not going to be on that day and not going to be at that office. the hospital is about 38 seconds away, so it's not going to be a big deal to go there instead. and maybe we'll see the birthing center. it's supposed to be state of the art, like wallpaper on the walls and chair rail, which should make the discomfort of shoving a watermelon through the barrel of a bic pen much easier. I'll just look at the chair rail and know everything is going to be alright.

so we've talked about it again, and it could change, but we still don't want to know the sex of the baby. lots of people do, including me the first time, but to me, it's like one more thing for everyone, including us, to get excited about when the baby comes. patrice had the baby! really? and what was it??? it was a pointy headed hermaphrodite covered with fur!

I plan to take trent out of school so he can go with us. we talked a little about it last night again, because I am getting concerned that he's not too excited about this. I think going and seeing this baby on the ultrasound will make him feel more connected. I have some half siblings that I really don't feel any familial bond with, and I don't want trent to feel that way about this baby. like my sister denise, who is really my half sister, I want trent to feel as if this baby is his real brother/sister even though they have different dads. I'm going to do my damndest anyways.

it's 10:30am, and that means time for spaghetti o's. nausea is subsiding ever so slightly, replaced and supplemented by an awful heartburn that starts at about 4pm and lasts till about 4am. next time, we adopt.