I hate competitions

in my work life, I feel this sometimes irresistible urge to be competitive. it's the nature of business to be that way, I guess, which is why the american people at large don't just work for one giant company that does everything. but honestly - I hate competition. that's not to say I'm not competitive by nature, because to a certain extent, I am. I just hate it because I hate how it makes me feel.

in order to be competitive, you have to constantly figure out how to be better than everyone else. and that means being better than you are right now. which inherently means you're not at your best, which means that there is something wrong with the way you're being right at this moment. I tend to be insecure to begin with, and to have added pressure to be better than someone else is just torture. but when the pressure comes from within, you can at least quell it. when it comes from, say, your superiors - that's when things get really bad for someone like me.

so I've been on pins and needles lately and am doing everything I can not to "play ball" with people who try to bait me into competition that I feel is needless. I have no idea how it will play out.

anyway. so the haircut - short, in order to accommodate 6 weeks between trims instead of 4. not bad. even styled okay when I got home. so I can't complain. but I do need that color, and quick. larry, my guy, tells me that box color is ruining my hair. I should at least go to the beauty supply and mix my own from the stuff they have there. yeah, right after I get done eating my fucking bon bons, I'll get to the beauty supply store. half the part of me dying my hair a different color every time I buy haircolor is because I buy what is on sale and cannot remember what I used last time anyways. it's not that much of a priority to me what color it is as long as it has no visible roots. in fact, if they made brown-with-a-whole-lot-of-gray as a color, I'd totally use that and be done with it. I'm comfortable enough with myself that I don't care about gray hair.

I've tried using temp color, so I can grow out the part that is permanently colored and let the rest fade to gray, but even temp color that supposedly washes out doesn't wash out of gray hair, and it fades too quickly anyways. so I wind up doing it more often.

what I should really do - like I said yesterday - is shave it and start fresh. but, unfortunately, it's not exactly socially acceptable to do that for a lady.

at any rate, thank you all for your kind comments. I am not photogenic and so pictures don't always tell the right story about how I look, but it's nice to hear that some of you think I'm purty. but don't get any ideas, folks. I'm married.