hi, remember me?

anyways, it's been a crazy few weeks. trent finished school, I've been working myself ragged, we've had shower troubles (not the water kind) and I turned 30 in the middle of it all.

the hot weather is returning, and with it, giant, giant feet. hugely giant feet. flip flops aren't even cutting it anymore. well, they are "cutting it" - cutting into my flesh, that is. ankles? what ankles? and I have been drinking water like whatever the opposite of a camel is. and I have the toilet-seat marks on my ass to prove it. it doesn't help that Baby Whatever is kicking my bladder right now, either. I have a permanent indentation on my wrist from my previously-loose watch. it's total insanity.

I asked my sister how she managed to get through pregnancy and give birth in august to her first baby, with all the water weight bloating stuff that happens. she said she was literally barefoot and pregnant. it also helped that she was at home and we had a pool, and she didn't have what I like to pretend is a career. I have no such luck. and my cottage cheese thighs and puffed up calves are not going to make going to the local pool a pleasant experience.

so I read something on babycenter about what do to if you're not feeling that "pregnancy glow" or whatever. and it has to do with not exercising enough. bah. it's hot! I'm tired! I'm perpetually in transition for work! I'm really fat! and now I'm supposed to take a half hour to exercise daily? hm. well maybe I can walk. a little. if I can get shoes on.

but this isn't the place to bask in the glow of pregnancy anyways. much to the chagrin of people who read this to get an accurate depiction of what pregnancy is like. (hi, theresa!) it's a place for me to bitch and moan about the shite all the hippie and stepford mothers pretend doesn't happen. there is a rosy side, for sure. it's wonderful. it makes you feel like you're really doing your role as a female human. it's exciting. it makes you so satisfied when you see other babies. but no one wants to hear about all the bad crap when they say, incessantly, "so how are you feeling?" so it's gotta come out somewhere. and blogspot is the place.

so take all of these posts with a grain of salt. since there are alot of posts, that's alot of salt. perhaps you'll start to look like me.

babies. so harrowing.

had a little run-in with a big husky at the dog park last week, and when she jumped up on me landing square on my stomach, I thought it was no big deal. though it hurt for a while afterwards. the next morning, I felt crampy but dismissed it. then came the spotting. I knew in my head that it probably was not a big deal, but my heart didn't care. I cried and cried and cried and cried. then I called sean, who called the doctor. then I cried. then I called nicole. then sean called back and said the doctor wanted to see me that afternoon. then I cried. then I called nicole back. then I cried. then sean said he'd come home from work. then I cried. then I called my mom, oddly enough, and she talked to me up until sean got home an hour later. then we cried. then we sat around like zombies, picking things up and putting them down again without really knowing what we were doing. then we went to the doctor.

I put on the paper gown, the nurse checked my blood pressure, and it seemed like a normal visit. before the doctor came in, the nurse came back and said he wanted to be able to do a special test and got the stuff ready. then we waited for what was probably about 10 minutes but obviously was much more excruciating than that. when the doctor came in, he didn't ask what happened, he just felt my belly, listened to the heartbeat with the doppler, said brusquely to sean, "you hear that okay?", and then told us we should move up our ultrasound and he'd get us a new appointment. and that's it. no internal nothing, no test, no need for the giant pink swab thingie that the nurse put out, nothing. we got a new appointment for the following wednesday for our ultrasound. and I was told to take it easy for 72 hours.

no explanation for the spotting. it was very put-offish and I was mad at myself later for not asking more questions and making him tell us what had happened - was it normal? was it something to worry about? should I look for any other signs of anything? should I stay away from the goddam dog park??

so I "took it easy" for the weekend, and then wednesday came. the sheet they gave us for the ultrasound said "drink 32 oz of clear liquid 1 hour before your appointment and do not void your bladder. bladder should be URGENTLY full." so I drank 2 pint glasses of water at 6:45, as our appointment was for 7:45. I got to about 7:20 before I thought I was going to pee myself. so I went to the bathroom (in the toilet, not on myself) and then quick drank another 1 1/2 pint glasses of water. as we drove on the stony parking lot to trent's baseball field to pick him up to take with us, I felt like I was going to let loose again. I made it to the doctor's office, and at the appointment window I told the nurse that I had about 2 minutes before I wet myself, and she told me to go to the bathroom, let out my bladder for 10 seconds, and then stop. RIGHT. so I went for 10 seconds, tried to stop, and then said eff it and went for a full 32 seconds. I figured water goes through me quickly so I'd just drink more if I had to. (though what the heck does water have to do with ultrasounds? and why clear liquids? would milk have clouded up the womb?) so we waited to be called in, and as soon as we were...I had to go again. I figured that was good, as I was URGENTLY full again. but the whole business of the ultrasound is pushing a thing that looks sort of like a computer mouse up against your abdomen - where your bladder is. so I found myself wanting the ultrasound to be over so I wouldn't pee myself again. so annoying.

okay, so the ultrasound. the first thing she honed in on was the placenta. though she didn't say that. so I am looking at the screen at this sponge looking mass coiled over on itself and I am freaking out because I figured the worst had come true, and I really was just carrying around a sack of tumor cells disguised as a baby. as the moments creep past, I am getting more and more freaked out. then the tech says in her monotone, "that's the placenta." well jesus kriest, you may want to mention that upfront!! so then we get to the baby. sean's like "oh, that must be the head and that's the eyes" and I'm all "no, that's the top of the head" and the tech says "actually, we're looking at the bottom of the baby." which just goes to show you that ultrasounds are totally guesswork. we did see the baby moving, which made it easier to tell what was what. it waved at us, so we could figure out what was the arm and what was probably a leg or something. so to spare us agony, the baby was not in a position to show us its gender - so even if we wanted to know, which we didn't, not really anyways, we couldn't have found out. then the ultrasound tech did some measurements and printed out two pictures for us. we can't figure out quite what they are. though she did type FACE on one of them.

ultrasound techs aren't supposed to give you any indication of things going right or wrong, since they are not doctors. so the doctor has to analyze the info and tell you if things are okay. so I'm thinking that is why the tech said nothing when sean asked if the baby looked healthy. stay tuned. our next appt is june 18. then, when the doctor says the baby is healthy and fine, I will find something new to obsess about.