uggghhhhhh. I didn't leave the couch all day yesterday. so very sick. more sick than usual. it might have been because I spent saturday night at a party, was so hungry when I left that I made sean buy me a stauffer's mac and cheese salisbury steak microwave dinner, ate it, then watched autopsy on hbo until 4:30am. we got up around 10:30 and laid around, and as the morning turned to afternoon, I just got more and more sick. even eating didn't help. the only thing that felt good was sleeping. needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night (dreams about ghosts in my childhood house that moved all our clothes to different drawers and forced my mom to give our dog away) and now I'm not feeling so good this morning, either. and it's so nice out, it would have been great to take a walk yesterday. and today. but I don't think it will happen.

anyway, I finally removed the shirts and pants that don't fit from my drawers (hence that part of the dream.) I wore new maternity pants to the party saturday night. I felt a little silly, but no one knew they were maternity pants, so it wasn't so bad. I wore a maternity shirt, too, but it was one that didn't look big and tenty. or so I think, anyways. I just think it's too early for me to wear this stuff, but my mom says that if it fits, then I'm meant to wear it. nice advice.

anyway, since I'm now starting week 11, and week 12 (and the end of this horrid first trimester) is that much closer, I'm getting into better spirits. I just hope I'm not one of those people who stay sick through my whole pregnancy. if so, this would definitely be the last child I ever have. I am positive it wasn't this bad with trent. maybe that means we're having a girl.

I got some good news last week that has also lifted my spirits considerably. it made me infinitely more comfortable with things and excited. what is it? in due time, in due time.

sean starts his new job training today. he looked like a grown up when I blearily saw him through half closed eyes at 5am when he left for work. a crisp, new black polo shirt and boot cut khakis with new black boots. whatta man.

I cannot wait for these next 2 weeks to be over so that I can start feeling more alive again. this tiredness and infinite sickness have really taken their toll on me. someone told me that a cousin of hers got pregnant again shortly after having a child, and because she was so sick, she vowed never to have any more children. like I said, if I were sick throughout this time, this would be the last...and I gotta tell you, I'll be thinking twice before having another one even if the sickness abates when it's supposed to. but who knows. time enough for that later, when mother nature wipes my memory clean.

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