so I figured out that the dream thing was because I was taking a nap during the day. I stopped doing that and I still wake up during the night knowing that I just had a dream, but not being scared out of my wits or remembering every detail. so that's good.

what's not as good is that the sickness has settled in. I wake up feeling okay, until I actually stand upright. that's when it starts. it only abates when I eat. so I'm eating a ton. and the sucky part is that I just FEEL sick, I don't GET sick. I wish I would, and get it freakin over with. so it ebbs and flows all day and all night now. I am in week 9, so in theory, I only have 3 more weeks of this - actually 4, since I'm just starting week 9. whatev.

in other news, I am fat. fat, fat, fat. and it ain't baby. it's gluttony. I fool myself into thinking that I should eat whatever I want because it's my body's way of saying I need that particular nutrient. and it's true sometimes - I crave yogurt, so I need the dairy and the calcium. I crave chocolate milk (I hate white milk, always have - my mom had to give me stawberry quik in my bottles as a baby because I refused to drink white milk) because I need the calcium and the vitamin d. I crave meat (and boy do I crave meat) because I need the protein and iron. so then it should follow that I crave the cadbury mini eggs because I need the...um...candy shell. and I crave velveeta shells and cheese because it has "cheese" in it. and I crave totino's pepperoni party pizza because it has all 4 food groups in it. meanwhile, I can only guess how many pounds I've put on. (and it will only be a guess, because I refuse to step on a scale. time enough for that at the doctor's office.) WTEWYE, aka the pregnancy bible, says you should only gain 3-6 pounds in your first trimester. I think I gained that in my first week.

there was this one girl at a job I used to work at that was very big. one might say slightly obese. anyways, she was out for a while and then one day she came back and there were balloons at her desk. I figured she might have had an illness or been in an accident or something. turns out the balloons said "it's a girl" - the woman was pregnant and I never even knew. we're all familiar with the typical shape of a pregnant woman, but honestly, this lady had rolls of fat and none of the rolls looked like baby. so this is my fear - I'll be 9 months pregnant, waddling around, and people will just be like "oh dear, what a fat woman."

then I get all freaked out because...should I really be worried about what I look like? as sean likes to say, I'm a "vessel" now, I should only be worried about making sure we don't have a pointy headed baby covered with fur, not my own figure. god, I wish I would throw up already, I feel so sick right now. anyways.

so the whole fat thing is because I think I am starting to show, which WTEWYE says shouldn't happen until the middle of month 4. I am at the beginning of month 3. so I am a fat cow. oh, thanks in advance to all of you who will write to me and say I'm not a fat cow. with all due respect, you're just trying to be nice, so be quiet. I'm fat. it's true.

anyways, I hate my job, I feel sick, I feel fat, I wish I were just bloated, I feel sick, I want some mac and cheese, I feel sick, and I like cadbury mini eggs. that's all for today.