so nicole's been reading this blog about this lady with a new baby, and in a recent post, she said she finally realized that she can't battle her postpartum depression on her own, and will be taking meds. which reminded me about postpartum depression. I think I'm at a much greater risk this time around, since I'm sort of depressed already (which is mostly to do with my job situation, ie I hate it) and since I am much more aware of things this time than I was last time. and I was depressed last time too, which probably had alot to do with my station in life, being on welfare, living with my mother, fighting with brett...I do remember that it was the first time I had experienced panick attacks. I remember leaning over the sink washing bottles not being able to stand upright because I felt like some invisible force was pushing on my chest and I couldn't breathe. it wasn't like some people describe panick attacks, like they feel like they're going to die and they are afraid, because I wasn't afraid to die at that time. though I loved trent very much even then and hated to be away from him, I wouldn't have minded dying, either.

anyway, I'm not sure if there are ways to safeguard against post partum depression, but I'm going to look into it.

in other news, this pregnancy is now a valid topic of conversation, as we told the masses. via email, which makes me feel like a dork. but it's nice to now be able to talk to people and when they say "what's up" I can tell them. and over the weekend, while at my father's, I told the rest of my brothers and sister, and they seemed pleased. two of my brothers have 5 kids each, so it's not like they are thrilled because it's old hat to them.

we hid eggs for trent for easter, even though I really don't believe he believes in the easter bunny. but it was still fun for sean, since he's going to have to help do this for Baby Whatever, which is what we've christened this child for the duration of this pregnancy. anyway, since he has to get good at this for BW, he enjoyed helping make the basket and hide the eggs.

next week is our next office visit. the doctor said that's when we "schedule" the ultrasound, so I'm guessing it's not going to be on that day and not going to be at that office. the hospital is about 38 seconds away, so it's not going to be a big deal to go there instead. and maybe we'll see the birthing center. it's supposed to be state of the art, like wallpaper on the walls and chair rail, which should make the discomfort of shoving a watermelon through the barrel of a bic pen much easier. I'll just look at the chair rail and know everything is going to be alright.

so we've talked about it again, and it could change, but we still don't want to know the sex of the baby. lots of people do, including me the first time, but to me, it's like one more thing for everyone, including us, to get excited about when the baby comes. patrice had the baby! really? and what was it??? it was a pointy headed hermaphrodite covered with fur!

I plan to take trent out of school so he can go with us. we talked a little about it last night again, because I am getting concerned that he's not too excited about this. I think going and seeing this baby on the ultrasound will make him feel more connected. I have some half siblings that I really don't feel any familial bond with, and I don't want trent to feel that way about this baby. like my sister denise, who is really my half sister, I want trent to feel as if this baby is his real brother/sister even though they have different dads. I'm going to do my damndest anyways.

it's 10:30am, and that means time for spaghetti o's. nausea is subsiding ever so slightly, replaced and supplemented by an awful heartburn that starts at about 4pm and lasts till about 4am. next time, we adopt.

they say it's always darkest before the dawn, and that was the theme of last week. which is why there are no entries. remember when I said I wished I could throw up and get it over with? they also say be careful what you wish for. in my thinking, vomiting would relieve the nausea, when in reality, it's just the opposite! yes! it makes it worse!! so pretty much all of last week was spent in relative agony.

knock wood, right now, the nausea is starting to subside and I haven't vomited since last week. of course, they say god doesn't close one door without opening a window, so you know that the nausea is being replaced ever so slowly with heartburn. but I consider that an improvement.

I definitely look pregnant to me. I can still pass it off quite well in public, but my belly's definitely out there. still it's very early and alot of the outside layer is fat, but what are you gonna do. I put away all my old pants and alot of my old shirts. no use torturing myself. but all the maternity stuff I have is for summer, so I'm a little at a loss of what to do right now. at the moment, I am wearing pink (yes, pink) sweatpants, size XXL. they double as socks since they go so far past my feet that I can tuck them under. sort of like footie pajamas. when I bring them up over my belly (that's pretty much almost at my boobs) they only drape slightly over my feet. but that's fine, since I've been getting awfully warm. they say that women's metabolism goes up when they are pregnant and that's the reason for the extra body heat. should come in mighty handy in july.

I'm having some trouble sleeping - finding a comfortable position. I am freaked out about sleeping on my back because of the whole vena cava thing, though I have been given conflicting information that sleeping on your back is okay and that if you cut off that artery, your body will let you know to flip over. I don't know. last night I was this close | | to sleeping on the couch. however, the most comfortable of our couches is actually a loveseat so my feet would hang over the edge, which is a small price to pay to actually sleep.

so the sleep interruptions have given way to some interesting dreams. here's one from over the weekend that I wrote down. it's a long one.

I am a boy harry potter's age and build. I am at a school/work that I don't like. I have a teacher that looks like indiana jones' father (later I remembered I mean sean connery) who makes a rudimentary boat that looks like a big snowshoe and he tells me he's going to escape. there is a boat launch and a big body of water. we escape - him, me, and my dog maggie. we get (mostly swim) to the other side of the lake and there is another school there, this one full of people who have accents. we almost get caught by a big russian/french woman who jumps in for a swim and sees us. my teacher packs the boat down really far into the water so she can't see it and they race back (swimming) to the other side of the lake, where we came from. other people on the shore see us. I hide behind a big boat on the launch. they see my teacher and the boat (but they don't know what it is) so we make a run for it. the russian/french woman helps us escape. we swim underwater for a long time till it's safe to use the boat. we get to an overgrown maze of jungle and water in the shadows and we go deep inside. I can see myself placing fake snake barriers (aka, barriers that look like snakes, but very fake snakes) to ward off strangers. we make a little shelter in the corner (the jungle has walls) in the soft pine needles (?) - me, sean connery, and maggie. cut to sometime later (like a movie) and apparently we had found a house in disrepair far back in the jungle. I'm watching now and the boy is trent, but still looks like harry potter. we get visitors but we're scared, and it turns out that it's just the russian/french lady bringing us food. but we hear a boat getting closer - we look out the window and it's heading for us. we realize that it can see the lights on in the house and they'll know there are people in here. we have to run to turn off all the lights. we are going up all the stairs to each floor - trent says there are 13 floors. it's like every single light in the house is on, we have to find every light switch. some seem to turn back on. I get to a floor and see out the window - the boat is almost docked and is making a report via radio. "we see lights going on and off - there is sufficient evidence that someone is here." I try to hide (but fear I'm too much in plain view, which happens every time I try to hide) and decide to make a run for it to tell sean connery. the boat guy sees me running and they make to come ashore. as they do, sean connery comes out and gives himself up, saying he lives there alone with his dog. suddenly we're on a well manicured front lawn of some building near a big driveway paved with white stones. as they lead him away, I hide under a very small bush, and I'm sure that they're going to see me. but I rationalize that people often don't notice the obvious if there is no reason to. sean connery, who is now sean my husband, says to the cops "well, I lived there and did really good for a while, had a wife and all, and then something happened during the superbowl and then suddenly, it was 42 years later. you know how that just happens sometimes?" in response to what I gathered was the question of how he got to be in a rundown but huge house. they pass me and sean notices me but the cop doesn't. he gets on a bus in handcuffs. he asks if the dog can be set free & she is, and she sits next to me but seems to take the focus off of me. people come to pet her but don't notice me. a woman asks what kind of cat she is. she's actually sitting on my leg but doesn't notice. the russian/french woman knows I'm there and plays along (telling the woman it is a dog, not a cat) and helps me escape again with maggie. cut back to the house, I'm now the russian/french lady and harry is long-haired and unkempt. I follow a car into the hideaway where the house is. harry tells me it's the pizza guy - his last meal before he leaves the house for good. I'm starting to wake up, but as I do I wonder what happened to the dog and fear she hurt herself on the steps and is slowly dying and will be eaten by harry - and even that harry hurt her on purpose to eat her because harry has changed so much.

anyways, it's great to be back eating again. only feeling slightly nauseated, I am beginning to eat more. like this morning, I had caesar salad for breakfast. I have to get all that kind of food in in the morning and afternoon because by dinner time, heartburn has kicked in. that's when I eat my typical breakfast stuff - yogurt, cereal. looking forward to a few weeks more when the nausea subsides altogether.