so what's up with you?

I told rebecca that she shouldn't get upset with herself for not posting regularly because she doesn't owe her blog anything, it's hers to do with what she pleases. and I've been procrastinating writing on my own because of the same damn issues, like I didn't do my homework for a week and have to face the teacher.

bella's birthday party is this saturday, at mcdonald's. I'm sure all the parents are aghast at this, but the kid loves mcdonalds and it's her birthday. she's so excited. she's decided to be a princess for halloween (me: "well, what about a SCARY princess??") and she's psyched about having her little daycare friends at her party. should be cute.

trent is still being a very good kid. so good, for so long, that I fear that he's hiding something from me. like he's been expelled but I don't know it yet. is that bad? of course it is. I should be happy he's being so good. god.

in the past few weeks, I have totally gained a ton of weight. I didn't work really hard to lose it, it just kind of happened, but I got rid of all my old clothes and I felt good about it. I just can't seem to stop eating. it can't be the zoloft, i've been on that for quite some time. well, it could be because I accidentally stopped taking all my meds and had to start up on the lamictal again. even though I didn't want to start on it again - I guess it's too risky (and things were dicey, I had to admit) to be on an anti depressant without a mood stabilizer. so I'm back on everything. just not the xanax xr, because seriously it makes me feel a little suicidal. I used to laugh when hearing that a drug could make you suicidal if you weren't already, but for whatever reason, that stuff makes me think that driving my car into a tree really is the best way to deal with everything.

anyway, other than getting fat, not much is different from the last time I posted here. just trying to do the same things. open the mail, pay the bills, keep the house clean. why it's always a struggle, I don't know if I'll ever know. and yes, I still see my therapist and my psychiatrist...I don't know when I'm supposed to see progress. I guess it depends on how you view progress. if you view it as not making people hate me and not constantly wanting to run away to a remote island, I suppose I've made some progress. in terms of feeling like I'm progressing as a human? meh. maybe this is one of those journeys where you don't know that you've gotten far until you're done and you look back.