siiiiighhhh

trent's high school orientation was yesterday. and we again had the grounding discussion. he was grounded most of the summer because he didn't get a job, and now he's cramming in all his summer homework in time for tuesday when school starts. it's tough to make sure that you're parenting the right way when they're older. it's fairly cut an dried when they're little, for the most part. you have a sense of what you want them to learn from you and what's acceptable and what's not. this is a giant gray area. frustrating for all of us.

bella is suddenly very into spelling. she spells everything she sees. (meaning, says the letters.) her hair is getting so long and I love it. I don't want to cut it. she's more allowing of pony tails, too, so that's helpful. she's also getting really into playing basketball outside. which I love. I got her a princess basketball so it is even more compelling for her.

I took an "empowering" step today to challenge my diagnosis with my psychologist. we're going to go to my psychiatrist on tuesday with a new recommendation. means new meds, which means weaning from old and dealing with new side effects, but if it ultimately makes me less uncomfortable in my own skin, then fantastic. bring it the fuck on.

happy labor day to all the moms out there. get it? heh.

back to our intended storyline

I have been so absolutely wrapped up in my own sick mind that I haven't talked enough about what this blog is all about - my kids. I get so caught up in things...I haven't slept for more than a few hours at a time in days. addled. the things that are important, the ones that are permanent. my family may decide they hate me, my boyfriend may decide that he really does have feelings for someone else, my friends may get sick of me like I think they will. the only things that are permanent and that really matter are my kids.

my sweet boy, trent. he just got back from europe. and even though we've had some rough times over the past 2 months or so, when he seemed like he was getting further and further out of reach, he came back with more love for me than I thought and was receptive to the love I had to give. he had a great time. all the way home from the airport, he told me about all of his exploits. he told me berlin was too americanized and dresden was the most beautiful city he's ever seen. he said beautiful, not cool. he's growing. but he's still my teenager - he took a steep train ride up a mountain in the swiss alps and when he got to the top, he and his friends all peed off the top, just to say they did. I love him so much. I'm so glad he's home.

bella's been giving me a run for my money. stubborn, saying no alot. but still saying the cutest things. she asked me today if the soda I got had caffeine, because caffeine makes you not tired, and you have to let your muscles sleep. and then in the morning, your muscles can get all waked up. she asked brett for some coupons from his salad and then proceeded to eat every single crouton he had. I drop something and she tells me it's okay, we all have accidents. she asks me to come up to the potty with her because she doesn't want to get lonely. she tells me she's getting bigger and then comes out to show me, which consists of her standing there looking proud. she saw worms today and said that the worms were her best friends, and she's so glad to see them. we got her a basketball net because she seemed to like the one we saw at a friend's, and I want her to be as athletic as she is comfortable with, because sports can really give a girl confidence. and I never, ever want her to be like me.

I got stung by a wasp today. there are dangers around, you know they're there. you do what you have to do anyway. and sometimes you get stung by a wasp. and it hurts, and you wonder what's going to happen next. will you have a horrible allergic reaction? will it get infected? how badly will it itch? when will the hurt go away? you didn't want to get stung, you just did. and then what. you go to webmd and find out about the odds of each thing happening. you read about home remedies. you read about how people died from a single sting. you read about how it could be absolutely nothing. and you sit and look at your wrist where you were stung, and you have no idea how it's going to go. no control over how it's going to go. and you just wait to see. and you realize the anxiety over it might have been worse than the sting. but you never really know that until it's over.

my kids may just save me.